This is a guest post by Lee Ann – a single Christian woman in her early 30s:
Is it ever okay to trick someone into believing a lie? Most of you are thinking “no” right now. I would have to agree with you on that. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when entering a relationship we have tendency to bend the truth in our favor?
- We might tell a man that we absolutely love sports, but we truly have no idea which sport has touchdowns or goals.
- We might gloss over the not so pretty parts of our past, scared that he won’t accept us if he knew the full truth.
- We might tell a man we met on the internet that we are a trim size 4 who loves only healthy foods, but we are an average size 12 who would eat a dozen cupcakes a day if we could.
- We might tell a godly man how we cannot live without Jesus, but we haven’t had personal time with Him in at least a couple of months.
- We might tell a man we love our church, but we only attend on special occasions.
- We might tell a man that we thoroughly enjoy working out, but the thought of sweating and actually completing a workout makes up cringe.
- We might say we are looking for a godly man, but refuse to get to know anyone who doesn’t meet out outward standards.
Is bending the truth or altering our actual reality to improve our chance of a man liking us really that bad?
Is using God as bait okay?
Is refusing to get to know a godly man because he just isn’t “exciting enough” okay?
Is hiding the ugly parts of our past a good way to start a relationship?
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:22-25
Sometimes we believe that these things do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. Most men (and men please correct me if I am wrong) will not write us off because we do not love football, but they will be upset that we led them to believe a lie. Somewhere along the way, we have believed lies ourselves:
– that we have to like exactly the same things as a man.
– that we have to be the most beautiful girl on the planet.
– that we will make time for God and get to know Him if we had our checklist met.
– that we want a godly man but we prefer that he not be too godly.
– that a truly godly man would never want someone who made a mistake.
Are there going to be men who aren’t attracted to you physically?
Are there going to be men who cannot overlook and forgive your past?
But, here is the caveat we miss concerning marriage:
We don’t need all men to be attracted to us, we just need one particular man to be attracted to us – if marriage is God’s will for our lives.
Sometimes we get so caught up in stereotyping men that we do not realize that a wonderful man is standing right in front of us. Sometimes we holler so loud about what all men do, are, say, etc. that I am sure they would rather just back away than try to prove us wrong. (I had a male friend tell me this)
Starting a relationship based on a lie is never the answer. No matter how small it seems, it does matter.
I am not suggesting on a first date you tell every detail of your past, hand him a page with your blood type, weight, and social security number, that we all assume all men want us, or that godly men are boring. Let’s not make assumptions at all. Let’s take things slowly and get to know someone as friend first, ask questions and listen to his heart, and be honest with how we present ourselves. All of us want to put our best foot forward when meeting someone, but it is okay if he sees you with no makeup and in your glasses, knows you do not have a perfect past, has different hobbies than you do, or is more advanced in his Bible knowledge than you are.
Honesty will take us further than a lie ever will. However, a lie will also take us further than the truth ever will. Honesty brings us closer to God and another person. A lie brings us closer to sin and loneliness.
Do you think it is ever okay to lie/exaggerate/bend the truth to increase a man’s attraction to you?
When we build a new relationship on the truth, we build on a solid foundation. A relationship built on lies will crumble. Even if the lies seem “small” – they reveal much about the character of the one who was deceitful. Trust cannot flourish where there are untruths. And trust is essential to develop a meaningful relationship with a godly man. Honesty is essential to our being godly women.
I don’t believe it is necessary to tell a guy every detail about your past the first day you meet him. But – follow God’s prompting. Pray. Seek His will. Seek to honor Christ first and to honor the godly man you are interested in. Build your relationship, even if it ends up just being friendship, on truth, my dear sisters! Then, when a godly man loves you for you and offers you grace – imagine the joy that will be yours. To be loved for who you are, your past and all, is the most wonderful kind of love. That is the love God has for us. And that is the love I desire you to find in a potential man – that is also the kind of love I long for you to be able to give to your future man.