Monday night started out ok. I was really tired. Our little girl was up a lot coughing the night before – and I don’t sleep well on normal nights – but had even less sleep that night. We had a lovely spaghetti supper together, the four of us. And then my husband mentioned that he thought I needed to cut back on the time I was spending blogging. And it happened…
BACK FROM THE GRAVE
My old sinful nature reared up with vengeance. That hasn’t happened in a LONG time – especially not that severely. I wasn’t prepared for it. That just goes to show that I need Jesus every single moment! I have NOT and will not ever “arrive” until I am in heaven! I tried desperately to nail the awful thing back on the cross right away and kill it again. But it was a fight!
I seek to “die to self” every day during my quiet time and all throughout the day. But wow. This one took me totally by surprise with the sheer intensity of self.
ANGER AND SUBMISSION
- I felt angry about my husband wanting me to cut back on my blogging.
- AND I agreed with him that the blogging had gotten way out of balance.
- He wanted more time with me – that is AWESOME!
How can I agree with him AND feel angry? I knew what he was saying was absolutely right. But I didn’t like it. I love blogging and would much rather blog than clean the house, that’s for sure! I don’t know that blogging had gotten to “idol” status yet – but it was definitely becoming too high up on the priority list. And the funny thing is that I KNEW that my level of anger about cutting back meant that my husband was exactly right and that I had let blogging become too big of a priority. But it was an internal battle. I began realizing my feelings weren’t my friends, and that I couldn’t trust them in that moment – and I had to look to my husband’s leadership and ignore (or shoot) that strong, awful inner voice.
I have never experimented with alcohol or drugs – thankfully! But I am pretty sure I may have an “addictive personality.” It’s hard for me to do moderation. I tend to do things more in extremes. Cleaning, reading, studying… even blogging.
So I was REALLY thankful that my husband told me what he saw and I REALLY wanted to submit to him and agree to cut down the computer time. And I was thankful that he told me even though I got angry about it. I kind of wished he had said something weeks earlier, but at least he was saying something now. I don’t want my husband to avoid telling me important things just because he’s afraid I will have negative emotions to deal with. I want to accept his leadership graciously. And usually, I do, by God’s power! But that night, for me, it was a battle. I knew that I would cooperate with my husband’s totally reasonable request – but I had to kill the old pride and sinful nature first.
MY HUSBAND PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS
I was totally amazed at my husband. I was not acting in a godly way. I was trying to accept what he said, but I felt hurt and upset. Maybe hormonal, too? Or possessed – it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes!
My husband went on a walk with me – I LOVED THAT! He was patient as I struggled. He answered my questions kindly. After we got home, I started cleaning up some rooms I had been neglecting due to various construction projects that have been going on the past few months. And I totally lost my patience. He had not asked me to clean up. That was my own idea. The kids have SO MANY TOYS! I wanted to just throw them all away. I HATE dealing with a bunch of junk and clutter. And the music room was filled with junk because of a project my husband has been working on in the foyer for a few months. I lost my patience about all the mess in there, too. 🙁 UGH. Why was I torturing myself right then as if it had to be done THAT MINUTE? My husband and children started helping me clean in my obsessive-compulsive cleaning fit. Wow. That had never happened before!
My husband took me aside and cuddled with me. Seriously. In the midst of me being an ungodly mess – he grabbed my hand gently and took me to another room and held me. That definitely helped – and was pretty humbling.
Then he amazed me even further. He left the tv off the whole night and just held me and we talked. He was SO gentle! He was SOOOOOO patient. And I was all yucky, scary and sinful. I sure didn’t deserve his love Monday night, but I really needed it. His love helped bring me through that darkness and back out into the light.
I decided to fast from food in the morning and pray about my blog, my priorities and about setting some time limits and making healthier choices. And I went on a total electronics fast for 24 hours. It was good to clear my soul and pray and listen and be more present with my children.
I have a much clearer perspective now. And I am happy to report that I deeply appreciate my husband’s godly leadership and love – especially in the face of my awful reaction and spiritual battle. And I completely acknowledge that he is right, and I need to have a better balance. I’m so glad he was willing to say so!
Sometimes your wife may balk at what you believe she needs to do. That does NOT mean you are wrong! It might mean you are totally right! Sometimes we just need time to process and accept things. I knew the whole time my husband was right. I knew the whole time that my intense reaction was only more proof that I had things out of balance. I knew that I was going to yield to him.
But I had to get out the hammer and nails first and nail that old sinful self back up to the cross.
THANK YOU, GOD, FOR YOUR DESIGN AND PROTECTION OVER ME IN MARRIAGE!
Thankfully – within an hour or two – all was well – God’s peace was back in my heart and the old sinful me was down for the count again. I’m SO grateful I have a husband who is willing to tell me what I don’t want to hear – the things I most need to hear. He keeps me out of trouble and makes sure that I keep my sanity. What a gift from God he is!
I got to spend a WONDERFUL evening with my husband tonight and hear all about things at his work and things on his heart. I have been missing too much of that! I’m glad I have a man who will stand up for his convictions and do what he believes is right. I benefit as much or more than he does in the end when I follow his lead.