A reader asks:
“There is a new guy I have been talking to for a few weeks. I let him text me first almost every time. I let him ask me out at first. But then I offered that we could get together the next day. And we have been talking a lot about the future. He is such an amazing, godly guy. But he said,”Let’s not rush this.” What do I do? How do I let him lead and pursue me?”
Here are a few of my personal suggestions – I pray God will give you wisdom:
- PRAY AND SEEK GOD’S FACE and HIS WILL not your own
- be sure you are not putting the guy up in your heart as more important than Jesus – and “I have to have him or I won’t be happy!” (that is idolatry)
- let him ask to see you – don’t offer yourself or seem too anxious/desperate to want to see him
- if he says not to rush – PLEASE LISTEN TO HIM – and stop talking about FUTURE
- talk and think only about the present when you are with him
- ENJOY HIM!
- smile at him a lot
- in those first few weeks, when you are not committed, KEEP DOING NORMAL THINGS in your life – see your friends, be with your family, volunteer, go to church, go to the gym – DO NOT BECOME TOTALLY OBSESSED AND CONSUMED WITH THIS ONE MAN at this point!
- tell him some things you admire about him – just a sentence or two a few times a week or so
- DO NOT unload all of your psychological and spiritual baggage on him in the beginning – there will be time to share your history later after HE has shown that he wants a commitment to you
- decide where your standards of purity will be and how you will avoid temptation and have a godly, older woman mentor who can help keep you accountable
- try not to be alone much at all if possible
- don’t do a lot of touching in the beginning
- let him decide when to try to kiss you (you can stop him if you have a conviction about waiting until you are engaged or married to kiss, but don’t be the aggressor physically!)
- let him ask you to be his girlfriend
- let him decide when and if to propose
- if he begins to flake out on you and stop calling as much – GIVE HIM TIME AND SPACE. He may have stuff to deal with in his own head, let him decide to contact you again. If you text him constantly and try to make him come back to you, you will likely ruin any chance at a real relationship!
- do not have THE TALK – don’t ask where the relationship is going. Enjoy the journey, rest and trust in God’s timing. If it is becoming obvious this guy doesn’t want to commit to marriage, just gradually become more busy and let him taste what life would be like without you. You don’t have to give an ultimatum. Like Bob Grant says, “Men respond to pain and distance, not words.” Mimi Tanner has a great book about giving a “reverse ultimatum” that may be helpful and a book about “Not Calling Men.” (not Christian authors, so weigh their words against the Bible!)
- don’t preach, lecture, nag, scold, criticize him
- accept him as he is, don’t try to change him – marvel at him
- don’t zoom ahead in your mind to months or years from now. Keep your head in TODAY.
- don’t text him constantly. Let him set the frequency for how often to text/call. For the most part, you only text in response to him. Once you are in a committed relationship that he asked you to be in with him – then you can probably begin to initiate some contact.
- OBSERVE his character – how he interacts with others, how he treats his parents and customer service people and you. HAVE YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN to see what kind of man he is. For the most part, what you see is what you get and he probably won’t change much in the future.
- be thankful and content
- do not argue, whine, pout or complain!
- keep JESUS FIRST by a LONG LONG LONG shot in your heart!
If you have relationship questions, I will be glad to give you my perspective and I will do my best to point you to handling things in a godly, Christ-honoring way. But keep in mind that I am not the Holy Spirit and the most important thing is to cling to Christ and be sensitive to God’s leadership and direction in your life!