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Do not judge, and you will not be judged.  Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned.  Forgive, and you will be forgiven.  Luke 6:37

How can we apply this verse to ourselves as girlfriends/fiances?

HE NEEDS MY HELP

That is what I used to think.

You know, there is some truth there.  I was created by God to be my husband’s helper.

But when my sinful nature is in control of my life instead of God’s Spirit, being a”helper” can easily become being controlling.

What is the difference between “helping” and “controlling”?   That is a REALLY important question!

**** Remember, I am assuming that you are only dating godly men who are 100% committed to following Christ.  They are not perfect.  But they earnestly desire to be more and more like Jesus.  Jesus is the most important thing/person to them.  God does not permit us as disciples of Christ to date unbelievers.  That is a recipe for great heartache.

CONTROLLING:

  • I overstep my man’s boundaries and do things for him that he does not appreciate.
  • I think I know best and I am determined to do things my way no matter what my man says or what he thinks.
  • I do not give him a choice – I insist on what I want.
  • I make his decisions for him
  • I answer other people’s questions for him
  • I don’t see God’s sovereignty, I act as if I am sovereign and everything depends on me.  I don’t trust God to lead me.
  • I offer unsolicited advice to my guy – he may interpret that to mean that I think  he can’t come up with good solutions and ideas on his own.  That feels disrespectful to many men.
  • I jump in to help him with something without him asking me for help.  This can be confusing to us – because to a woman, it is loving to jump in and help someone usually, but to a man it is disrespectful many times to help without his asking for help
  • I offer plenty of criticism about his ideas and shoot down his plans, suggestions, dreams, wisdom and solutions.
  • I clean up my guy’s stuff, give away his things, organize them or mess with them without his permission.
  • I look down on him with contempt.
  • I believe I am better than he is.
  • I have a HARD time forgiving.  I hold grudges.
  • I have a lot of negative things to say to him and about him.

HELPING (by God’s Spirit working in me):

  • I only offer help when he asks me for help.  And when he does ask me for help, I make his request a priority.
  • I listen to him intently, trusting him to come up with the solutions and answers himself.
  • I show my faith in him that I know he’s “got this.”
  • I say something like, “I don’t know what the answer is, but I know you, and I know you will come up with the right way to handle this problem.” (Gary Thomas, Sacred Influence)
  • I only offer my suggestions when he asks for my opinion if it is some decision he needs to make that does not involve me.
  • I respect my man’s ability to handle his job, his family relationships, his friendships and problems without my assistance.
  • I do my best to stand behind his decisions.
  • I share my perspective and ideas respectfully.
  • I don’t tear him down with my words to others.
  • I have only good and kind motives towards him.  I think of myself as being on his team.
  • I have his back and defend and support him to others.
  • If he does ask for my advice, I am gentle, not bossy.  I present options to consider, not iron clad things he has to do.
  • I am a safe place for my my man to confide his vulnerabilities, weaknesses, temptations, struggles, emotions, ideas, dreams and plans.
  • I generously and freely offer grace, mercy and forgiveness.
  • I focus on the good in him.

DARE:

1. Seek to avoid giving unsolicited advice to your man – and to other people in your life, too!

2. Let your man know that you want to be a safe  place for him to share his struggles/difficulties with you.  Do what it takes to become that safe place.  You may want to ask him how you could improve in this area.  Then just listen and take his suggestions to heart.

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