From a Christian woman who went to visit a man she is interested in. I want to thank her for allowing me to share her story. I believe that many other women are going to relate to her way of thinking and her responses. Her words from her first email are in black, mine are in blue, then her second response is in bold black. The names have been changed for the sake of privacy:
Scott picked me up from the train station around 7:45am, and since it was very early he mentioned that he would like to go to the gym to get some energy. We hadn’t really talked about what we would do. I suggested that he drop me off at my hotel and pick me up when he was done. Late in the afternoon he called me and said he would run some unexpected errands and then pick me up.
I pretended to be ok with it.
You could have said, “I am sad that we didn’t get to spend as much time together this morning and this afternoon like I had hoped.”
When he picked me up at around 4, we headed to his house. His brother was home and so I made conversation with his brother while Scott prepared a meal for us. I repeatedly offered to help but he said he would rather that his brother and I keep him company.
- Offering to help once would have been ok. But then, respect that he wanted to make a meal for you and enjoy his company. 🙂
Scott then set the table for two. I am not proud of what happened next.
He invited me to join him and I refused.
- NO!!!!!!!!! Are you serious?
My precious girl… you travelled to see him. He made you a meal, and you refused to eat it. Not good. I see you realize that now.
Yea. This was a horrible decision on my part 🙁
He and his brother shared the meal while I watched the baseball game playing in the background. After they were done eating, I washed the dishes in an attempt to make up for being rude. At the time
I was so hurt and wasn’t thinking clearly. His brother left the apartment and Scott and I were left watching the game. In about 15 mins he fell asleep on the couch.
I became even more upset and let him sleep for 30 mins. I locked him in the house and went exploring. He woke up and called me after being asleep for about 1 hour and 30 minutes.
- His falling asleep was certainly not ideal – but it doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be with you. I am going to assume that he was just exhausted.
Yes. He had to wake up very early to pick me up since he was at the train station at 7:45. I wish I were thinking more clearly when it happened instead of assuming the worst.
When I got back, he asked me what I would like to do for the evening. This was about 7pm in the evening. I was hurt that I had wasted an entire day waiting around for him. I told him that I would be happy to do whatever he would like to do. This discussion continued for about 45 minutes. He would ask me the question and I would say that I would be happy to do whatever he would like. I told him that I wouldn’t be making any decisions and that I would be happy to do whatever he had planned.
- Letting him lead doesn’t make that he must make all the plans by himself. He was trying to be sure to choose something you would enjoy. That is thoughtful of him! Just because he didn’t make specific plans, does not mean he doesn’t care about you. I believe he DID care about you and your feelings and wanted to make you happy.
Next time, throw out a few suggestions of things you would enjoy. 🙂
I will definitely make sure I throw out suggestions next time.
His brother returned and we began watching yet another baseball game.
Scott began to joke with his brother that I was upset. He jokingly told his brother that perhaps I was upset because I felt that he had not put thought into the weekend, or made a concrete itinerary. This made me even more upset because I realized that he knew precisely why I was frustrated. Scott is a very carefree and spontaneous person, whereas I like to know what the plan is. He often jokes that the quickest way to make me upset is to fail at planning. It was now 8:30pm.
I told him that I would really just prefer for him to take me back to my hotel.
If you know that his personality is to be carefree and spontaneous – then, in my view, it is wise to expect him to probably be carefree and spontaneous and not to have a schedule to go by. If you would prefer a schedule, then, maybe you can suggest things you would like to do and a possible schedule.
- It was entirely possible to salvage the day at any point along the way.
Instead of asking to go back to the hotel, you could say, “You know, you’re right. I do like things planned out. I’m sorry that I got upset that we didn’t have plans ahead of time. The main thing I really want to do today is enjoy spending time with you. I can do that anywhere. 🙂 I actually really love that you are more spontaneous than I am. I could use a bit of practice in that area. 🙂 You know what I would really love to do? What if we went downtown to the river and had ice cream together and you could give me a tour of your city? It would be fun!” (I am just making up an example – you could have suggested anything.)
Your suggestions make so much sense!!!
On the way out of the building, we stopped and he asked me if I was hurt or disappointed.
I told him that he is a smart man and he should be able to figure it out.
I’d love to see you say something like, “You know what, you were right. I do feel upset because we didn’t have things planned out to do together. I had hoped we would have a lot more time to spend together and I had hoped we would get to see the town and enjoy exploring together.” (Would have been even better to have shared what you wanted to do BEFORE you visited.) “I’m sorry I got upset. I think we can still salvage the evening, though. How about we go out and do something now?”
Saying “you’re a smart man and you should be able to figure it out” is probably a destructive way to handle this. Men do better when you are straightforward and direct. It is possible to be honest and respectful at the same time. You can tell him how you are feeling without blaming him. men are not the best mind readers. To a guy, what you just said would probably feel disrespectful. He was genuinely trying to figure out what was wrong. Better to just clearly say what is wrong in a calm way.
I really need to work on this area! I know that words are powerful and instead of using them to sort out the situation, I used them to punish him.
He told me that he would not stop thinking about it if he simply took me to the hotel. I told him that maybe that is what was necessary. We walked to his car and he drove me to the hotel. As soon as we arrived, he asked me if he could get a minute of my time. I was already hyperventilating and crying and told him that I didn’t want anything to do with him.
- Not good. 🙁
He was trying to make things up to you.
Reading this now makes me realize that I acted like a spoiled 5 year old 🙁
I stormed up to my room and began to cry even harder. I was hurt and frustrated. I had woken up before dawn, arrived at the train station early, inconvenienced other people in order to spend as much time with him as possible. I was hurt that he hadn’t thought enough of me to plan anything for us to do.
- WOAH! We have got to really stop here and look at your thinking.
You are assuming evil motives because he didn’t plan the way you would have if he had come to see you.
He’s not you. You admitted that he is spontaneous and carefree and not a planner. For him not to plan has nothing to do with how much he cares about you – it is his personality. It’s totally unfair to label him as being uncaring or thoughtless just because he is different and doesn’t do things the way you do.
If you had him come to visit you and you didn’t plan anything to do, it may mean you didn’t care about him. But I do not believe his motives were unloving, unkind or thoughtless at all here. In fact, he has shown multiple times during the day that he was trying to do things to make you happy and show you that he cared:
- he apparently wanted you to come visit
- he picked you up at the train station
- maybe he wanted you to go with him to the gym? I don’t know? Maybe it could have been fun?
- he made you an elaborate meal as a gift to you – which you refused
- he felt awful about falling asleep, it seems to me
- he asked you over and over about what you wanted to do because he wanted to please you and make you happy and show you he cared about your feelings
- he was sensitive enough to realize you were upset and he wanted to make things better
- he tried to keep you from going to your room and wanted to make things right when he dropped you off at the hotel
- he was willing to come back and get you and talk through things.
Your perspective is really challenging me to see how my personality is negatively affecting my relationship with him. You are completely right. Instead of focusing on all the great things about him and the day, I piled on resentment after resentment to the point of tears. Your perspective also made me realize how prideful I was in that situation. My thinking at the time was that the “right” thing to do would have been to create a detailed itinerary, and that the “right” thing to do would have been to be a mind reader. All of which is horrible 🙁 I should have put myself in his shoes.
Why didn’t he want to show me I was special?
Why had he left me to spend more than 8 hours by myself at the hotel before picking me up?
Did I really bore him to the point of falling asleep?
All these thoughts just made me cry harder. 15 minutes later I decided to call him. I asked him where he was, hoping that he was parked downstairs. He told me that he was at his house. I asked him if he wanted to talk and he drove back to my hotel.
- This guy obviously cares about you a lot to be willing to come back to the hotel.
He really does care about me. I have to work harder at showing him that I appreciate all he does for me.
We spoke about the evening and I apologized for my behavior. He told me that he wanted to make sure that I would enjoy whichever activity he chose, which is why he repeatedly asked what I preferred. He also told me that his main goal was to put the needs of his guests above his own needs. I told him that I felt like I was being clingy and a nuisance to him. We resolved our differences and decided to have a better time the next day.
- I am REALLY glad you had this talk! And I am glad you apologized.
We continued to communicate regularly but I couldn’t shake my frustrations completely.
I had been feeling like I was the one pursuing him excessively and so I decided to wait until he missed me and contacted me. After not calling or texting him for 2 weeks, he called me and we had a short and fun filled conversation.
- That sounds good.
Yes. I REALLY have to stop expecting him to be a mind reader. It is unrealistic and unfair. oh boy! sounds like I have a lot of work to do!
I do care about him a great deal and I have never met a more spectacular man of God. He is so much more than anything I could have prayed for and I am determined to relate to him in a manner that glorifies God.
I cannot put into words how much I appreciate the time you have taken to read my lengthy email and to share your advice. Thank you SO much for all you have done!!!!