A guest post by Satisfied Wife who has been married for two years now and in whom God has been working mightily over this past year to open her eyes to things to which she had been blind. She has repented and allowed God to begin to transform her in powerful and beautiful ways. I am honored to be on this journey with her and with each of you. I love seeing God heal broken, wounded people. This wife read the following posts and wanted to share some of her thoughts with our single sisters:
I am writing this to any single woman who has had some devastation in her life, and who is considering marriage. This is coming out of my own heart and deep hurt and trials, with the intent to warn and encourage any single lady who might have a similar background. My heart cry to you is: it is not worth it (to disobey Christ), sister!
There are so many tragic things that can happen to a woman that will forever scar her, and lead her down the wrong path, if she is not led and guided by someone older who loves her and is looking out for her in every sense.
We know the devastation of families these days – especially the removal of strong godly men and father figures who will keep their daughters from evil, and who will protect and raise her to guard her own heart and especially her chastity.
Now, I want to be clear about something first – there is HOPE if you are in Christ! If you are in Christ, He is able to transform your mind, and renew you inwardly and heal those wounds from the past, in order to guide you in His will (including marriage).
But I also want to be clear about something else – you must allow the CROSS to govern your life if you are going to find the man who will treat you right (and if you are going to be a woman who will treat her man right). You must be crucified to your own personal interests and your own desires – because your heart will deceive you, sister, if you are not careful.
THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE EVEN BEGINNING TO THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE
- Do you have godly friends, possibly older women who are mentoring you or discipling you and holding you accountable in your walk with Christ?
- Have you had sexual relations in the past, or are you currently sexually active?
- Have you been formerly addicted to drugs/drinking?
- Have you struggled with self-worth and believed that you are unlovable?
- What is your relationship with your father?
- If you are honest with yourself, would you say that you could honestly wait for the right man, or are you desperate to be married?
- Have you ever dated anyone who was physically violent and/or controlling?
- Do you have children out of wedlock?
- Have you been repeatedly rejected/abandoned by men?
- Have you ever been involved with stripping, or hard core partying in the past?
- Were you ever sexually abused?
- Have you dated unbelievers since you have been born again?
- When someone tries to tell you that you are sinning or tries to give you advice, what is your reaction to them?
If there is any single lady who has any of these things to consider, I just want you to know that you are loved and not alone – no matter what your feelings are telling you. These things can cause deep deep wounds in a woman’s heart, and they usually leave her headed down the wrong road especially when it comes time to marry.
In my own life, because I was so headed on the wrong path from such a young age, when it came time to get married – and even though I was in Christ at the time, I truly wasn’t able to see any red flags for what they were because I was blinded by infatuation and my own desire to be married/loved.
Coming from a past that includes:
- sexual sin
- very low self-worth
- constant abandonment/rejection by every man from father to my son’s father
- a child born out of wedlock, etc…
I was driven from a very young age, too young, to find “love” and feel loved. And for years upon years, all I found was rejection, abuse, and abandonment.That is where women usually end up when they are so mistreated and head down the wrong path in that area – desperate for love.
WARNING ABOUT COMPROMISING
If any single lady is compromising in the sex department, I want to strongly urge you to flee. Not only are you disrespecting yourself, you are disobeying a very big thing that God says to flee! I know some of you might feel like sex is the only way you can feel wanted and loved – but it is an illusion. That is sensual, carnal pleasure, and it does not help you it hurts you. It will come down to this – what do you want more: The Lord Jesus or sex? Please prayerfully search your heart about this, sister.
Another warning is having a child out of wedlock and being a single parent. I will never have a “real” family. My family is broken. My son will never have his “real mom and real dad together” under one roof. And although the Lord, in His MERCY and His Great Love, has turned those ashes into beauty in my life, I will strongly urge any single lady to FLEE from this! Being abandoned while pregnant has been the biggest scar on my heart.
Whether it is one man or 50 that you have had sex with, whether committed to a relationship or not, I can warn you that those memories from those encounters will not magically disappear after marriage. They will likely intensify, and the devil will try to pounce on you with those memories. It is not worth it.
IDOL OF MARRIAGE—A WARNING
If any sister right now out there is feeling like they just NEED to be married – please take heed to what I am about to say to you. You are very susceptible to being deceived into marrying someone who may not treat you right, whether they are in Christ, too, or not. You are even more susceptible to marrying a man who is an unbeliever, as well, because you may be blinded by infatuation and by wanting to be married – NO MATTER THE COST – even if it means DISOBEYING GOD’S WORD. This is a dangerous place to be.
I am so thankful – in my own life – God SOVEREIGNLY intervened when I almost married not one, not two, but THREE men who were UNSAVED! Two of them I came to find out were secretly drug addicts! Can you imagine if I had married one of them? But you see, I was SO BLINDED by my idol of marriage that I didn’t care to see what was going on with these people! I was SO BLIND! Thank the LORD, He intervened in both cases – and I saw what was going on and they were sovereignly removed from my life! PRAISE GOD!
If you are feeling like you will just marry whoever comes along, and it will be ok – I strongly encourage you to think again, and consider what you are placing above Christ in your heart to the point where you will actually purposefully go against the revealed will of God in order to satisfy your desire for marriage.
Ladies, when I escaped these men – it was only 6 months of me being single and pure before I met and married my husband. In that time of 6 months – I sought the Lord and I felt He was truly leading me to my husband and to be married.
We met on a Christian dating site, and we talked for about 10 days before we decided to meet in person. Ladies, at this time, we were BOTH seeking God whole-heartedly! We had every intention of getting married – and we were both seeking God about each other, whether we were to marry or not. We both ironically did not want some big wedding, and we didn’t believe that waiting to be married was wise – we both felt that if the Lord revealed that we should marry, then why wait? I was all about that idea.
So as we got to know each other, and I started learning of my husband’s past, red flag after red flag was being flashed in my face, and I did not see them. In fact, I felt that he and I understood each other so much better because we had a lot of the same past experiences.
We dated for 8 weeks, and then got married.
A few weeks before marrying, however, we had started spending nights at each other’s places (BIG MISTAKE), and sure enough, one thing led to another, and we fell into sexual sin. I actually didn’t want to do that. I regret that. But see, at the time, I was SO infatuated, and I believed we were getting married, so I didn’t think it was wrong. LIES! We weren’t engaged yet, there was no diamond or anything. He could have walked away at that point. Thankfully, he did not. And a week or so later, he romantically proposed with a diamond ring—- and we got married 10 days later. NEVERTHELESS – it was WRONG and not honoring to the Lord at ALL and I’ll forever REGRET THIS!
Sister, thankfully, by the GRACE OF GOD ALONE – when we are in Christ – we have been washed and justified in the Name of the Lord Jesus! HALLELUJAH! And even with a troubling past – we don’t have to continue to believe the lies that we are not worth being treated with dignity and honor. If you are currently dating or engaged to a man who has a number of red flags – I beseech you by the Spirit of God in me – to truly see them for what they are and commit to WAITING until there is LEGITIMATE PROOF and FRUIT from this man that he is truly delivered and set free from things before ever marrying.
If you have been involved with sex with anyone or even to someone you are engaged with – I strongly urge you to stop – to flee – and to seriously consider why you are doing that. My pastor tried to warn me to wait and I didn’t listen, because I was SO driven by my own desires and feelings. I was deceived. Now I know the truth, and my heart is broken, and I have many, many regrets.
BUT – the Lord is taking my horrible mistakes and turning it around now for the good to warn my single sisters to step back and take heed to those who have gone before you and have not taken the right course. So much heartache can be avoided.
Now that I am learning about these things – the Lord has truly given me a new compassion for my husband – and it is only as I am able to accept him as he is that things in my marriage can move forward and grow. But if I take all the things I expect from him and don’t look at it through the light of reality and his past and my past – I am going to be very miserable for the rest of my life.
One last thing, ladies, when I was dating my husband for those 8 weeks – he truly seemed like he was delivered from his past. He didn’t seem to have any issues with most things on the list of red flags. It wasn’t until we got married that all the things came back to life and showed their faces to me.
I do love my husband, and I do believe that the Lord can use all this for the good – but it doesn’t remove the consequences or the scars. They are there. We have both been hurt in our marriage by each other – we both have regrets. It doesn’t have to be this way. If you are single – then you have the chance that I will never have again. You have the chance to wait, to seek God, to truly get your heart and mind right before EVER considering marriage to anyone. This decision matters more than you will know.
I do not regret marrying my husband at all.
What I regret is that I wasn’t ready for what I was getting myself into. I regret not being whole first in Christ—-and not truly understanding what marriage would be like. I regret not seeking wise counsel before getting married, and learning about realistic expectations. I regret idolizing marriage and wanting to feel loved, etc.
But either way, It’s only been almost 3 years, and the Lord has done SO MUCH work in my heart and life that honestly, it’s ok, by God’s grace alone! I looked back to my journal from the day I got married, and I asked the Lord to truly teach me what it means to be a godly woman, wife, and mother. He started on that request immediately, looking back, and here I am now, only 2.5 years later writing about what the Lord has done in my heart and life and marriage. ALL GLORY BE TO GOD! He answers our prayers! And His purposes rule over all things when we belong to HIM!
I pray that any single lady that reads this will have eyes opened to the truth that Christ is to be our focus – not our wounded desires. He is what we need – and if He is not our number one need – we will be very easily led astray and find ourselves involved in things that are hurtful, regretful, and unworthy of the name of the Lord. Please take heed!
A NOTE FROM PEACEFUL WIFE:
All spouses are human and will sin at times, even those who are fully committed to Christ. We will not achieve complete perfection until heaven. We all have some degree of “red flags” and baggage that we bring into marriage that we will have to deal with. My hope is that Christian couples considering marriage will seek to deal with any red flags as thoroughly as possible before marriage and that they will count the cost of what each potential spouse’s baggage and scars will require to have healing later in marriage before committing to marriage. We will all have plenty of opportunities to give and receive grace, mercy, and forgiveness in marriage. As we yield more and more to Christ as Lord, we can live in victory over sin because He is in control, not our sinful flesh! That is the goal! I pray that The Satisfied Wife’s words and her story may be an encouragement to you to seek to do things God’s way and to seek to listen to His wisdom as you consider prayerfully the direction He desires you to take regarding marriage that He might be greatly glorified in your decisions and in your life! 🙂
A Wife’s New Understanding of the Red Flags She Missed before Marriage – by the Satisfied Wife (how God has given her compassion and grace toward her husband as he deals with the scars and wounds in his life emotionally and spiritually from his past)
To find out what this wife has been learning, please search my home page at www.peacefulwife.com for “Satisfied Wife.” 🙂
Here is a post from her own blog about how only Jesus can provide real contentment to any of us and her struggle over 2 years of marriage in discovering that marriage did not satisfy her deepest needs.