(Note: Today’s post is about how we can treat men who are generally responsible, law-abiding, reasonable men who are in their right minds. If you are with a guy who is truly abusive, involved in an active drug/alcohol addiction, infidelity, criminal activity, or has an uncontrolled mental health issue – please do not read this post, but seek appropriate help. If you are reading this blog, my expectation is that you will seek to live in full submission to Christ and the Bible and that you will only date/court a man who is willing to seek to live in full submission to Christ and the Bible.)
If the thought of trusting your guy to do something simple creates great angst, fear, panic, “freaking out,” and terror in your heart – this post is for you!
Sometimes women get so frustrated because they are trying very hard to respect their men, but their men still feel really disrespected at times. A woman may try not to give directives, may use a respectful tone of voice and respectful word choices – and that is awesome! But if the underlying message is:
- I don’t trust you.
- I think you are incompetent and irresponsible.
- You’re going to mess this up.
- I am completely consumed by fear, worry, and anxiety to imagine that I have to depend on you to take care of this little responsibility for me.
etc… please note:
There is not a respectful way to communicate these ideas.
Any time I communicate a lack of faith, a lack of trust, or a lack of confidence in my man – I am insulting him. For a man to feel disrespected means he feels insulted. Could there be a time when I may have to communicate that I can’t trust my man? Maybe. I sure hope it would be rare. But I need to be REALLY careful here. If there is ANY way for me to communicate trust and to be able to trust him, that is what I want to try to do.
I can’t insult or disrespect my man respectfully.
Does this mean that we must always trust our men no matter what? No. There may be times when we can’t trust someone. If my husband wanted to drive on the wrong side of the road – I would have to insist that he drive on the correct side or ask for his keys or demand to be let out of the car and call 911. If he truly makes extremely foolish and unwise decisions, or he is not in his right mind – there may be areas where I cannot trust him until he changes in those areas.
- If you are considering marriage to a man who makes lots of choices that you believe are truly foolish, dangerous, and unwise – please prayerfully reconsider whether this is a man you ought to marry. You should generally be able to trust a man you marry to make wise decisions because if you marry him, you are signing up to follow him and trust his leadership in your life.
For those of us who are with truly responsible, decent, godly men – is it possible that something else may be going on here? If you find yourself consumed by doubt, worry, and fear as your general state of mind – and you are terrified to let go of control with little things, maybe it is time to prayerfully ask God to help you look at your thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes, our lack of trust, respect, and faith in our men is really not about them – it may have more to do with our own control/fear/faith issues. (At least, that was the case for me.)
Am I willing and able to give up any attempts to control my guy (and any other grown adult) and honor the God-given freewill my man has? Or do I believe I have the right to take that away from him and to dictate to him how he needs to live?
God did not design us to freak out about every little thing. If that is happening, the sinful flesh has control. He designed us to love and trust Him and to rest in His sovereignty. The mind controlled by the Spirit is “life and peace” (Romans 8:6). What is beautiful in a woman to God (and to our men) is when we have a gentle, peaceful, still spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear (I Peter 3:1-6).