Today’s blog is a guest post by Justin Campbell. Justin is a 40 year old single guy living and working in St. Louis. You can read more by him at his blog More Than Don’t Have Sex, where he writes about singleness, Jesus, the church, and how we can all be in it together.
I have a friend who says that most men are afraid of their wives. My joke has always been that I’m afraid of my wife and I’m not even married to her yet. Ha.
Men, even though we like to act tough and hide it, often get all wuss like when we are around someone we like. We act differently. We become too nice or desperate. This is bad for many reasons but one thing for sure, as long as you are afraid of the girl, she will not be attracted to you.
Women are constantly subconsciously testing men. Do they feel safe with you? Can you take care of them? Can you stand up to them and therefore stand up for them? If you fail the test, you will not be attractive.
This is why we need to face the our insecurities with women.
Insecurity leads to all sorts of bad actions. Defensiveness, nervous movements, bad jokes, talking too excitedly, being sarcastic, talking about ourselves all the time to prove ourselves, or acting tough just to name a few. These things make us appear desperate – because we are.
Now obviously dealing with the opposite sex is not the only place that we face insecurity, far from it. But it is one place that almost all of us at some point experience it.
Here’s a harsh truth. More than making us unattractive or keeping us from a full dating life, insecurity is a sin. It’s not some type of humility. Humility is having a right view of who I am in comparison to God and relation to others. It means being not self focused. That’s not insecurity.
Insecurity means that I am looking for my security and identity in someone other than Jesus. If I’m insecure around a woman that means I need her approval. I’ve given her the power to define me and how I feel about myself. This is totally wrong, a form of idolatry, and it’s not attractive.
Insecurity is also a sin because it is fear based. Fear of rejection, or fear of what others think of me. Fear is never from God. The truth is, every decision we make, we make either out of love or out of fear. There’s not much in between.
And this leads to perhaps the biggest reason insecurity is sin. Insecurity gets in the way of loving others. Think about it. If I “like” this girl and am desperate for her to like me, then there is no way I can really love her. You can’t love someone when you are more worried about what they think of you than what is best for them. It’s impossible. As long as you are focused on attaining or keeping their approval you aren’t free to love them. As long as you are being insecure, the focus is on you not them.
This gets in the way of all sorts of ministry and it for sure gets in the way of loving those closest to us. It also keeps us from allowing others to love us because we are constantly putting up different subconscious walls to “protect” ourselves.
You can’t have insecurity and intimacy. Intimacy requires safety and safety requires security.
Jesus was never insecure. In fact no one has ever been more secure in who he was than Jesus. This is one of the reasons that so many people were drawn to Him and why so many people hated him.
He was comfortable and confident. Therefore when you had a conversation with Him He could be fully engaged. He was completely free to love each person He encountered precisely because He didn’t need them to like Him. It’s not that He didn’t want people to like him – heck He invited people to follow Him for heaven’s sake, but His identity did not depend (and by the way doesn’t now) on whether you followed Him or not. He is who He is, regardless of what anybody else does.
This is why the more I find my identity in Christ the less insecure I will be. The more that I know how loved and secure I am in Him the less I have to fear. I can’t just know about Jesus and His truth – I have to figure out how to actually live out of it.
Mostly what we do instead is try to cover up and hide our insecurities. We pick only the challenges that we can win. And in dating we only pursue people we know will like us, or we stumble around unsuccessfully chasing the women that we really want or we pursue no one.
Christian men should be the most confident attractive men that a woman can run into. But are we? Not from what I’ve seen.
We have to face our insecurities. So, when are you insecure? Where does that come from for you? What in your story has made you that way? Do you live more out of your fear or your identity in Christ?