RG’s (a Christian brother’s) TAKE:
You probably don’t really find him “attractive” YET (so, maybe you say he is “attractive” because you know your friends are attracted to him, but not really yourself?), but God can change that, and IF YOU are godly, then your attraction to his godly character traits MIGHT grow and change your opinion of him to find him more (desirable) “attractive.”
The Bible never talks about physical/emotional attraction as a mandatory pre-requisite to marriage. I also think that Christian women can be too quick to label godly men as “unmarriageable” just because they don’t have an INSTANTANEOUS “Spark” or emotional “Chemistry” reaction when they first meet.
- Don’t be so quick to throw godly men out of the realm of all possibility with regard to potential marriage. Keep an open mind.
I’ve heard older men say, “The Bible says to “love the woman you marry,” not “marry the woman you love,” and I’m sure the same would be true for women as well. Though, I’m a bit hesitant/skeptical to believe that most godly, believing, Christian women would normally CHOOSE to marry a godly man whom they did not already find deeply biologically/emotionally “attractive.”
April always cautions women to marry a man whom they “respect,” but I always want to add the caveat on to that, that women should respect godliness, not just the traits of dominant, masculine, high-status, etc. What are the things that you respect?
What I see is the large majority of believing, Christian women who look ONLY for the normal “wordly attractive” traits of high-status, dominance, masculinity, “edgy,” “exciting” men, which make up 99% of their own ideal “husband material” “ice-cream Sunday,” THEN they try to force/manipulate/change him in order to MANUFACTURE the “Church attending Christianity” “maraschino cherry” to place on top of their own creation, so that God will “bless” their will, and so those women can FEEL better about enjoying their “ice-cream Sunday” with less guilt.
They talk about the value of godliness, but it seems more like an afterthought to their own will and their own plans in a vain attempt to appease God.
Technically, the Bible says to “respect the man you marry,” not “marry the man you respect,” though I’m sure April has some wisdom in saying that, and I’m sure she could probably speak about this in greater detail.
Just try to be aware of WHAT you are respecting, and WHY you are choosing to respect it.
FROM APRIL (PEACEFULWIFE)
Ooh! That is such an important point – that women should respect godliness. I should be a lot more clear about what we should respect. Thanks, RG!
For me, and for many, many wives I know – there wasn’t a big “I am so attracted” feeling right away for us with our husbands.
Greg was attracted to me right away – he tried to hold my hand the day he met me – but I wouldn’t hold his hand. I didn’t think of my husband in a romantic way for months. Of course, I was only 15 – so I don’t know how useful my example is. But – I thought of him as a friend. In fact, I remember thinking he may not be “my type” physically – not that I had a “type” set in stone at that age. He didn’t pressure me or push me the way some guys did – that made me bolt when guys came on too strong with me. He just kept hanging around and talking with me every day and being my friend. When he realized he scared me by asking me to kiss him, and I freaked out – he backed off. But instead of feeling rejected, he figured out that I was THAT naive and innocent and he just gave me time. In time, I did become attracted to him. I know MANY couples where the guy was attracted immediately, but the girl wasn’t – and they were friends for a long time before they began to court/date. There are some couples who both feel immediate attraction in the beginning, too. So, there is no specific way that things “must” go.
I’m really thankful that Greg gave me time and space. The more I got to know him and his character and see how he treated me and my family and I saw his faith – the more attractive he became to me.
I don’t know how much this applies in the single realm – but – from what I have seen on http://www.peacefulwife.com – a woman has a powerful ability to increase attraction between herself and a man by focusing on what she respects about him – irrespective of his looks. Whether it is the admiring secretary, or whether it is a godly wife.
I have a post with 8 wives’ stories about how as they focused on respecting their husbands, the chemistry and attraction went through the roof. Does that apply with singles? Maybe.
A lot of people say “You don’t have a choice about feeling attracted to someone.” That may be true.
- But – you can feed attraction. You can nurture it and give it time. You can focus on the good things and meditate on them.
You can do the same thing in reverse. You can make yourself loathe a man you were attracted to by focusing on all the negative things and meditating on his faults, flaws, imperfections, sins and weaknesses. Many wives do that and they get some pretty miserable results – they lose all attraction for their husbands.
Does that mean you MUST marry a particular godly man? No.
Do I know if it is God’s will for you to marry him? No.
But I wonder if it could be possible to leave the door open to the idea that he could be a great choice? I kind of hope so if he really is a very godly man.
I think RG is very wise to challenge us as women to be aware of what we are respecting in men and why. Our motives are key here!
Women didn’t have much choice about whom they married in Bible times. But God commanded them to respect their husbands. We do have choices today. With that freedom and responsibility comes great power. I pray we will choose wisely.