God has a principle, “You will reap what you sow.”
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Galatians 6:7
- If you sow (plant) corn kernels, you will have a big harvest of corn plants.
- If you sow soybeans, you will have a big harvest of soybean plants.
This is also true in our relationships with God and with people:
- If you sow hatred and contempt with your man, you will generally receive back more hatred, contempt and probably rejection.
- If you sow honor and respect with your man, you will generally receive back more honor and respect.
- If we sow sin, we will reap judgment from God.
- If (through the power of God’s Spirit in us) we sow righteousness, we will reap eternal life.
I know that for some of you, following GraceAlone’s story is a stretch. It is hard to picture how her marriage has anything to do with your current singleness and relationships with men.
But her story has EVERYTHING to do with how you are relating to God and how you relate to men NOW.
You may be earlier in your journey than she is. You may not be married yet. But you are laying the foundation now for your future marriage (if that is God’s will for you), your future mindset and ability to fully submit to Christ whether you marry or not. Her story is YOUR STORY years from now if you don’t put Christ in His proper place and you put having a husband, romance and children as idols in your heart and build your life on those things instead of on Christ.
It is tempting to think that you won’t make the mistakes other women make and you won’t have the conflict other wives have with their husbands if you just “choose a better man” than other women did. Please keep in mind,
- GraceAlone and her husband treated each other with purity the entire time they courted. They did everything “right.” She was very careful about the man she chose. They had premarital counseling. They seemed to agree on things at the time. They addressed all the important issues and got all the “right” answers. She had her parents’ blessing. They were the ideal Christian couple before marriage.
- Greg and I were similar. We did push the envelope a lot more than GraceAlone and her husband did before marriage regarding purity, but we did a lot of things “right.”
None of us had any scars from previous relationships. We were all virgins when we got married. We didn’t have a lot of baggage to bring into the marriage. Greg and I did not have counseling – big mistake. And GraceAlone, her husband, Greg and I all thought we were very well prepared to have a godly marriage. But we weren’t.
For GraceAlone and for me – things began to unravel when we didn’t get our way and didn’t get what we wanted and then we both took over and tried to force our way. When we felt our husbands sinned against us, we felt justified in treating them however we wanted to because we felt so hurt. We were hurting. We wanted our husbands to hurt just as much as we hurt.
- So we began to verbally assault our husbands in an attempt to show them how hurt we were and to force them to do what we wanted them to do.
Let me share an incredibly important piece of wisdom with you, my precious sisters:
You cannot treat a man with contempt, verbally assault him, verbally emasculate him every chance you get, disrespect him daily (or even weekly or monthly), try to control him, try to force your way AND have the emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy you want from your guy (now or in marriage).
It is not going to happen.
We are tempted to think that if we are sinned against, we are justified to come up with the MOST hurtful, damaging and destructive words we can and lash out at our men in anger and pain and then expect them to turn and respond in love and grace.
- That is foolish!!!! It is ungodly. It is sinful.
Even if a man CAN forgive our horrible words, the damage may go so deep, that he may shut us out of his heart – and, understandably so.
Don’t think that if you don’t get what you want, you have the right to use your tongue to viciously attack your man.
You will pay a heavy price for that in the future, maybe for many years down the road. But you will pay for it. He will, too. It is NOT WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Take it from a wife who went down that road and has walked beside hundreds of wives who have gone down that road. IT IS NOT WORTH IT!!!!!
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1
If your sinful nature is in control, you WILL use your words to tear apart, destroy and crush your own relationship, marriage and husband. That is what our sinful nature does. Sin destroys people and relationships. Sinful words cut, wound and kill other people. I know that men seem so big and strong, it seems like they can take anything we can dish out. That is not true! They have feelings and emotions. Even if they don’t talk about them like we do, they hurt and hurt deeply when we attack them with our words.
The power we have as women to destroy our men, our relationships and our marriages is almost unfathomable.
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can say things like:
- You would be such a horrible father. You don’t know anything about taking care of a child properly.
- You are so selfish. All you care about is yourself. You are such an immature little boy.
- You just play video games all the time. What are you, 12 years old?!?!?
- If you were a REAL man, you would…
- I don’t need you in my life! I’d be just fine without you. You are nothing to me.
- You need to pray out loud with me. If you don’t, then obviously you are a really pathetic Christian.
- You’re supposed to be a godly leader. You don’t even know how to lead. How am I supposed to follow THIS?
- You obviously don’t know how to make a wise decision, I’ll just take it from here. Get out of my way!
- I got married to you so that I could have children. What’s the point of getting married if you won’t give me children?
- You’re a wretched example of a husband/father. You’re just like your dad.
- I have to yell at you and put you down, it’s the only thing you’ll listen to.
- You don’t know anything… here, let me do it.
- You are such an idiot…
- You are so stupid…
- My Dad would do it like this – that is the RIGHT way.
You may think you are just lashing out in frustration and it is no big deal. But those “little jabs” are like knives in a man’s heart.
The tongue as the power of life and death. Proverbs 18:21a
My precious sisters in Christ, I IMPLORE YOU to learn to lay down your tongue as a weapon against anyone. Let’s not use our words to humiliate, mock, criticize, destroy, blast, obliterate, crush and kill anyone! Let’s die to our old sinful nature with Christ on the cross and live for Him. Let’s allow His Spirit to fill us and to use our words to build up, encourage, affirm, bless and strengthen our men and others around us.
Please understand – your words have life-long consequences. Things you say without thinking, or things you say when you are hurting and just want to make your man hurt, too – can absolutely destroy your relationship and your future marriage. Let’s use our words to bless our men, to show them we are a safe place for them to fall, to extend grace, mercy and godly love and to display the power of Christ to heal instead of our old sinful power to destroy. Then we will reap a harvest of righteousness and blessing instead of death and destruction.