From a Christian mother:
Last year, my daughter came to her father and I in tears. She asked if she could finish up her college work from home. We wanted her to stay at the state university where she was, but after she convinced us that she felt God was calling her to be at home and finish, we agreed. She has younger brothers, and the youngest was a baby and she was extremely close to him.
She also revealed (although for over a year, I had already guessed) that she was extremely attracted and in love with a man we all knew very well. Her father and I had actually both been praying about this man and how perfect he would be for our daughter. However, none of the three of us had known what the other was praying. She also had been convicted the Lord wanted to use her talents in our church and to be involved in leadership.
All of those things lined up. She found a roommate to fill her spot in the dorm, she was able to move all of her classes over the local college, and she was immediately plugged into the ministries she had prayed about. We were all still praying about the young man.
BUT in the mean time, she got a little impatient waiting to see if there was returned interest. And, another young man took an interest in her.
At first, she wasn’t interested. She told me there was no way she would ever consider him and she really did love the first guy. I had concerns about this new guy.
- He wasn’t spiritually mature.
- He always needed prompting in every area.
- He came from a very warped fundamentalist cult-like background.
- He wasn’t going to receive higher education.
- He didn’t seem to have an interest in being involved with ministry at church.
- His only interest truly involved working out.
She felt sorry for him, but nothing more. But loneliness and impatience and young adult girls clinging to each others’ Facebook accounts can play havoc on a brain. She gave in and went on a few dates…even though it meant she could just about kiss goodbye attracting the other young man…. the two guys were friends.
As she spent more and more time with choice number 2…
- We saw her begin to give up serving in ministries one by one.
- We saw that the boy never really wanted her to spend time around her family and if she spent time with him, they would never be around our family.
- We would ask open ended questions about how they were doing things they had done or places they had been but began being told it was none of our business.
- We noticed our daughter carried her phone on her person 24/7.
- After about four months, she gave up on her education and quit the 4 year program she was involved in.
- She then began saying that wasn’t what she had ever wanted to do in the first place.
- Sunday through Saturday, almost all free time was spent with him.
- Curfews began being skipped. All we had was a midnight curfew and if she was going to be later to just please call. No big deal.
- I couldn’t get her to spend one on one time with me. We had always been close and now, she couldn’t spend time doing anything with me.
- A few months later we found out she had failed a class for her degree (she was an honor student) and had dropped out of the program.
- The boy had told us to mind our own business after church and we had told him, no…her car was ours as was her phone and she needed to come home with us until we got her education sorted out.
Thankfully, the first young man that she had said she loved was there and convinced her to come home with us and she did listen to him.
However, in the middle of the night, guy #2 showed up while we were asleep and sneaked her out to his brother’s house. After about a month, we were able to convince her to come home. She could live there, we would continue giving her a job, and we would continue to fully pay for her education but she would have to work on her relationship with us and spend time with us and normalize her time and relationship with this boy. We didn’t give her a curfew. She moved back but nothing changed. As a matter of fact, Sunday through Saturday she would stay locked up in her room doing her classes online or watching movies and then leave in the late afternoon with him and not return home til 2, 3, or 4 in the morning.
During the week of Thanksgiving she said she had no intention of changing that and we told her that she had not kept to her part of the agreement made in August and we told her she was free to leave within ninety days. She said to give her til after Christmas. However, she moved out and in with his brother two weeks ago.
- She sent us a text with her engagement ring announcing she was engaged and thought we would at some point support them.
The outpouring of my fellow believers during this time has been overwhelming. Many, many, many have told us how they feel no peace surrounding their relationship. Others have asked over and over again what has happened to my daughter. My daughter states she is completely at peace, but that is because if you question her relationship, she will walk away and shut the door or leave. I know she still has feelings for the first fellow. She has denied that, but if his name is mentioned she automatically has her ears perk up and I found on our computer that she had been looking at the Facebook accounts of his past girlfriends.
We are so heartbroken for her knowing she truly loves the first guy but doesn’t feel like she is good enough and so has settled for someone else trying to convince herself that he is just fine.
But he isn’t.
He lies on a constant basis about his future and his achievements and has absolutely no respect for my husband.
SOME GODLY MOTHERLY ADVICE
Here’s the thing girls…even if your parents don’t have a legitimate reason to NOT like your guy, the guy should respect them enough to put the relationship on hold and go discuss their reasons with them. If he runs and badmouths them, he is really just in the relationship for himself and you will be the one having always to lead in the relationship.
- Marriage will NOT change him.
Real men don’t run from these issues. If he tries to tell you your family doesn’t love you and they will never understand your relationship and only he understands you, IT IS A LIE. Even if you have the worst parents in the world, there are others friends, coworkers, teachers, etc…who do love you.
He is NOT the only one. He is doing this because he knows he can’t match up to you and has severe issues. Even if he claims to be a believer and can quote Scripture does not mean he is the one.
Also, get off Facebook!
Don’t look at your friends’ engagement, wedding and baby photos. Facebook isn’t real life! Don’t get hooked in comparing your real life with a very fake one on the internet!
Look, I know you’re lonely. But look at what has happened to my daughter and heed the lesson.
The right guy might be very close, you just may need to wait or send out a signal. We found out she actually did have a chance with the one she wanted she just didn’t know it.
Oh this story breaks my heart!!! For everyone involved. My little girl is only 7. I cannot fathom the pain that this mother and father are experiencing and I can certainly see ahead to many less than wonderful consequences this young lady is going to have to face in her life as a result of her unwise decisions.
Ladies, please listen and prayerfully consider this mother’s wisdom!!!!!!!