A guest post by my dear 31 year old Christian single sister, Lee Ann. I am so thankful for her willingness to share!
Have you ever felt weary? Have you ever been weary to the point that you think you cannot possibly take anything else or you will break? Recently I was at this point in my life. Only, I hadn’t grown weary in doing good. I wasn’t weary from working hard for the kingdom. I was weary because of sin in my life and because of lies that I have believed.
I had been praying that God would take me deeper and purge anything from my heart that did not honor Him. Little did I know that I was in for a fight that I was not expecting.
I have written often about the power of accountability. I truly believe that it is a powerful and beautiful thing. But, do you want to know a secret? It is easy to believe in something when it is smooth sailing and when it is all good times. Accountability is wonderful to us when our mentor is rooting for us, celebrating in our successes, excited about what we are discovering in the Word, and is praising us.
Accountability is tough when our mentor is correcting us, pointing out sin, and refusing to let us stay in a pit.
There was a day recently when sin and lies were being revealed to me left and right. I was caught off guard. I really did not expect so many revelations when I asked God to take me deeper. I had not slept more than 2 or 3 hours a night for about 3 days, my heart was hurting over something personal, and work was a bit stressful. How many of you know that the enemy likes to kick you when you are down?
My mentor was pointing out things that I needed to work on and flat-out change. I felt attacked. I felt like she was anti-Lee Ann and pro-anything-but-Lee Ann. I felt like she thought I was a failure and a horrible person. I started to think I should just tell her to back off and leave me alone. You should know that this is not like my personality. I generally take correction fairly well. But, I felt bombarded and the enemy started to whisper. Worse than that, I started listening to his whispers.
I started thinking, “Why does she hate me so much? Why does she want me to hurt? Why can’t she just accept me the way I am? Why won’t she just leave me alone?”
I cried myself to sleep that night, but I rested well. I truly believe God knew I needed rest before I could fight. I woke up early in night/morning (before dawn) and just started praying. I don’t remember the exact words of my prayer, but I know I was pleading with God to hear His truth. I truly felt His peace. I felt like He wanted to take me deeper, but that I needed to let Him in these closed places of my heart before I could go deeper. I felt like I had to make the choice whether I wanted to stand still, or be broken, and therefore be able to move forward and deeper in my walk.
I chose brokenness and it was ugly and terrifying.
These were some issues that NO one has been allowed access to see. These have been my personal safety nets, allowing me to have a reason for my hurt and justification in my sin. If I never exposed them to the light, I would never have to acknowledge that I was broken. I would never have to let go of that emotional security blanket that I have held on to since I was young.
We speak of vulnerability like it is no big deal. Ladies, vulnerability is hard, so very hard. I just want to encourage you today, if you are feeling broken or unloved. Do not listen to the lies of the enemy!
I am so grateful to have an amazing mentor who loves me. Because she cares deeply for me, she wants to see me grow and not wallow in self-pity and in sin. She does not want me to be trapped believing lies from the enemy. I know, beyond any doubt, that she loves me. But, the enemy saw that I weak and he pounced. And, I let him have access.
Instead of immediately turning to prayer or the Word, I turned to doubt and distrust and believing old lies. There is a war for our souls. “The enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy,” (John 10:10). The second part of that verse is my favorite, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” Abundantly is defined as “present in great quantity; more than adequate; over sufficient.”
God wants us to realize that He is more than sufficient and more than adequate. When we are not enough, He is! Praise God!! My weaknesses and sin are not too much for Him to overcome. He is always on team Lee Ann if I am His!
My sisters, we are never going to have it all figured out, but let’s not allow that to discourage us. When we are broken, at the end of our rope, or confused and hurting – that is where His glory shines! That is when we, and others, know with absolute certainty that God alone healed and changed us. That is when we can say, “Father, all glory and honor belong to you and you alone!” He alone is good! He alone is holy! He alone is righteous!
We are to confess our sins to each other. Now, we have to be wise about who we are that open with. I recommend being in prayer about your mentor/accountability partners. I wrote not long ago about how secrets and allowing things to fester in the darkness of our hearts is where sin grows and how light and exposing those sins and weaknesses is where healing comes in. I had the chance to practice what I preach. Pruning is painful, my friends. I won’t say otherwise.
But, oh the sweetness that comes when the burden is lifted and the lies are extinguished is beyond anything I can explain in words.
I pray that you allow yourself to be vulnerable. I pray that you allow the Holy Spirit to reveal your sin and weaknesses and that you allow God in to those spaces. I pray that you allow Him complete control.