If you realize that you like to talk a lot more than your guy or your friends/family want to listen, what can you do? This was the boat in which I found myself when I began this journey. First, the Lord began to show me that a lot of the things I wanted to say were sinful things, not helpful things. So, of course, all of those topics had to go. He has continued to refine me on this topic over the last 9 years. I am working on a new level of verbal self-control even now.
SOME THINGS I HAVE NOTICED:
At first, when you realize that other people aren’t that interested in hearing about what you want to talk about most, or you realize that the things you want to say are not things that God wants you to say, it can be painful. I know I tend to wrestle, at first, with things like:
- I feel oppressed if I can’t just say whatever I want to say whenever I want to say it.
- I feel disconnected from others if I am not constantly talking.
- I feel sad if I don’t have a big verbal connection.
- I am disappointed. My expectations weren’t met. I see that I was trying to “draw water from a broken cistern” rather than from the Fountain of Life Jesus offers.
I found that it is helpful to take these kinds of discouraging thoughts to the Lord. He is always ready to listen to me. He is there for me 24/7. I can’t be “enmeshed” with Him in an unhealthy way. He wants me to abide in Him and to “pray continually.” That is very encouraging! Plus, He can transform my thinking and my heart. He can change my desires. He can heal my soul and fill me up and meet my deepest spiritual and emotional needs.
When I Can’t Talk As Much As I Would Like with My Man or Others, I Can Go to the Lord and:
- Realize that God loves for me to come to Him and that He welcomes me with open arms.
- Realize that He will use this pain to refine me and purify my motives, drawing me closer to His heart, if I allow Him to.
- Receive that His Spirit can meet these needs I have more than any human could ever meet my needs for emotional/spiritual connection.
- Anticipate all the spiritual treasures He wants to show me.
- Be sure I am not idolizing my man and his attention.
- Focus on taking responsibility for my emotional wellbeing in Christ.
- Focus on taking responsibility for myself spiritually to grow in Jesus.
- Recognize that the Lord can use this to prune me and face this trial with joy, anticipating all of the treasures He will show me.
- Embrace this time of greater silence and learn to be still before the Lord and to hear His voice more clearly, turn to Him in prayer.
- Study what scripture says about talking too much and humbly allow God to empower me to control my words by His Spirit.
- Study what scripture says about the wisdom of silence and humbly receive this gift.
- Recognize that my opinions and my words are really not what matters most. God’s thoughts, His wisdom, and His Words are what really matter.
Specific Things I Can Do:
- Take my thoughts captive for Christ.
- Praise God.
- Develop a list of things for which I am thankful.
- Journal my prayers and thoughts.
- Invite God to work on my sin.
- Recognize and kick out any tempting thoughts from the enemy.
- Pray for myself.
- Pray for others.
- Sing praise songs in my mind or in another room out loud.
- Listen to or read sermons, podcasts, Youtube videos, or books about the Lord and about growing in Christ.
- Listen to the Bible on an app or read the Bible.
I Can Also Develop a New Understanding of My Man:
I personally was amazed to discover that Greg said he always felt connected with me and bonded to me, whether we were talking a lot or not. He doesn’t connect with words. He feels just as connected to me when we are together talking as he does when he is at work. His love and sense of connection are, essentially, constant. Unless I am upset with him. I was so fascinated to discover this very different way he had of thinking. I always thought we are only connected when we are talking and communicating verbally.
When he explained his perspective to me, it helped me to rest in his love and in the firmness of our connection. It helped me to see that I don’t have to grasp and struggle to feel connected. I already am connected to him. I can just enjoy that bond. It helped me grow and learn new ways to feel connected with my husband which was very freeing. Perhaps your guy may have a similar perspective?
I Can Be a Safe Place for Him and for Other People:
If I am willing to focus on treating my man well and being a safe place emotionally and spiritually, he may feel a lot more open to sharing and connecting with me, in time. This requires a lot of patience and maybe a lot of waiting. In the time of waiting, I can focus on what God wants me to learn during that time. Waiting truly can become sweet with the Lord. So things may change to some degree with my husband’s willingness to talk as I change my approach. That can be a huge blessing. But even if he never talks as much as I like to, I can be okay.
MY GUY CAN’T BE THE ONLY SOURCE OF VERBAL/EMOTIONAL CONNECTION IN MY LIFE
First, I have Jesus. He is my greatest source of verbal, emotional, and spiritual connection. But then, I also have family, friends, and other believers. We can have other friends to share with and talk to, as long as we are not sharing sinful things. We can even have prayer partners and have extremely deep spiritual and emotional connections with godly women friends. We can have godly mentors who can help us to grow in our faith and in our marriages. And then, in time, as the Lord leads, we may be able to mentor other women.
I count myself extremely blessed to get to connect with so many of you online. No, my husband doesn’t want me to send him 87 emails per day. That used to really upset me. I felt it would be way easier to send him constant emails (this was before we had smartphones and could text) than to leave him alone all day when he was at work. Or to leave him alone when he wanted to watch football or work on the house. Back then, I viewed giving him space as torture, not as a gift. But I was very enmeshed with Greg. He needed more space. And honestly, I needed more space from him, too. I needed to stop focusing so much on Greg and start focusing a LOT more on God.
If I Have Jesus, I Have EVERYTHING!
Now, I am filled up with God’s peace and joy. I am filled up with His Spirit and contentment. When I am filled up with Him, I can be content in any circumstances (Phil. 4:12-13). And, I get to talk with my children. I get to talk with my patients in the pharmacy and sometimes be a blessing to them. I get to have wonderful connections with other women on this journey.
I don’t have to feel deprived at all, even if my husband isn’t as talkative and verbal as I am.
I can still find all kinds of emotional and spiritual support, connection, and blessing. I am not dependent on a particular person to provide 100% of that for me. I can enjoy what he offers to me. For us, Greg is way more receptive and talkative now than he was those first 14 years of our marriage when I was wounding him on a daily basis. He feels safe with me, so he is open to sharing a lot more with me. And he is open to hearing a lot more from me than he was when I started this journey. But I can accept and respect his limits and I can enjoy new ways of feeling connected and loved, too – with him, with others (in appropriate ways), and especially with the Lord. In Christ, I can have self-control to be able to be content without talking constantly. What a blessing!
What wisdom has God given you in this area? Or what struggles do you have and where do you need some encouragement?