The past two Mondays, we have examined the topics, “Am I Too Chatty with My Guy?“ and “What Do I Do with My Desire for More Verbal/Emotional Connection?” For some of us, we struggle with talking too much. Others of us struggle with not wanting to talk to the point that our silence is deafening and not healthy for our marriages. Some of us try to correct one imbalance and overshoot and end up on the other side of the pendulum for awhile and just keep swinging back and forth between the two. I have done that myself a number of times. Balance is tricky! And requires the Holy Spirit. In our own strength, the only thing we can really do is swing from one unhealthy extreme to the other.
Today, let’s tackle the issue of times when we may be too quiet and examine the heart issues that may be going on behind the scenes. It’s helpful to do a motive-check with the help of the Light of God’s Word and the Holy Spirit. (This stuff can apply to just about any relationship, not just a romantic one.)
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Prov. 18:21
WHY DO I WANT TO BE QUIET?
Some Not-So-Productive Reasons
- Bitterness/resentment/contempt toward him.
- Fear (that I need to take to the Lord).
- Avoiding conflict.
- Unrealistic expectations.
- To punish him.
- Self-hatred, self-loathing, and not thinking rightly about myself.
- Hiding something from my man:
- an addiction.
- a relationship with another man.
- an attraction to someone else.
- a temptation.
- a secret sin.
- some way I have given the enemy authority in my life.
- I may wrongly think I have to give up my personality and that I can’t have needs, desires, feelings, or input.
- I may believe lies about God, myself, or my guy.
- I may not understand my identity in Christ and what God says about me in His Word if I am His.
- I may idolize my boyfriend and his approval.
- I may be a people pleaser rather than a God-pleaser.
- I may feel insecure in my man’s love.
- I may be trying to avoid being needy and clingy but maybe I am swinging too far the other way toward total silence.
- I may believe that I am “not a real person,” that I don’t deserve love, or that I shouldn’t have a voice.
- I may be extremely depressed, discouraged, hopeless, or full of despair – spiritually oppressed.
- My boyfriend desires me to talk more with him, but I don’t enjoy talking so I just opt out completely, even if it upsets him. I won’t stretch to compromise at all.
If these issues are going on, I may want to spend some time with the Lord to deal with my spiritual issues so that I am not hiding from God or from my man. If things are severe, I may need to reach out to a trusted godly counselor or female mentor.
Some Reasons That Require Godly Discernment
- I don’t feel loved by my man.
- I may need to prayerfully evaluate – Is this really true, or are my hormones taking over or am I listening to the enemy? If the real issue is my perception and there isn’t hard evidence to support my accusing feelings toward my husband, I may need to deal with my own thoughts, motives, heart, and hormones with the Lord. It may be about me and not about my husband at all.
- If I really am thinking clearly and there is legitimate evidence my man does not love me, it may be wise to give him some space, pray, and seek the Lord’s wisdom an discernment for how I should proceed.
- He has threatened to leave.
- I feel lonely. This may or may not be related to what my boyfriend/fiance has done.
- I feel wounded by my guy and don’t think I can trust him. I need to seek the Lord before deciding what to do.
- There may be a simple misunderstanding. I may just need to talk to him in a respectful way to seek to understand his perspective which may be 180 degrees different from mine. That may solve the whole problem.
- I am really busy and have a lot to do. I may need to evaluate my priorities to be sure I am in line with what the Lord desires me to do.
Some Good Reasons
- Talking a lot is exhausting for me – it is just my personality.
- I am seeking to give him the gift of respectful space that I know he would appreciate.
- He doesn’t want me to talk too much or he is in a bad place spiritually and unreceptive right now.
- I am thinking carefully about what I want to say so that I say it wisely.
- I want to pray over what I want to say first so that I respond in the Spirit and I don’t just blurt something out in my flesh.
- I am focusing on thanksgiving and praise in my heart to the Lord.
- I want to just be available to listen to him for awhile if he wants to talk.
- I am silently praying in my heart.
- We enjoy being together without talking sometimes.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Prov. 17:28
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. Ps. 62:5
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Eph. 4:29
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matt. 5:37
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov. 12:18
I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. Matt 12:36-37
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Ps. 19:14
Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. Eph. 5:4
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Prov. 25:11
What are some reasons you find yourself being really quiet? Is there any wisdom you would like to share on this topic?
25 Ways to Respect Myself – (or to think rightly about myself)
Isn’t Loving or Respecting Myself Wrong or Selfish? – by Radiant
Cinderella and the Gospel – by Radiant (about how many of us reject the love of Christ instead of graciously receiving His amazing gift)