Photo by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

It is so important that you discuss this issue with any potential future husband. Pornography use is extremely rampant today, sadly, even among men and women who profess Christ. Many people think it is no big deal. But the truth is, that pornography is extremely destructive in marriage. If you know that your man struggles with porn, even if he is a believer, this issue needs to be thoroughly dealt with before you get married. (And if you are the one with the porn addiction, please deal with that thoroughly before you consider marriage, as well.)

SOME TIPS IF YOU DECIDE TO GO FORWARD WITH A MAN WHO STRUGGLES WITH PORN

  • Be sure you are both on the same page.
  • Seek to be well-educated  about what exactly is going to be involved later if you marry a man who has a high temptation in this area (or if you are the one who struggles in this area).
  • Seek to have a support system outside of the marriage and accountability outside of the marriage.
  • Develop a plan about how to prevent temptation and how to handle temptation together as a team.
  • Work on a plan about how to handle things if your future husband falls into porn use so that you both know what to do.
  • He needs significant spiritual healing from the Lord.
  • It would be wise to be sure he truly does repent and then to be able to see that he has a significant period of time where he is able to grow and to heal before you commit to marriage.
  • Seek to understand the addiction as much as possible and examine all the possible options for treatment and strategy.
  • You may also need significant healing from the Lord if you have had a porn addiction, a masturbation addiction, a history of sexual abuse, or if you absorbed messages that sex is dirty, even in marriage.
  • You may benefit greatly from  premarital counseling with a very experienced counselor in this area who can help you prepare well for marriage and to continue to help you after marriage.
  • Agree to mutual boundaries and ways you both plan to protect your hearts, your eyes, and your minds from lust.
  • Recognize that with this addiction, like drug addictions, relapse is pretty common.
  • Be prepared to give extraordinary amounts of grace to each other.

Do not expect a porn addiction to magically disappear after marriage. Some people think that once they get married and can have sex, they won’t desire porn anymore. This is not true!

If a man has had a porn addiction for a long time, it isn’t about the attractiveness of his wife. It isn’t about her being “enough.” It isn’t about being able to have sex with his wife. It is an addiction as much as a heroin addict is addicted to a drug. In fact, porn has a similar effect on the brain in the way it stimulates a dopamine release. That is what makes it so addictive. Some researchers believe that a  porn addiction is more difficult to quit than most illicit drugs addictions are.

Unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult for a wife to feel honored, respected, valued, and safe when her husband is addicted to porn. It feels very much like a physical betrayal and like physical adultery to her. It is easy for a wife to lose her attraction to her husband and to not want any physical contact and for her to lose respect for her husband and think of him as an enemy. Of course, this makes things even worse.

Those who struggle with addictions tend to be more tempted when they are lonely, upset, stressed, overwhelmed, or when they feel shame.

Please only marry a man who truly wants to live for Jesus Christ. And please be sure to throughly talk about this issue before marriage so that you are not taken by surprise afterward and so that you can both prepare adequately.

If your man professes to live for Jesus, but has zero desire to give up porn or to repent from it, that is a huge red flag. 

  • Or if he acts like porn use is not a big deal, and that you shouldn’t worry about it, that is also a big red flag.
  • If he says he will take care of it, but then the two of you have no discussions about the plan and accountability and transparency, that will not work. Ignoring this addiction doesn’t make it go away.

This sin is not beyond the reach of God. He is able to heal. But don’t gloss over this and assume it will all be fine. Look into all of the resources for married couples about porn addiction before you get married. Pray. Be SURE that you discuss your expectations after marriage and that you understand exactly what you are signing up for if you decide to move forward. This issue can destroy a marriage very easily. And if the husband’s porn use doesn’t destroy a marriage, the wife’s bitterness and resentment over it can.

It will require incredible spiritual maturity and dependence on the Lord to handle this rightly.

RESOURCES:

Red Flags Part 1

Red Flags Part 2

My Husband’s Sin – What Do I Do? by Nina Roesner  (lists possible options for wives about how to handle their husband’s porn addiction)

www.xxxchurch.com

The Real Reason You Can’t Quit Porn Has Nothing to Do with Sex

Brent Riggs’ free ebook for married couples dealing with porn addiction

How Can I Tell If I Am Ready to Be a Godly Wife?

 

 

 

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