When we love a guy, many of us want to spend every possible free moment together. Why wouldn’t we? There is no such thing as “too much time together” for lots of us.
Let’s think about something together… is my guy wrong (if what he is doing is not sinful – not getting drunk, using drugs, lusting, flirting, etc…) if he wants:
- to go out with his buddies without me sometimes?
- to spend time alone doing his hobby?
- to spend time with his family without me?
- to have his own private prayer time and Bible study time?
- to meet with a godly mentor?
- to go to a men’s group meeting?
- to go to choir or praise band rehearsals without me?
- to do ministry that he believes God has called him to do?
- to go to a race or game without me?
How can we respond in productive ways in situations like this? Don’t we have to feel hurt and upset?
A wife who has been married almost 50 years shared something with me recently. She said about the times her husband has a full schedule on weeknights with meetings and choir,
“I love him, so I like for him to be able to do things he loves to do.”
I love that!
Everyone has different personalities and different expectations in relationships. Some people want:
- to be together as much as possible and drop every other activity and relationship in their lives
- to do all hobbies together
- to never be apart whenever it is possible to be together
But other people would feel smothered by that much time together. It doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy doesn’t love you if he wants to have some time to himself, if he doesn’t want to be together 24/7, if he wants to do some ministry things without you at times, or he wants to do things with his guy friends. It doesn’t necessarily mean a guy doesn’t love you if he doesn’t invite you to every single family activity.
Some people need some time alone, some time to recharge playing a sport with friends, or some time to just feel like they can do things they want to do. This is often a matter of different personality types and different expectations for relationships. We can get in trouble if we measure how much free time a guy (or any friend or family member) spends with us as a gauge of his love.
Now, there are some guys who really don’t want to be in a relationship who try to avoid getting together – not because they need some time alone, but because they don’t want to be in the relationship. That is a different situation from what I am describing in this post. But the approach we would want to take as women who seek to honor and follow Christ wholeheartedly, would be similar, in my view, in either situation.
We don’t have to cling, demand, or freak out.
We can be content in Christ and focused on our walk with Him. We can be filled to overflowing with Jesus. We can be completely fulfilled and perfectly at peace whether we have a guy in our lives or not. We can be content when we are able to get together a lot or when we can’t get together much because of various circumstances.
We can hold our guys loosely – allowing them to have freedom to do things they enjoy without resenting them.
We can be supportive in a friendly, pleasant way:
- I hope you have fun going fishing with the guys.
- What an amazing ministry you are involved in with feeding the homeless.
- Enjoy choir practice! I look forward to hearing the concert next month!
- Tell your family, “Hello!” for me. 🙂
And we can ask for what we would like in a vulnerable, direct, feminine, concise way:
- I’d love to get together later this week.
- I’m looking forward to hearing all about what you did.
- Can’t wait to find out how things went for you with the ministry. I’m praying for you.
- I’d love to see your family sometime when it is a good time for everyone.
We can also focus on doing things we enjoy when our men are gone:
- Spending some glorious, uninterrupted time with God.
- Doing something fun with our friends/family.
- Engaging in ministry of our own.
- Working on our hobbies.
- Reading or doing something we really like to do.