This is a big question that is on the minds and hearts of MANY of my single sisters. The ungodly guys pursue Christian women often, and boldly, many times. But I hear over and over again that “The Christian men don’t ask us out.”
I have heard from a number of Christian single men on this issue. They are also more than welcome to share in the comments on this post if they would like to respectfully add to or clarify what I am going to share.
Here are some of the biggest reasons that Christian men don’t pursue Christian women today from my understanding:
- fear of rejection – This is HUGE. Especially if a man has approached a number of Christian women in the past and been rejected, eventually, some men may stop trying because the pain of feeling “rejected” and like a “failure” can be pretty overwhelming for a man.
- fear of humiliation – If a guy has gotten up the courage to ask women out in the past, and they didn’t just reject him, but publicly humiliated, made fun of and insulted him – a man can feel so wounded from an experience like that, that he gives up.
- they don’t see clear signals that a woman is approachable or interested in them – While I do prefer for men to do the asking out and women not to ask the men out generally, I also think it is very important for a woman to demonstrate to a man that she is interested in him so that he will see that it is worth the risk to ask her out or to approach her.
- in a single’s group or a church – a man may realize that if he has already asked one girl out, he can’t really just go on to the next girl to ask her out because it will cause problems in the group among the women. So – many men try to do the honorable thing and not ask any other women out after that point. They feel that it is not acceptable to approach any of the other women. They don’t want to cause hurt feelings. They don’t want to cause gossip. They don’t want to have to leave the church if things don’t work out or deal with how awkward things could be later – kind of like the policy that it is best not to date someone at work.
- they have been burned deeply before – If a man has dated several Christian women and other women left him when other men came along who had more money or “better looks” then he may begin to eventually conclude that all Christian women would treat him this way. I am not saying that all Christian women would do this same thing to him, but if that has been his experience over and over again, it is a powerful motivation not to pursue other Christian women again.
- many Christian men are watching the divorce scene – They see what is happening to their Christian brothers who married “good Christian women” and then years later, the wife divorced them for unbiblical reasons, took their children away, took almost all of their income away and heaped contempt on him. Some of these men have had their lives completely ruined, lost their careers, even ended up in jail when they couldn’t pay alimony/child support that in some cases is almost all of or more than their current income. Christian men are seeing that men are often getting the short end of the stick in divorce courts and that almost all of the rights go to the wife/mother. That is creating a good bit of trepidation in many men about the whole idea of marriage or pursuing marriage. As Christian single women, I believe it is going to be important for you to show men that you do not condone divorce, that it is not an option for you and that you understand that divorce is wrong for a wife to pursue even if she “feels unloved” or feels “unhappy” in the moment. It will be important to demonstrate that you understand that marriage is a covenant before God and that your commitment to Christ comes before your desire to seek your own happiness. You will need to prove that you will live by faith and obedience to God’s Word, not your emotions and feelings. Men need to see that today in light of all that is happening in Christian marriage.
- many Christian men have never seen a man lead in a godly way and have zero godly examples to follow in their families and in their circle of friends.
- I believe it is possible that many Christian men have been soaking in the same culture where women tend to take over and lead and dominate and that they aren’t used to leading or taking charge. Many men have very dominating mothers and passive fathers, so having a woman take charge may seem “normal.”
- For men without a godly father, their only examples of masculinity may have been abusive or men who leave or men who became passive and unplugged.
- I also think it is possible that Christian men have a lot more to lose if they are rejected by a Christian woman than an ungodly man would have. A Christian man is going to care about this girl’s feelings and about his future relationship with her and her friends (especially if they go to the same church or work together). He also has a much smaller group of women to choose from. An ungodly man can cast a wide net and may not particularly care who he catches. And, he probably doesn’t care about the girl’s feelings in the future or about her friends or any other long term consequences of his behavior on her life. He may not even be looking for someone to marry. A godly man wants to choose very carefully and be sure that he chooses wisely. He doesn’t want to waste his time and energy on a woman who does not honor Christ. He may want to be very sure of himself, the girl’s character and spiritual maturity and that he believes she could be receptive to him before he would approach her.
- Some of our brothers in Christ are wounded today in ways that unbelieving men are not. Some men hear church leaders teach that “men are more sinful than women” and “women are more holy than men.” This is not true! But sometimes men can feel beaten down when they are told that over and over again.
- Sometimes a godly man may be turned off if a woman who professes Christ looks or acts in a worldly manner. A Christian woman may want to be sure she is dressing in a way that is respectful of her body and modest and that she acts in a way that honors Christ and does not mimic the world.