SUCH a painful topic! But – it is a part of life – so I think it needs to be addressed. I will do my best to use godly wisdom here – but ultimately – listen to God’s Spirit more than my suggestions!
I have heard from a number of girls lately that there is this amazing guy they like – and they have let him know their feelings and their desire to be in a romantic relationship (pretty bluntly) – but the guy has said something like:
- I’m not interested in a romantic relationship.
- I just want to be friends.
- You are a bit too friendly for me.
WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO WITH THIS?
If a guy says something like this, and he is very polite – believe his words. Respect his request.
Believe him when he says he is not interested in a romantic relationship. There are tons of reasons that might be the case for him. It may or may not have anything to do with you.
Once you have shown him that you have romantic feelings and he tries to gently and politely tell you that he does not have romantic feelings or attraction for you, it is time to gracefully back away.
This is going to be the exact opposite of what you may want to do in this situation. Your heart may scream at you to call him, text him, show up at his front door and try to talk him into wanting to be with you. Too many words will NOT help here. They will only cement the death of a potential relationship, in my view, in this situation.
Verbal pressure repels men.
HERE IS A GOLDEN NUGGET OF TRUTH ABOUT MEN FOR YOU, LADIES
Chasing, pursuing, stalking and smothering a man is almost always a catastrophic turn off to him.
A lot of men think they would enjoy a woman showing this much interest in them. And they may enjoy it – for awhile. But then it often becomes too much – and most men will bolt.
What do I mean?
If you are texting a guy 84 times a day, or emailing him every hour, or stopping by his work place uninvited often – and he is not reciprocating your interest – you are probably smothering him with way too much attention. Honestly, most women would be uncomfortable in a similar situation with a guy, too. It’s flattering to be noticed and admired. It can get scary to be idolized.
It often works better for the guy to pursue you.
Now – you can to show plenty of interest if there is a guy you like and you would like him to pursue you (and he hasn’t said he just wants to be friends):
- Laughing at his jokes
- Being friendly and open to his advances
- Accepting his invitations to do things together
- Being a safe place for him emotionally/spiritually
- Showing him respect and honor
- Avoiding insults/disrespect
- Being happy when he texts, calls or visits you
Note – Do not allow him to come on to you sexually. If he does, please back out of that relationship – especially if you barely even know him.
If the guy is not initiating contact – and you are doing all of the initiating, that is probably not a great sign for the health of a potential romance.
WHY BACKING OFF IS IMPORTANT
If you have attempted to initiate a romantic relationship, and the guy you like rejects your invitation, you will only repel him more if you keep pursuing him. It would be disrespectful to continue to go after a guy at that point. If he truly wants to be “friends” – he will contact you. Respect his request. If he feels disrespected and like his feelings and desires mean nothing to you and that you plan to take his heart by force, he will not be able to trust you.
If there is any chance of this to end up as a romance – it will only happen when you just wait and don’t contact him first.
THERE ARE TWO WAYS THIS COULD GO:
1. He contacts you – awesome. Respond with friendliness and joy. But don’t rush or push him or talk about marriage, dating, having children, etc. Enjoy him in the moment. Don’t pressure him to take you out. Let him lead. Be content to take things slowly and appreciate his attention.
2. He doesn’t contact you at all – that has to be ok. He needs to be able to choose to be with you or not by his own free will. You don’t have to wait for him. He has told you he is not interested, so you are free to look into other options. This is where you get to practice trusting in and waiting on the sovereignty of God. Yes, he may eventually contact you in the future. That is possible. Enjoy it if it happens. But if a guy has told you that he doesn’t want a romantic relationship, I personally would not sit around waiting for him – but trust that this is a closed door and it is time to move on.
WHEN CAN I BE THE ONE TO PURSUE FIRST?
There can be some times when this would work. I am not going to say, “never” attempt to initiate a romantic relationship.
1. If you have been friends with a guy for a long time – especially if you were the one that decided your relationship was “just friends,” but lately you have started to develop romantic feelings for your friend – THEN I do think it will be necessary for you to do something fairly blatant to let him know that your feelings have deepened for him. In this case, you may need to say something like:
- You know what? You are exactly the kind of guy I could see myself dating. 🙂
- You look amazing today.
- I get chills when you look at me like that. I feel like you can see into my soul.
- I hear that couples who are friends first and then date have the best romances in the world. 😉 (wink!)
- I really respect/admire X,Y, Z about you. Thanks for being someone I can look up to. I love being with you.
- My favorite band is going to be in town next month. I would LOVE to go with you! What do you think?
2. If you are interested in a guy, and you are showing him to the best of your ability that you are interested, but he seems to be oblivious to your romantic feelings – it could be possible that saying some of these things might be a good idea. There are girls who just come up and say, “I’m interested in dating you.” I have heard of that working at times. It may be especially good with guys who are really introverted or nervous to talk to girls.
IF you do this, and he does not respond enthusiastically, please, please back off and give him time and space and let him think about things for awhile. Be friendly and smile at him when you see him. But give him space until he approaches you once you have been this bold. That is my personal suggestion. For whatever that is worth!
3. If you are close to the Lord and you believe He is nudging you to do/say something specific.
GUYS – do you agree or disagree? Please feel free to share your opinions, wisdom and perspective on this issue with us!