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Some things draw our men to us. Other things repel them. While each individual can be unique in certain preferences, there are some things that would drive just about any emotionally/spiritually healthy man away from a relationship with his girl. (A lot of these work in reverse, too, ladies! So if you see these kinds of things in a guy, stop and prayerfully evaluate the situation.) These things also happen to be big red flags to us that we have some serious heart work to do with the Lord. We all need Him to refine us and to help us act in ways that are Christlike and holy.

(Note – I am writing for women who follow Christ as Savior and  Lord of their lives and who are dating men who desire to do the same.)

Let’s take a look at a 9 things we all want to avoid doing if we want to have a healthy, growing romantic relationship with a godly man:

  1. Smother him.
  2. Try to control him.
    • Tell him what to do, what to wear, and where to go.
    • Try to direct his relationship with God.
    • Offer plenty of advice without him asking for it.
    • Expect that he do everything you want him to do exactly when and how you want him to do it.
    • Correct his manners, pronunciation, and interactions with others often.
    • Answer for him when others ask him a question.
    • Be demanding, bossy, and pushy.
    • Assume it is your job to fix and change him.
    • Give him directives instead of respectful requests and suggestions.
    • Isolate him from important relationships in his life with family, friends, and other believers.
    • Try to manage his relationships for him, especially with his family, his boss, his coworkers, and his friends.
    • Insult him and use words to hurt him if he doesn’t cooperate with you.
    • Expect him to put you on a huge pedastal and to yield his will to yours.
  3. Act desperate
    • Act like you can’t live without him.
    • Tell him you love him way too much in a needy, clingy kind of way.
    • Fall completely apart if he can’t spend time with you or doesn’t do what you want. Maybe even react wtih rage or hatred.
    • Threaten yourself or him with harm of some kind if he doesn’t do everything you want him to do.
    • Be filled with insecurity about your idenitity, your self-worth, and your relationship.
  4. Use him.
    • Think of him as a “bank account” whose sole purpose is to meet your needs financially, romantically, spiritually, and emotionally.
    • Don’t think of him as a fellow human being who has his own thoughts, feelings, personality, needs, and perspective.
    • Let him know that his purpose in life is to make you happy and to do things that you enjoy but don’t think about how to be a blessing to him and what he needs.
    • Be more excited about that you are in a relationship than the fact that you are with him specifically.
  5. Be negative, worried, fearful, and/or upset a lot in general about life.
    • It is exhausting to be around really negative people. At first, he may try to lift you up over and over again to be your hero but eventually, he will realize that you enjoy being upset, anxious, and afraid. Or he’s see that you don’t want to change. He will eventually stop trying to fix you or rescue you and let you be where you apparently desire to be.
    • Don’t go to the Lord to have time with Him and allow Him to restore your soul. Go to your man first when you are really upset. Don’t take your thoughts captive for Christ first.
    • Complain and focus on the bad as much as possible.
    • Think about how terrible things are in your circumstances or how terrible they could become but don’t think about God and His love, sovereignty, and provision. Don’t think about all of the good things He has done for you and His people in the past. Don’t praise and thank God. Don’t trust Him.
  6. Cherish your fears.
    • Allow yourself to think about the absolute worst case scenario when he is late, when he is texting someone from work, when he is smiling at a waitress, etc…
    • Verbally attack him, assuming that his intentions are extremely hurtful without stopping to seek to understand him or find out any facts.
    • Be insanely jealous of any woman or person who wants to spend some time with him, including his mom, his sister, his coworkers, etc…
    • Allow yourself to constantly worry that he might break up with you, that he really doesn’t love you, and that the smallest perceived slight is really an indication that your worst fears are about to come true.
    • When you are afraid, treat him as if your greatest fears are already reality, like he has already betrayed you or hurt you even if he really hasn’t.
  7. Hold onto bitterness against him.
    • Refuse to forgive him for anything, small or big, even if he completely repents and changes his ways over an extended period of time.
    • Enjoy holding his sins over his head.
    • Take revenge for anything he does that hurts you.
    • Never extend grace, kindness, compassion, or mercy to your man.
    • Never trust him again, not even a little bit, even if he becomes a totally new creation in Christ.
    • Maintain a continual spirit of offense.
  8. Argue with him.
    • Focus on the little issue and how right you are much more than the health of the relationship and your own attitude, tone of voice, and motives.
    • Assume that what you want is much more important than how you treat other people.
    • Try to force him to do things your way.
    • Don’t seek to understand but only to be understood.
  9. Be mean to him.
  10. Think you are always right.
    • Assume that he should not be allowed to disagree with you or to think differently from you.
    • Assume that you don’t really sin or do much wrong and that you are practically perfect.
    • Assume that your man is a really awful sinner.
    • Assume you know his feelings, thoughts, and perspective better than he does.
  11. Give up your personhood.
  12. Be way too busy for him. 
    • Don’t make any room in your schedule for him, even when you could.
    • Let him know that other things are more important than he is.


Essentially, we must die to our old sinful nature and live in the new nature we have in Jesus. Not just so that we can keep a good man around, but because there is no other way we want to live than God’s way!

Thanks for reading! Sometimes it is great to see some examples of productive ways we can build healthy relationships with our men and sometimes it can be enlightening to focus on the negatives we want to avoid. These 12 things kill romance, emotional and spiritual intimacy, friendship, and trust. Let’s turn to God for help if we are struggling with some of these things and invite Him to change our thinking adn to empower us to walk in His ways of love, peace, joy, and spiritual abundance.

The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Prov. 14:1

May God richly bless your faith in Jesus and your relationships for His glory!

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