April – 04/2014
If you have read many of my previous posts – you will know that I was the dominant twin in a set of identical twins (I still am a twin! But hopefully I am not so domineering anymore). I am a pharmacist (working 1/2-1 day/week now). I usually made all As in school and college and I had to have HIGH As. I tended to be a perfectionist – to the point I would make myself sick over my grades. And I am probably a bit OCD – not that you’d be able to tell if you saw my house right now. But I like ZERO clutter. I love not seeing a lot of junk around the house and get a real high from getting rid of stuff and having glorious free space. I am a type A, go-getter. I know what I want and I know it immediately. I know how to get what I want (or at least I think I do!). I don’t wait around – I do it and get it done!
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:15
LEARNING TO WAIT
Two months before Greg and I really hit our stride with me figuring out respect and stepping down out of the way for him to lead – I had an important conversation with God. Not a fun one, but a necessary one.
I like to MOVE. I like to GO. I like to feel like I am making progress. I like to travel at 100 mph and feel like I am doing something “useful for God.” I used to try to drag my husband along. Turns out that doesn’t work! At all. So I finally just stopped in July of 2010 (after I had been studying respect and submission for about a year and a half) and said:
“Ok, God. I can see that I have been running way ahead of You. Again. Like usual. I want SO much to do great things for You! I want to serve You in BIG ways! I want to give all of myself to You and do important things in Your kingdom! But right now, my husband doesn’t seem interested in that stuff. I can’t make him want to give to orphans or adopt children or move to Africa to be missionaries. And maybe it’s not my job to try to lead him like I have been trying to do. I’ve been going about this all wrong. He’s supposed to be in charge spiritually, not me. I’m afraid if he’s in charge, we will never go anywhere. But You are clearly showing me that You want him in charge, not me. Maybe there are worse things than us going nowhere.
Ok, God. I am going to stop running ahead. I am going to stop trying to force things to happen the way I think they should. I am going to (gasp! – cringe!!!) WAIT. I am going to wait right here geographically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually until You direct me to move. I want to do things Your way now. I am going to listen to my husband. I am going to trust that You will lead me through him. So I will take his direction as if it was coming from Your very lips. And if he is leading and doesn’t direct me to go anywhere – I am going to sit right here, waiting on You and waiting on him until I am 80 years old if I have to. That will be ok. I want what You want. I want it in Your time and Your way. I will wait on You.
I trust You to lead me through my husband. And if we don’t go anywhere, and that is Your will for me – then I will accept that.”
A NEW BEGINNING
This was not an easy conversation for me to have with God. But I knew I had to do it His way.
So I was still.
I waited on God.
I quit running way ahead.
Within 2 months, Greg and I had a HUGE breakthrough in our marriage that tore down the remaining walls of disrespect and misunderstanding and we have not had another significant disagreement or misunderstanding since then to date!?!? We’ve had a few tiny bumps, but they last for about an hour or less and we are able to resolve things right away and everything is right again.
Things began to change RAPIDLY. But the funny thing was – I was still. I was at peace. I was patient…. Maybe you don’t know me very well so that doesn’t really have the impact that it should so I just have to reiterate… I was patient! ME!?!? It was a supernatural God kind of patience and a supernatural God kind of peace I had never known before just swept over my soul, took up residence and has been camping here with me all day every day since then. And I LOVE it!
I sat still. I waited. Nothing horrible happened. The world did not collapse or spin off of its axis.
I saw God change our marriage. I saw God change my husband. My passive, unplugged husband who seemed miles away emotionally and spiritually for so long began to revive, plug in and draw close to me – and to God. He began to be the man I fell in love with again. He started looking at me and smiling at me again. He started to care about my feelings again. He began to want to do something to help me if I was sad (which wasn’t nearly as often anymore!). And he loves to see me happy more than anything. I watched God transform him and make him blossom into a godly leader, a man of initiative, a man of conviction, courage, integrity, selflessness and a man who would lay down his life for me and our children. Sometimes it was little steps, and sometimes it was BIG leaps and bounds that would take my breath completely away. Each day held its own new surprises.
A NEW WAY OF LIFE
Instead of me deciding how things would go and steamrolling my husband with how things would be, I began to tell God and my husband what I wanted and how I felt and then leaving things in their hands. And I was at peace!??!!? It was CRAZY! And WONDERFUL! Who knew this was possible!?!?! I sure didn’t before. The more I understood God’s sovereignty, the more I could just sit back, praise God, praise my husband, rest in God’s love, rest in my husband’s love and wait with excitement and anticipation to see what they worked out between the two of them. Even when things looked scary, I had faith and trust in them and depended on them to make the decisions that were in our family’s best interests. And they did.
WHILE I WAIT
I do a lot of praying, reading scripture, studying about God’s design for marriage, godly femininity and family. I have my ears open for God’s voice all through each day, looking for opportunities He gives me to share His love and truth with others. Each day just brims over with opportunities. I sing praises to God out loud while I clean – instead of worrying obsessively like I used to. I sing praises to God in my heart while I drive or work. I think of things to write on my blog instead of constantly trying to figure out how to lead the family like I used to. I think of things to thank God for about Himself and about my husband and my life. I dwell on the good things. I am full of hope, joy, peace and faith. I pray for others continually. But I am not carrying the weight of the outcome like I used to try to do.
It is a busy life, an active life, but a peaceful and still one at the same time. And I truly have a gentle, peaceful, quiet spirit that does not give way to fear every day – because God has given it to me! What a precious gift! He gives good gifts to His children!!
THE DESTINATION ISN’T THE BIGGEST THING
The waiting is about enjoying and savoring the journey. It reminds me of when Greg took me to Colorado for our 10th anniversary in 2004. I LOVE travelling with my husband and exploring new places. We would drive and explore different mountain ranges all day and find a hotel on the GPS each night around supper time and stay somewhere spontaneously. I didn’t know exactly where he would take me. Everything was a surprise and an adventure. We enjoyed each moment. We talked and laughed and looked at God’s beautiful creation with wide-eyed wonder. We savored our relationship and the lazy time together. When our flight was delayed and we ended up staying an extra day – we revelled in the chance to be together alone a little bit longer before heading back to see our sweet baby boy. We used the time of waiting to focus on our intimacy, our relationship, our love for each other. What a great way to use waiting time! Then you are not just wasting time, you are LIVING!
That is how I view waiting with my husband and God now.
- I am relishing being in their presence.
- I am savoring the relationship.
- I want to know both of them more.
- I want to be one with them.
- They are in charge of the destination.
- I am just enjoying the ride and soaking up all the attention, love, adoration and unity.
Every day is an adventure because I am no longer in control! God and my husband love to surprise and delight me. And I adore all that they do for me and thank them for what they do. What freedom! What weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I LOVE NOT TRYING TO BE IN CONTROL!!!!!!!! I LOVE GOD AND MY HUSBAND BEING IN CONTROL! It is the most wonderful experience I have ever had. I never want to go back to the old way.
I have to share this with other wives! It is TOO WONDERFUL to keep to myself!
I pray You will help each of us to wait on You and enjoy serving, praising and trusting You while we wait! Let us have a deeply intimate relationship with You and our husbands. Let us be women of great peace, with gentle and still spirits that do not give way to fear. Let us trust completely in You and let our husbands see our faith in them. Inspire us to be the women You long for us to be and let our husbands be the men You long for them to be. Let us raise our children to know and love You and to be faithful servants of Christ!