I am on an email vacation until January 7th. You are more than welcome to comment here on the blog or on the PSG FB page. Thanks for your patience and understanding!
Continued from Crystal’s Story – Part 1
I appreciate Crystal sharing her story. I believe that if you have abuse, rape, shame, addictions and/or sexual sin in your past – her story will inspire you (Yesterday’s post had a summary of her background). She has not had an easy life. But God is working in her to create something beautiful. 🙂 This is a continuation to the questions “Am I Too Damaged to Have a Godly Marriage?” and “Dealing with Earthly Consequences of Sin”
Crystal Blount Ministries
April & Ladies,
Yes, I have been on the respect journey for about a year or more. It is definitely a journey!! My husband and I fluctuated between him being incredibly bitter and angry and me, and me being incredibly angry and bitter at him…fighting for hours at a time….and in between we would laugh and talk for hours.
- We’ve hurt each other a lot
- There has been some infidelity
- Some nasty hurtful words
- Some extremely MISERABLE days where neither one of us could see or hear God or stand to be around each other
- There have been days we have talked about “who is moving out”
I say all that to say…GOD IS STILL IN CONTROL and we are both doing our best to not make any hasty moves and allow God to have his way. When I say I “got out of the way,” I meant exactly what you stated, April. The Holy spirit had been speaking to me through people and books/blogs, but ESPECIALLY my husband – and I finally stopped fighting long enough to listen.
When I allowed myself to be humbled by God and get in a place of repentance…I could quietly, albeit tearfully, sit and listen to my husband pour out all the negative he was holding inside. I had to let my Husband get it out! Without responding defensively or argumentatively over the course of a week or two…I let him vent. And I actually listened.
Although the words my husband had to say weren’t packaged in a pretty bow or sugar-coated….I allowed God to speak to me through him, by just listening and asking questions to truly understand how my husband was hurting.
I finally accepted what my husband had been fighting to tell me: I have been making him pay for the mistakes of every other man, and he tried and tried to make me happy and to get me to trust
him, but he could no longer bear the burdens of every other man. He could not be my Savior.
That was a heartbreaking realization for me. I just wanted my husband to touch me, kiss me, shower me with compliments…make me feel important and appreciated and loved and accepted and healed!! (out of breath!) All the while I’m beating him over the head emotionally complaining that he can’t or won’t do the job of making me happy and making me love myself. He was never meant to. That’s only between me and Jesus.
My husband also vented and said, sometimes I responded so ANGRY at him for small things. There must be something deeper. I must be angry at God.
I realized I was. I really needed to have a talk with God. This is a deep, deep, bitter root. My husband simply wanted to KNOW me, all of me. My husband wanted me to be free, to be happy, and to be the confident woman he married before I resorted back to a girl who depended on a man for validation. But I would never let him in. It’s because, I would never let GOD in.
Honestly, the questions have never been fully answered as to “why me”? Why God gave me the hand he dealt me in life. Being raped, abused, giving up my child at 14. Why God didn’t “rescue me” from myself all the years I coped by sleeping around with men. I look back now and realize, however, that God was there. Waiting for me to just come to Him.
He never left me.
I left him.
I pushed Him away.
I never let God or any truly good man, like my husband, inside.
Why did God have to use me and put me through all that?
God did use me. I looked at it for sooooo long like a bad thing because of all the suffering I’ve endured. But it’s not a bad thing. I am strong. All things work together for the GOOD of those that LOVE the Lord and are CALLED according to his purpose. I gave my life to Christ at age 12. I was raped, pregnant, and gave up my daughter at 14. The enemy got to THINK he had a chance, but God had the victory from the beginning. God thought I was strong enough to carry that cross at 14. I’m taking back my voice.
I am working to reprogram the lie planted in my brain and renew the TRUTH of God’s word, that I am more than a conqueror, God is always with me, God LOVED ME FIRST, I’m fearfully, and WONDERFULLY made, and that (His) wisdom is more precious than rubies. That being used by God is a privilege, that my trials are a blessing…that the I will inherit the earth, be comforted, be shown mercy, etc! (READ MATT 5)! I can speak strength into girls and women. I can have a deep deep sense of compassion for women who are hurting very deeply. I feel my feelings a little deeper than most, I am extremely sensitive, incredibly strong-willed, and very eloquent at times. I have no fear of a microphone, a mirror, or a camera. However….people’s judgement scares me.
Pray for me everyone…. I am on this journey with you. My husband has shown me love similar to the love of Jesus. He’s not perfect, though. He will sin against me. But, just like Jesus, he points me to the Father. The Son of the Most High God asked me to love him and respect him. He’s not my enemy. Just like God, I wont always understand the decisions he makes, but it I listen, honor, respect, and am willing to help….I can be incredibly useful to the Kingdom. My husband is a great man capable of great things.
My husband is walking just a bit taller now. The root of bitterness between my heart and God’s spirit inside me is dying now and being pulled up. That’s what I mean by “getting out of the way”