Happy Easter to each of you! 🙂
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. John 11:25-26
He is risen!!!
There are unhealthy, destructive ways to ask your man for something that is very important to you – and there are healthy, productive ways.
A FEW TRUTHS ABOUT MEN (and really, we women feel the same way, too):
- They like to be the hero and the good guy, not the bad guy.
- They like to feel respected,
- They do not like being ordered around.
- They respond well to genuine respect and admiration.
- They don’t respond well to control, hostility, entitlement, condemnation, negativity, or a critical spirit.
- They don’t like to be thrown under the bus.
- They may need some time to think about things or may have concerns, that does not mean they aren’t willing to do a particular thing.
- They may want to share their concerns and offer possible compromises and that needs to be okay.
- They may have different priorities – that does not make them “wrong” necessarily.
- They need freedom to do things their way, not always to have to do absolutely everything our way.
- They often are willing to sacrifice for us, but they want to be appreciated.
- They like to show love out of their own free-will and not feel forced or coerced into doing loving things or acts of service.
UNHEALTHY, DESTRUCTIVE, UNGODLY WAYS TO APPROACH HIM:
- Ask him over and over again to “be sure” he is really going to do this for you:
- “You told me last week that you would do X this summer… Are you still going to do that?”
- “I asked you two weeks ago and last week, but are you still sure you are going to keep your word and help me?”
- “I know I asked you 3 times already, but I just really want to be sure you aren’t going to leave me hanging.”
- What I am saying with this approach is, “I don’t trust you. I don’t believe you. I don’t respect you. I don’t think you are a man of your word. I don’t respect the answer you have given me before.”
- Make demands:
- “You will do this for me.”
- “You owe me and you are going to do this.”
- Give him directives:
- “You better do this for me.”
- “You need to…”
- “You have to…”
- Insult him:
- “If you were a real man, you would…”
- “If you were any kind of decent boyfriend, you would…”
- “I know you usually don’t care about what I want, but I need your help.”
- “You have been such a sorry boyfriend in the past when I needed you, but I need you to come through for me now.”
- “I know how passive-aggressive you can be when I ask you to do things. I just want to be sure we are on the same page and you are really going to help me this time.”
- Don’t let him ask questions or share his wisdom, concerns or ideas.
- Be completely inflexible when you really do have room for some flexibility.
- If he talks about that it is going to be inconvenient for him, assume that means he won’t do it and that he is selfish.
- Assume the absolute worst about his motives.
- Accuse him of sinful thoughts before you even know what is really going on.
- Rescue him from his commitment if he says that it will be challenging.
- “Fine, don’t help me, then!”
- Try to control him.
- Freak out on him
- Try to put him on a guilt trip.
- Play the martyr.
- Complain or argue.
- Resent him.
- Lash out in sinful anger at him.
- Blame him.
These approaches show your guy that you don’t respect or trust him and that you don’t have much faith in God. These approaches hurt your witness for Christ. They also hurt your fellowship with the Lord and rob you of the spiritual power that is yours in Christ.
HEALTHY, RESPECTFUL, GODLY WAYS TO APPROACH HIM:
- Ask him once if he is willing to do something (only remind him if you know he would appreciate reminders).
- Respect his answer to you and that if he said, “yes,” he meant, “yes.”
- Expect him to keep his word.
- Treat him like you believe he is a man of his word and you have faith in him.
- Ask respectfully with a pleasant tone of voice and a smile:
- “Honey, I would really like to do this. I know it is a lot to ask – but it would mean so much to me.”
- “I would appreciate it so much if you would…”
- Give him time to think through things.
- Let him ask any questions he may have.
- Be willing to compromise if possible.
- Be appreciative of anything he does for you because anything he does for you is a gift of love from him.
- Rest in his love.
- Rest in God’s love and sovereignty over the situation, knowing that if the Lord desires you to do what you desire to do, He can and will work it out. And if, for some reason, you can’t do what your desire was, it may be that God has shut that door in His wisdom.
- Be at peace in Christ.
- If he says that doing what you requested will be challenging:
- Thank him for his willingness to help you.
- “I know that will be a tough week. Thank you so much for helping me. You are my hero!”
- Agree and sympathize that you are asking for quite a bit:
- “Yes, I know this is a lot.”
- Don’t jump in to make a decision for him.
- Don’t rescue him from his commitment to help you.
- Let him think through it and let him tell you what he can or can’t do.
- Thank him for his willingness to help you.
- Be sure to show your gratitude with words for what he does for you.
- Also show your gratitude with actions in ways that are meaningful to him:
- Be willing to do some big favors for him, too, sometimes.
- Give him the freedom to say, “No.”
If he does decline, it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. Respond graciously and take your request to the Lord, asking Him to provide a way for what you need/want if it is His will.
IF HE SAYS NO:
- Count the time of trial as joy. (James 1:2-8)
- Don’t let Satan set up shop in your heart. (Eph. 4:26-27)
- Refuse to be bitter. (Matt. 6:15)
- Invite the Lord to use this situation to reveal His glory and to teach and prune you. (Heb. 12:7)
- Praise God that He will bring good from this ultimately as He promises. (Rom. 8:28-29, a promise for those who are in Christ)
- Submit to the Lordship and will of God. (James 4:7)
- Seek His will far above your own – die to self. (Luke 22:42)