- What is “drama” to a man in a romantic relationship?
- How do men respond to “drama” from their girlfriend/fiance/wife?
- How can women avoid creating unnecessary drama?
“Drama” is the deliberate creation of conflict (often minor) in order to feel something.
“Drama” in a woman is really contentiousness by Scriptural definition. Given what I’ve seen in Scripture and other places, “drama” seems to be a hard-wired part of the sin nature of a woman (Genesis 3:16). From things I’ve read elsewhere, every woman comes with some degree of “drama” that will exist at some time or another for some reason or another.
The extent of that drama depends on how submissive to the Spirit she happens to be.
I do believe that we as women rely heavily on our feelings and emotions – sometimes much too heavily. And we don’t always realize when our emotions are steering us wrong. (Check out these posts on PMS part 1 and part 2). I don’t know that women purposely or consciously try to generate conflicts to alleviate boredom. I suppose it is possible. I think it may be more out of attempting to have some kind of emotional connection, or because we are feeling unloved, neglected or ignored. I believe the idea that we generate conflict out of insecurity in the relationship or in ourselves is probably often true. This is partly why it is SO important that we find our security, our identity, our acceptance, our being loved, our purpose and our strength in Christ alone! Then we can be unshaken no matter what our man is doing or not doing.
I also believe that there are some women who have never experienced a relationship without lots of conflict, so they may feel uncomfortable if things are too “peaceful/quiet” just because they are used to conflict. So, subconsciously, I believe it is possible for women to create conflict because getting negative attention may seem better than no attention, or because they can’t accept that things could truly be peaceful in a romantic relationship – “something must be going on that she is not aware of” – it can’t be “this easy.”
I agree that drama is hardwired into our sin nature and flesh as women – particularly with our cyclical hormonal issues, like PMS. That definitely makes things MUCH worse at certain times – for us and our men. Unfortunately, the men we love the most become our prime targets when we are irrational and emotional.
I also agree that it is part of our sin nature to want to have control ourselves. When God’s design is for the man to be the leader – it is certainly drama when we try to take charge ourselves. I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control – is a man you CAN control.” Women think we want control. But if we had it, we would despise our men. If we are in control, we can’t respect our men. We must choose between control and intimacy as women. We can’t have both! (Laura Doyla, The Surrendered Wife – not necessarily a Christian perspective, weigh any human author’s words carefully against scripture!)
And YES! When God’s Spirit is in control instead of our sinful nature, flesh and hormones – He can give us victory and we can have a gentle, peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear. THIS IS THE KEY!!!
DRAMA IS A LACK OF RESPECT
Ultimately, “drama” is simply a lack of respect, a literal challenging of the authority of the guy involved (as husband, but also his own self-respect).
This makes it important for him to be able to be centered on following Christ and being centered in himself and not placating the woman involved.
“Drama” is in fact a test placed against him. In responding to “drama”, which is usually in the form of a request she makes, he needs to be able to determine whether the woman is acting calm and rationally or emotionally and irrationally in making her request and then respond accordingly while keeping his proper godly leadership frame (i.e. in a proper Biblical marriage, the husband does not submit to the wife, but can grant reasonable requests out of grace). He determines if her request is reasonable and if her request is made in a reasonable way and if both are the case, he can grant it. Otherwise he does not.
He is the head, and should act like it – seeing the difference between “drama” and reality is perhaps the most important skill a man can have in dealing with a woman. He should also realize that “drama” begets “drama” and should give it no place. This helps her out as well since it makes a woman feel *more* insecure when the guy doesn’t “stand up” to her test.
It is the BIGGEST weight off of my shoulders and relief to know that my husband is primarily seeking to please and honor and obey Christ – NOT ME.
A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing. (Proverbs 9:13)
As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion. (Proverbs 11:22)
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Proverbs 21:9)
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Proverbs 21:19)
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. (Proverbs 25:24)
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his right hand, which bewrayeth itself. (Proverbs 27:15-16)