When you date a man who reverences God, respects you, and respects himself – he will probably take your words at face value. That is a GOOD thing! He will believe what you say and act on it. He is not going to read between the lines or guess that you really mean something else.
Men, in general, tend to be very straight forward. They don’t usually give hints. They are often “bottom liners.” They look for the bottom line in what someone is saying. A godly man will believe you and respect your space and leave you alone if you say:
- you want to be alone
- you are not looking for a dating relationship right now
- you don’t want to see him anymore
- you don’t like him
- you don’t want to talk anymore for the rest of the day
- you don’t want him to text you
- you don’t want him to visit you
- you just want to be friends
- you don’t think the relationship is going to work
Some of these statements would tell him very clearly that you don’t want to date him, or that you are breaking up with him. Be sure that you really mean to communicate that before you say something like, “This relationship is not going to work.” It is hard to fix things after a statement like that or after giving an ultimatum. If you don’t mean what you said and you try to explain that later, it will look like dishonesty or manipulation which is going to make it harder for the guy to trust you. Definitely not what we want to do, my precious sisters.
- Don’t tell him to leave if you don’t really want him to leave.
- Don’t tell him you don’t want a relationship if you really do.
- Don’t say things that could sound like you are breaking up with him if you actually love him and want to be with him.
It is important that godly women say what they really mean – that shows great respect to a man.
Then everyone can be on the same page. Godly men don’t usually like it when girls “play games.” They appreciate honesty, and that they can count on that our “yes means yes” and our “no means no.” This verse is specifically about not swearing by anything, but always meaning what we say, but I think the same principle applies. We don’t need to use “brutal honesty” where we are cruel, thoughtless, unkind, or hateful in our honesty. We can speak the truth in love with God’s wisdom, compassion, kindness, discernment, and grace.
- But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one. Matthew 5:37
Godly men don’t want to have to decode important messages, figure out how to read between the lines and hope they are understanding correctly, or how to get hints about things. A guy would likely think, “Why go to all that trouble to have convoluted communication when you could just respectfully, lovingly, gently share your heart and share the truth?” Women sometimes communicate in these more subtle ways with each other – and sometimes it works. But men tend to prefer direct, vulnerable, simple communication. Then no one gets any wires crossed and there is no ambiguity or confusion. There are a lot of advantages to clear, concise, upfront communication.
Guys also tend to appreciate BRIEF communication about highly emotional things – especially highly negatively charged emotional things. Think, bullet points. Not a 4,000 word email.
Examples of what it means to be honest, loving, respectful, and vulnerable (you say very simply what you feel and what you would like):
- I’m feeling afraid about X. I’d really like to talk about that with you and hear your thoughts.
- I have some concerns that I would like to share that maybe we could tackle together, would that be okay?
- I need a bit of time to process things and pray for a few days, then I would like to get together to talk about X. Would that work for you?
- I’m not interested in dating you right now, but I sure do appreciate the offer. Thank you. 🙂
- I might be interested in dating you, but I would like to get to know you better first, how does that sound to you?
- I’d really like to get together, that would mean a lot to me.
- I love it when you text me/call me every day. You make my day when you do that for me!
- You’re the kind of guy I could definitely see myself dating from what I can tell. Thanks for asking me out, I’d like to take things slowly and get to know each other, please.
- I am feeling really stressed and am not sure I would be very good company right now. Would you mind praying for me, please? Then maybe we can try to get together tomorrow night?
- I’m feeling a bit confused about how things are going. I want to have a great relationship with you. I wonder if we might be able to tweak a few things together so that it is a better fit for both of us? I’d like to share a few things that I would be interested to see happen and I would like to hear what things you think might make this better for you, too, if you are up for a 10-15 minute talk about that?
- I’m feeling pretty hormonal right now, I think. I’m pretty sure that I don’t need to have a deep discussion about our relationship today. But maybe in a few days, I will be in a better frame of mind and we can talk about this then if you would like to.
- I need your advice about this problem I am having.
- Right now, what would help me the most is if you allow me to talk and process my thoughts for about 10 minutes. Your listening is such a gift to me. Right now, I am not really looking for advice, I just need to figure out what I am thinking and I do that by talking with someone I love and trust. Thank you!
- I know you have been busy at work. I really miss getting to talk with you. I hope we can talk again later this week. (Only send a message like this once that week, is my suggestion.)
- Things have been really difficult lately. I want to try to make this work. I really love you a lot and I think we make a great team. I believe I need X, Y, and Z. What do you feel like you need that maybe you haven’t been getting? What do you think would be a good approach for us to work as a team on this?… Thanks for sharing your needs and your ideas with me. I would like to prayerfully consider them.
NOTE – please don’t try to tell him what he thinks or how he feels. Don’t have a whole conversation in your head with your guy before he gets to even speak a word. Let him tell you what he thinks and what he wants. Listen to him carefully and make sure you are hearing him correctly before responding. AND, be sure to pray and seek God’s wisdom and His prompting before sharing something in a tense situation so that you are hearing and obeying God’s voice. That is the most important thing!
Much love to you!
If you would like to share more about this to help the ladies better understand a masculine perspective, you are welcome to.
Reminder, I am always assuming that you are seeking Christ far above all else and that you are living in submission to Him as LORD of all in your life and that you would only consider dating/courting a man who is truly seeking to live in submission to Christ, as well. I am assuming that both of you have the fruit of God’s Spirit in your lives (Gal. 5:22-23). 🙂