At its core, femininity is about being receptive, open, full of wonder, gentle, soft, delicate, beautiful, graceful, peaceful, nurturing, priceless, worthy of being adored and cherished physically, emotionally and spiritually. God designed women to represent the kind of devotion, love, reverence, adoration and willingness to submit that God desires His people to have for Christ. Ephesians 5:22-33
A Counter-Intuitive Brand of Power and Influence
God gave women a more subtle kind of power than He gave men. But our power in romantic relationships is almost unimaginable to attract and draw our men towards us if we can tap into our abilities to use our immense verbal skills to build up our men, to praise them for everything we see that we appreciate and admire, and if we are willing to step down from the leadership role and become cheerful, joyful, prayerful, willing followers.
We respond to their initiatives. We allow them to lead in the relationship. We don’t try to MAKE things happen by force. And we patiently wait and trust in God and our men to handle the timing of things. We may certainly ask our men to slow the relationship down. But we don’t rush or push them. We appreciate their leadership. We accept our men and don’t try to change them.
We have been taught that to be powerful, we must be aggressive and force, demand and manipulate our way in romantic relationships. And when our men turn on us in anger or withdraw from us and stonewall, we just turn up the volume and the pressure – not even realizing that we are destroying our relationships and our men and becoming the women we never wanted to be. Our expectations are sometimes extremely unrealistic and we put way too much pressure on our men – then they bolt – and we are so confused.
A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1
- Our power is in our gentle, peaceful femininity that is full of trust (primarily in the sovereignty of God) and not consumed by fear and worry!
- Our power is in our ability to be delighted whenever our men do something kind, generous, loving or thoughtful.
- Our smiles, our joy, our praise, our admiration, our respect, our willingness to trust our men – this is where our God-given strength and influence is!
There is power in our feminine appearance. There is power and beauty in our long hair (which the Bible says is our glory – I Corinthians 11) and delicate features. There is power in looking and acting like a God-fearing, self-respecting, men-respecting lady – dressing femininely and modestly.
Dressing femininely (and modestly in public) reminds our men of our womanhood, our softness and that we are so very different from them. The greater the contrast in femininity/masculinity in our romantic relationships (in appearance, mind and spirit) – the greater the attraction. Our men may first be attracted to our outward beauty – but we hold their attraction with our godly, feminine spirit
We are generally more delicate physically/emotionally/spiritually than our men are
We are often more easily unbalanced, upset, wounded, destroyed and broken if we are treated harshly or handled roughly. God gave us our big, strong men to protect us and keep us safe – not just from physical threats but also from emotional and spiritual threats.
We have a cyclical hormonal cycle that profoundly affects our emotions and bodies – we are anything but stable sometimes! I believe God did that purposely. We as wives represent the church and our husbands represent Christ. Our husbands tend to be more emotionally stable and we are much more easily thrown by all the changes in our bodies – it is at those times we can most depend on and trust in our husbands to be a rock for us.
He gave us our men to give us a firm anchor when we are being tossed by waves of emotion and hormones and we can’t see what way to go and we need a loving, selfless leader to help us find the right way.
God made us the givers of life!
He designed our bodies to bear children and nurse babies and gave us brains that can handle many tasks and intricate details all at the same time so that we can care for our children, homes, cooking, husbands and all the details of all the responsibilities that are ours efficiently.
He designed us to focus on relationships, love and details – that we might be the perfect helpmeets for our husbands.
We Bring Beauty and Comfort Into Our Husbands’ Lives
Bob Grant, author of several marriage ebooks including “Women Men Adore and Never Want to Leave” said this. And I think it is so true! We have the gift of making a house feel, look and smell like HOME. We have the power to make home appealing, inviting, beautiful, peaceful and a sanctuary for those we love to find refuge and safety. We also have the power to bring emotional comfort, sexual comfort, and sometimes spiritual comfort to our husbands by our beautiful godly femininity and influence. We make life worth living for our men when we are full of the joy and peace of Christ.
The Gift of Our Strong Emotions
We also control the emotional temperature of the marriage and family! We have SUCH a powerful influence that can either give life or death to our men.
God gave us powerful emotions to be a barometer of how things are going in our relationships so that we could detect problems and address them before they get out of control. But sometimes we must lean on God’s Word and our guys’ words and not listen to our emotions when they are undependable – just like God admonishes us to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding” in Proverbs.
I believe that a woman’s emotions are very important for her to share with her man. But she can share them in a way that doesn’t blame him. I share my full range of emotions with my husband very simply (as Laura Doyle suggests in The Surrendered Wife) – I feel happy! I am so excited! I love being with you! I am sad. I feel nervous. I feel scared. I feel upset. I also share what I want and what I don’t want with him.
This is a great way to “speak the truth in love.” My husband needs that information – and then he can decide how best to handle the situation. He is able to make the wisest decisions when he understands my feelings, my perspective and my desires. I believe it is a wife’s duty to share these things with her husband respectfully.
The many facets of our thinking, our emotions, our spiritual needs for security, the way our bodies are designed – it is all to work in complement to our husbands to demonstrate the mystery of Christ and the church.
God says that our greatest beauty comes from a “gentle and peaceful (quiet) spirit … that does not give way to fear” (I Peter 3:4 and 6). There is also incredible beauty in us when we are willing to do things God’s way and show respect to our men and be willing to follow them and honor their position as leader in our relationships.
When I show genuine admiration and respect for my husband, and I demonstrate that I am trusting his leadership and allowing him to carry the weight of decisions, trusting that he will do what is best for me and my family – my respect and submission to his leadership make him want to cherish and adore me (unless he is VERY far from God or involved in extremely serious sin). He wants to please me and make me happy. He wants to do the best possible job and not disappoint me when he sees all my faith is in him. Following him doesn’t make him want to abuse and hurt me, it makes him want to serve, protect and provide for me. (If you are being physically abused or have serious problems in your relationship please find a qualified, godly, Christian counselor or pastor and get help ASAP!)
I pray that we might hold both genders and the design of God for manhood, womanhood, romance and marriage in awe. I pray we might embrace our men being masculine and not try to make them be like us. I pray that we might be willing to give up our attempts to be masculine that drain us of life and energy and embrace our femininity and discover the power that God has given us as women to build up our men. Such a burden is lifted off of our shoulders when we aren’t trying to be something we aren’t!! Embracing God’s design for me brings me fulfillment, peace, joy, power and freedom! I pray we might boldly show the world that we cherish the gift of femininity that God has given us and that we might set godly examples for our children so that the gender lines won’t be blurred, but that God might be richly glorified in our marriages and homes.
Feminine Appeal – by Carolyn Mahaney (GREAT book about godly femininity and being a godly wife!)
John Piper “Manhood and Womanhood”