Questions for the Men about How Romantic Movies/Books Affect Expectations in Women Jan 3, 2015 | Uncategorized | 12 comments Share this:Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)Click to print (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)Like this:Like Loading... Related 12 Comments jack on January 4, 2015 at 10:42 pm I think the toughest part of the whole situation is trying to get the women to accept that romance-addiction and worshipful attitudes toward high-status men is the equivalent of male “shallowness” when they look at exceptionally beautiful women, i.e. swimsuit models or whatever. In many Christian circles, it is fully acceptable to use worldly standards to judge a man’s fitness to be a husband, because the line between the world’s values and the proper Christian values has been blurred. For instance, a woman might reject a man because he is a plumber or electrician instead of a white collar executive. The rationalization: “He has wasted his Godly talents by not pursuing college.” (yes, this is a common rationalization). The ability to provide an upper middle class lifestyle is also seen as “evidence” that a man has acted with Godly diligence. What we often find is that women in the Church (FULLY enabled and encouraged by their church leadership and parents) will find ways to take worldly attributes and “Christianize” them so as to be justified in holding men to those standards. I have watched women gush over the “worship team leader”, talking about how they “love his servant’s heart”. But this is a falsehood because they are not gushing over the man who is the parking lot attendant out in the cold. Let’s face it, there is plenty of recognition and personal affirmation available to the rock stars in the worship team. But we do women a disservice by permitting them to whitewash their true motivations. Because if the guys who spent a hot and dusty doing church yardwork do not elicit the same “servant’s heart” attraction, well, we know why, don’t we? The Bible requires a man to serve God, and gave us woman as person to help us serve the Lord. And yet, we seem to have a dynamic where the man is supposed to prove his ‘worthiness” to win the hand of one of God’s precious daughters. (Next time you see someone talk about precious daughters, ask them if it applies to those precious sons). The majority of us men have experienced exactly this – a lifetime of being held up to a standard that is a mix of Hollywood and Christianity, and a standard applied by the whims of women, sanctioned by the parents and the Church. Most Christian women will never believe me, because they think that “they are not like that”. And yet, why then are there so many men saying exactly what I am saying? The final insult is coming now, in the form of endless hand-wringing articles in the Christian press, lamenting the “overgrown man-child” who refuses to grow up and do all of the prescribed directive that will “make him a man”. A lot of this foot-stamping tantrum is coming because there is a generation of women who have had their romantic expectations disappointed, and they are lashing out at the men for failing to live up their specifications. I, for one, now take a strange pleasure in being on the receiving end of this judgment, because I am one of the few who pushes back, and I usually deliver a stern rebuke to any woman or church representative who dares condescend me and my brothers in Christ. I feel bad for the portion of Christian women who never behave this way, and hope they find a husband. The rest, however, have been instrumental in creating the current climate, and are about to find out that they are not going to be able to scold the men into picking up the tab for their selfishness. RG on January 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm Please post the above comment everywhere! This is a major issue! Peacefulwife on January 7, 2015 at 8:03 pm Jack, You are welcome to post this comment on PW, as well, if you would like. 🙂 Peacefulwife on January 6, 2015 at 8:08 am Thanks for your thoughts, Jack! jack on January 6, 2015 at 1:44 pm The system is broken. I don’t really expect individual Christian women to swim against the cultural current, because there is much social pressure on these women to meet this secularly-inspired standard. Certainly, it will be a more courageous woman who would marry the plumber or the truck driver, fully knowing that there will be talk about how she “settled” for a blue collar man. I think that there is a real opportunity for revival in the woman-to-woman sense, once they stop evaluating and judging each other’s life choices and each other’s men. You can even see this in political feminism, which is a social tool that women use against other women. They use feminism to bully women into disrespecting men. It’s institutional now, even in the church. I see endless articles written by well-intentioned but utterly out-of-touch grey-haired pastors who are exhorting the men to “man up and be someone”. But these old mens’ insistence on looking at all women as innocent princesses is the blindfold that prevents them from seeing some of the more unfortunate truths that have come into play since they were young men. The men are making their stand, and are checking out from the church and society. We shall see if this brings women to repentance for the disrespect, or if it leads to even more attempts to bully and shame us into compliance. Peacefulwife on January 7, 2015 at 8:05 pm Jack, My prayer is that God will wake up many, many individual women to swim against our cultural tide. We must wake up or we will perish! Our culture is poisoning us in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. jack on January 9, 2015 at 8:44 pm April- Thanks on behalf of men everywhere for giving a fair view on us. Peacefulwife on January 9, 2015 at 8:50 pm Jack, That is my goal and desire – to help women understand who men are and what masculinity is and God’s design for masculinity/femininity/marriage – and most of all to exalt Christ and His Word. Jason on January 10, 2015 at 10:37 am Jack. Thank you. I minister frequently in the man-o-sphere on forums / Internet communities. There are many former Christian men here who match exactly what you have stated. I am working and trying to bring them back to Christ. What you have posted I have experienced as well, and it at one greatly “angered” me, I have learned to understand that my relationship in church / community of believers is with Christ first, and everything else second. This has gently helped, and healed. Thanks for your reply. Countless Christian men are facing this today…and in relation to some of the Christian-romance-fiction out there……….it’s not helping. Peacefulwife on January 11, 2015 at 7:09 am Jason, I thank God for the way He is using you to minister to men who are frustrated, angry, and disillusioned. I long to see men and women restored to fellowship with God and with each other. I’m all ears if you have suggestions for how we can address the issue of Christian romantic novels in a way that might bring healing. Stormie Girl on January 11, 2015 at 5:02 pm I recall reading in another post that it is problematic if a man who is courting you doesn’t appear to have any sexual attraction to you. What are some biblically appropriate ways to express sexual attraction in a pre-marital relationship? Peacefulwife on January 12, 2015 at 8:36 am Stormie Girl, Each individual and couple will probably have to come to their own convictions about boundaries and how to best honor God and maintain purity and chastity. But, especially as a couple is engaged and preparing for marriage, there will need to be some talking at some point about sex and expectations – perhaps with a godly mentoring couple. And both the man and the woman should both be excited about the thought of consummating the marriage on the wedding night. They should both be looking forward to sex with eager anticipation, in my view. Some red flags I have seen: – A man who says, “God took away my sexual desire. I have no problem with lust and no temptation in this area at all with you.’ – A man who has been sexually molested as a child (this is going to take serious help for him to be healed sometimes). – A man who believes that sex is “dirty,” even in marriage, and who talks about how nasty sex is and doesn’t want to be naked with his wife after marriage. Some people don’t hug or kiss at all until their wedding day. There is nothing wrong with that – but it can mask some of these flags, especially if the couple never discusses sex together before marriage. It also makes it difficult to know ahead of time how affectionate each person will be and makes it easy to make wrong assumptions about how things will be after marriage. I don’t personally have an issue with hugging, kissing, or hand holding before marriage – some other people may. I think it may be wise not to be alone together and not to put yourself in a position where it would be easy for things to escalate. And I don’t think it is wise to do LONG sessions of hugging or kissing. There probably will need to be some degree of attraction. I think that a couple can detect that even without touching each other. I hope this helps! 🙂 I pray God might give you wisdom.