This topic continues to come up. It seems to me that it is one of the most frustrating issues that many of my single brothers and sisters are dealing with – figuring out how to attract a potential romantic partner who is a believer in Christ, and how to avoid being “unattractive” to godly members of the opposite sex.
I am not an expert on this issue – unfortunately for you. However – I do believe I have wisdom to share – and I am absolutely certain that there will be much discussion in the comments that may help fill in any gaps I may have in this post.
These are generalities. They may not all apply to all men. I am talking here about GODLY men – men who truly desire to live for and honor Christ as LORD of their lives.
My suggestions to prayerfully consider according to Scripture’s command for us to only marry men who “belong to the Lord”:
- Please do not date anyone but godly men.
- Please do not date a man who is violent, who cannot control his temper, who is abusive, who has no problem with keeping sin in his life, who doesn’t seek God first, who doesn’t live with Christ as LORD.
- Please do not date an unbeliever or a man who says he is a Christian but is not interested in the things of God.
- Please do not date a man who says he might become a Christian in the future.
Be sure that YOU are focusing on becoming the woman God desires you to be!
Some of these things about being attractive to godly men are things that women can work on and change in themselves or things that God can change in us. Some of these things are not things we can change as easily. More than trying to please men – my prayer is that we will seek to please and honor Christ with our faith in Him, our abiding in Him, our obedience to Him, our being full of His Spirit and in the way we celebrate the gift of femininity He has given to us so generously.
This is my understanding – it is all open to discussion (these lists are not in any particular order of importance):
THINGS THAT TEND TO REPEL GODLY MEN:
- an unfeminine appearance or more masculine appearance
- an argumentative, contentious spirit
- a woman who says she is close to Christ, but whose life does not match her claim – who doesn’t have the fruit of God’s Spirit in her life
- an uncontrollable tongue
- an uncontrollable temper
- a lack of interest
- too much interest/smothering
- masculine-looking clothing on a woman
- not much care or thought being given to the physical appearance
- a very loud or overbearing personality
- a take-charge/domineering/bossy personality
- a spirit that tries to control or change a man or dictate to him what he “should” do
- a total lack of ability to think for oneself and a lack of one’s own opinions, beliefs, convictions and ideas
- immodest dress
- immodest behavior
- PRIDE or arrogance
- an independent spirit that pushes the idea, “I don’t need a man!”
- a spirit that embraces some of the ungodly ideals of feminism
- a desire to pressure, nag, push and force him into deeper commitment
- lack of manners or rudeness
- a sense that he is her “project”
- a trust in SELF instead of in God
- idolatry of self, being in control, having a man, marriage, children, a guy, looks, weight, food, money or anything else!
- wide emotional swings (emotional lability)
- a sense of entitlement
- a tendency to FREAK OUT over lots of things
- self-righteousness – looking down on others
- a critical/judgmental spirit
- overuse of makeup/jewelry
- extreme hairstyles
- a promiscuous lifestyle and attitude
THINGS THAT TEND TO ATTRACT GODLY MEN:
- a lot of genuine smiling and joy
- classy, feminine clothing (skirts, dresses, flowing fabrics, etc)
- meekness (“bridled strength” or strength under control)
- long hair (for a lot of men, but not all)
- willingness to signal her interest in him clearly
- honesty and truthfulness in a spirit of love
- a cooperative spirit
- modest clothing
- modest behavior
- a feminine figure/physical beauty
- general physical fitness (in a healthy way, not an obsessive, fearful, unhealthy, idolatrous way)
- good posture
- a willingness to be part of a team with a man
- the ability to be “dependent” on a man in a feminine, godly, healthy way
- understanding that he has feelings and emotions and sensitivity to seek only to bless and not to wound him
- a peaceful spirit from God
- a willingness to follow his leadership (particularly the closer a relationship gets to marriage) – this does not mean you must submit to a guy you are interested in or are dating. But, if a godly man is interested in you, part of what will attract him is your willingness to consider his ideas as being important, and your ability to express yourself respectfully and your willingness to seek to honor his leadership. (if a man is demanding that you submit to him or “obey” him or is trying to coerce you into sin – that is not good! Seek godly counsel ASAP!)
- gentleness – in speech and in demeanor and in words and attitude
- patience – in all things, including in waiting for him to commit or to propose
- a friendly and curious desire to understand his heart, his perspective and his world
- an interest in what is important to him
- a willingness to encourage him to dream and pursue what God desires him to do
- acceptance of him for who he is
- loyalty – protecting him, not bashing him/criticizing him/disrespecting him to others (if you are in danger, then you do need to seek help, please!)
- a strong belief and conviction that divorce will not be an option once she is married
- a nurturing spirit
- tasteful makeup (some men even prefer very little make up or none)
- a purposeful rejection of worldly wisdom and the world’s ungodly ideas
- the love of God in her heart
- a deep desire to know God more, to find contentment in Him alone and to seek to joyfully live in total obedience to Him
Men tend to be attracted to youth and beauty. Yes. That is one part of their makeup. But it is not all there is to them, which is why I have a long list of things, not just that one point. And, men are not excused to lust after anyone no matter how another woman looks. Just because a man may feel attracted to someone, does not mean God condones him acting on it. He is accountable to God to keep his thoughts pure.
Many men have described to me that while they are attracted to youth and beauty, that they have “wife goggles” that cause them to see their wife in a special way and to appreciate her beauty even as she ages. They can reject younger women and not focus on them because they know and value and cherish their wives and all of the other qualities their wives have and many men still find their wives to be very beautiful even as they get older.
I included youth and beauty because it is my understanding that those things tend to be part of the picture for men. But it is not the whole picture, thankfully. I believe we do a disservice to our brothers and husbands if we think that is all they are about, which is why I spent so much time on all of the other things that are attractive to many godly men, too.