I think it is important for us as women to understand how attraction works for us. I also think God’s Word gives us a lot to help us understand the way that God designed male/female relationships to work and I believe His design for marriage is the best blueprint for how a romantic relationship works for believers in Christ (but the same principles apply to everyone – just like gravity works for believers and non-believers).
God designed marriage to be a living picture of the relationship between Christ and His church. For the details, check out Ephesians 5:22-33.
- The husband is to represent the selfless, powerful, humble, sacrificial, tender, unfailing, unending love of Christ.
- The wife is to represent the admiration, biblical submission, adoration and devotion of the church to Christ with a gentle and peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to hysterical fear. (see also I Peter 3:3-6)
Please keep in mind that no matter who you marry, God will hold you accountable to obey His commands for you as a believer and as a wife.
WHAT IS ATTRACTIVE IN A MAN?
A man made a comment the other day – and I think it is a really important point.
He was talking about how women are attracted to a man’s “confidence” and he said,
“When women say confidence, what they really mean is dominance.
This is why women melt for the worship team leader; they think (or say) that they love his “servant’s heart”, but REALLY they are attracted to his leadership authority.
To be fair, lots of women probably think that they are attracted to the guy’s servant qualities, because lots of women do not really understand what attracts them.”
I didn’t really like the word “dominance.” I DO like the term “leadership authority.” But I guess if the opposite of dominance is passivity or weakness – dominance may be an appropriate term. I also agree that many of us don’t know what is involved in our feeling attracted to men. Time to find out, sisters! 🙂
There is something about a man’s authority and leadership that can definitely be very attractive to us as women. Think about the attraction that often develops between a boss and his female secretary, or a young lady for her knowledgeable professor or the attraction many women feel for men in uniform. It is the authority that is represented by the uniform that is so attractive, I believe. But here is where we have to be SO CAREFUL!
Worldly men who are confident, maybe even arrogant, who take the leadership role and leave no doubt that they are “in charge” can be pretty mesmerizing to us as women. Especially if they know all the “right words” to say. We can so easily take the bait and fall for them. They seem to “understand us” and know what we want and need. But many times, they are not actually on our wave length as much as they just know what we want to hear and what they need to say in order for us to do what they want us to do.
Unfortunately, ungodly men often like to wield authority/dominance in sinful ways. Suddenly, the smooth talk and magnetic personality that made us swoon and go weak in the knees seems to be replaced by total control, isolation from a woman’s family and friends, constant criticism, blaming her for 100% of the problems in the relationship… maybe even verbal, emotional or physical abuse.
Authority or dominance in the hands of a godless man can turn him into a selfish, condescending tyrant who cares little or nothing about the wellbeing of his woman on any level. As they say, “Absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
If a man is not, himself, submitted to Christ – it is definitely possible for him to abuse his God-given authority for destructive purposes.
If you have read the Old Testament, you may remember that the people of Israel rejected God and wanted a human king. They were so excited about Saul because he was tall and handsome. But after several acts of disobedience and disrespect to God, God’s Spirit left Saul and he was tormented by an evil spirit. He caused much grief for himself and his nation.
People tend to look at someone’s appearance. God looks at the heart.
I think that it is important that we understand why we are attracted to some men and not to others.
Look at the personality and strengths the guy has. Notice the words and mannerisms he uses. Some guys get REALLY great at creating chemistry and attraction because they have practiced a “script”… over and over again. They know it works. So they keep using it. It is important to know that there are ungodly men who play mind games with women.
Let’s ask ourselves
- “Why am I attracted to this guy?”
- “Is this man going to help me draw closer to God or take me farther away from Him?”
Keep in mind, please, that words often don’t mean nearly as much to most men as they do to women. Just because a man SAYS the things you want to hear and showers you with compliments, or – some men know how to tease you and insult you to purposely make you want them more just to prove that you are “good enough” for them – does not mean his words are sincere. That technique of insulting women to create attraction can be REALLY effective (in the short term). So please guard your heart and don’t allow your feelings and emotions to be manipulated!
You may not be able to help feeling attracted towards a man – but you do have the responsibility to decide what you do with that feeling of attraction. You are not a slave to your feelings of attraction – thankfully! You can willfully choose NOT to be around an ungodly man to whom you feel attracted and you can choose to distance yourself and make it clear that you are not available to him. I believe we MUST do this in order to honor Christ!
In the world, we can be attracted by:
- confidence – but unfortunately, sometimes we can be attracted to cockiness
- a sense that this man is in charge and that he will not be “controlled” by a woman
- a certain masculine presence – again, it involves confidence, or arrogance many times
- certain styles of flirting and flattery
- the feeling that this guy is not catering to us, that he doesn’t “need” us, that he knows he could have his pick of women
- he is secure in his manhood
- he is not desperate
- he is sure of himself
- he knows what he wants
- his sense of humor
- good looks help – but are not necessarily required
- he won’t put up with any junk
- of course, money, status, fame, power, etc… are also worldly things that can attract women
I’m sure there are more.
ATTRACTION WITH GODLY MEN
This is going to require us to purposely not allow ourselves to fixate on men who are far from Christ. Thankfully, the closer we are to Jesus, the more we will be attracted to the qualities of Christ. So we will have to very consciously NOT give our attention to men who are focused on this world and living for self, pleasure, money, sex, fame, power… whatever idol it is they pursue. Don’t allow those smooth words to work on your heart.
Finding a godly man is NOT about a guy knowing how to “play” us. It is about seeking God with all our hearts and desiring to be the godly women Jesus wants us to be and seeking God’s will and His glory in all that we do.
For our own protection, benefit and welfare – and that of our future or current children, as well as for the sake of our witness for Christ – God commands us NOT to marry men who live in disobedience to Himself and His Word. We are not to espouse people who are enemies of God and friends with the world.
Our believing brothers in Christ have qualities that – in my view – are infinitely more precious than anything a man of the world has to offer. Our brothers who serve God diligently and submit themselves to Christ and desire to obey Him and to live for His glory are carrying around the treasure of heaven in their hearts. These are the men who will make the best husbands – HANDS DOWN!
Once women marry – we ALL want a husband who treats us like Jesus treats the church. Unfortunately, men who are far from God are spiritually dead and are completely incapable of acting like Jesus or loving us like Jesus does. A corpse just will not get up and love you like Jesus does. It is NOT going to happen!
The things that will attract a godly woman to a man of God are things like:
- his leadership ability (if he is younger, he may not be very experienced, but there will be clues that he is working to develop leadership – not by our definition, necessarily, but by God’s – I Timothy 3 is a great chapter about godly masculine leadership in the church – but I believe that these are also the qualities we as Christian women ought to look for in a potential husband).
- his tenacious submission to Christ no matter what the cost
- that incredibly godly and beautiful combination of strength/power and gentleness all in the same man
- godly humility – not putting himself down all the time, but truly seeking to exalt Christ not self
- his heart for people – his love for others
- he is not “mastered by anything” – he has no addiction but Jesus (If he had addictions, he is walking in victory now and has been for some significant period of time and has accountability and godly mentoring)
- self-control – does not go into fits of rage or violence
- his words are sincere, he is careful with his words and seeks to use his words to build others up not to tear them down
- his passion for Christ
- his devotion to fervent prayer (either in private or in private as well as with others)
- eagerness to do what is right and good
- generosity towards those in need
- godly wisdom
- able to forgive and freely extend mercy and grace
- able to speak the truth in love
- does not hold on to hatred or bitterness
- his devotion to purity and chastity – his desire to honor God with his sexuality and to protect your chastity and purity as well
- his ability to apologize and repent to God and to others when he sins
- he does not boast in himself, only in Christ
- he is not rude or easily angered
- he desires to protect others – especially those under his authority
- his heart to reach people with the gospel of Christ
- sensitivity to God’s Word and to His Spirit
If a man who is serving Christ with all of his heart has not reached these ideals, he is striving and praying for God to make him more like Christ and to transform him into this kind of man. Of course, the process of sanctification (of God making us more and more holy and set apart for His use) is a life long process for all of us.
If godliness in a man does not attract us – I believe that is an indication of a SERIOUS problem with our intimacy with Christ.
I am not saying we will be attracted to every single Christian man. I am not saying you must date someone who you have zero attraction for. But – the closer we are to Christ, the more attractive godly men will be to us. It is amazing how godliness can make a man much more attractive as you get to know him.
The qualities in this section are the ones I want you to focus on, ladies! I believe these are the things that God desires us to focus on, as well!
As you look for a godly man, PLEASE keep your priorities straight:
- Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and love others as yourself.
- Find all of your purpose, identity, value, strength and hope in Christ alone, not in any man or anything of this world
- Ask God to change YOU to become a godly woman who can deeply and richly bless a godly man one day. Focus on growing in your own relationship with Christ and seeking Him above everything else.