Sometimes, we think we can’t be firm or drop contact because we would be rude or we would hurt a guy’s feelings. But if a man is so disrespectful that he tries to manipulate us into an inappropriate romantic/sexual relationship and he doesn’t respect our “no,” his feelings are the LEAST of our concerns!
Let’s just make sure we are clear on our priorities as believers in Christ:
- Asking someone to sin against and disobey God is not only rude, it is very wrong.
- Refusing to cooperate with someone who is trying to tempt us into sin is appropriate, good, healthy, life-saving, and necessary.
- We seek to obey God at any cost. We are to be God-pleasers.
- We don’t try to avoid hurting other people’s feelings at any cost. We are not to be people-pleasers.
WHAT GUYS ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
Here we are talking about men who are flirting with us who are:
- Dating someone else
- Not living for Christ, even if they profess Christ
- Not available for you to date because you are dating/engaged/married
- (and – of course, this would also apply to girls or underage guys who may express interest in a romantic/sexual relationship with us, too)
The only guys we should be dating as Christian women are guys who know and love Jesus and who are seeking to live for Him who are unattached to any other woman. There should be real fruit in their lives and there should be real spiritual fruit in our lives, as well.
Let’s be sure that we don’t try to tempt someone into sin ourselves. We never want to be a stumbling block to a brother or sister in Christ. And let’s be sure that we honor and respect other people when they ask us not to contact them anymore. Even if we weren’t asking them to sin or do anything inappropriate.
HE IS BEING DISRESPECTFUL
If one or both of you are not available to pursue marriage with each other (because of other relationships or because he is not living for Christ) and he is trying to tempt you into a romantic/sexual relationship, this is bad news. It is a big issue. God warned His people over and over in the Old Testament not to marry unbelievers because the unbelievers would pull the believers away from the Lord into idolatry and false religions. That still happens today. None of us are an exception to God’s command for us to only marry someone who is truly in Christ. God and His plans and desires for us have to come first. By a long shot.
If you ask him not to speak to you or flirt with you anymore, he should respect your request. If he continues to pressure you for a romantic/sexual relationship, that is not okay.
Stuff like this usually doesn’t magically get better on its own. We have to take action. Decisive action.
WHAT TO DO – some suggestions
- Ask him to stop. Firmly.
- Stop smiling at him. Stop being friendly.
- Don’t welcome contact. Don’t initiate contact.
- Talk about his wife/girlfriend or your boyfriend if he continues to try to engage in conversation.
- Don’t try to witness to him. Refer him to a godly man you know if he says he wants to know more about God. A lot of guys like this will gladly act interested in Jesus and the Gospel just to keep you talking and the door open.
- If he continues to pressure you and not respect your requests not to talk with you, block his number and block him on social media, if possible.
- Avoid being alone with him. Avoid any private communication.
- If you have to be in contact at work or church – don’t respond to anything that is personal. Give extremely short, dull, boring answers or don’t answer unless it is a business question that truly needs to be answered. Also, if possible, copy someone else (your boyfriend, your supervisor, your dad, your pastor, your godly prayer partner) if you must be in contact.
- Involve people in authority in your life – your dad (or possibly your boyfriend, your brother, or a godly guy friend), your boss, the pastor, a trusted deacon, the police if necessary.
Follow the principles of Matthew 18:15-17:
- Confront him privately (unless he was extremely inappropriate and it is not safe to do so).
- If he still won’t stop, confront him with several other people, preferably strong believers.
- If he still won’t stop, bring him to those in positions of authority in the church, work, in your family, or in the government.
- If he continues to pursue you inappropriately, completely remove yourself from the situation and do whatever you need to do legally/ethically to be safe.
Nipping these kinds of issues early will prevent you so much heartache! It will prevent you getting entangled in sinful relationships and abusive relationships.
NOTE – Here I am not talking about a decent man who simply asks you out and could be a potential future husband. In a case where a guy is being appropriate and respectful, you can gently and respectfully let him down easily. You don’t have to crush his soul.
WARNING SIGNS THAT THINGS ARE GOING INTO DANGEROUS TERRITORY ON YOUR END
- If you enjoy the attention of a guy who is not available for you to date/marry.
- If you find yourself trying to pay more attention to your appearance for him.
- If you start to feel excited about seeing him or hearing from him.
- If you get butterflies over the thought of talking to him.
- If you don’t want to tell your parents, your friends, your godly mentor, your boyfriend/fiancé, or other people about your feelings for this other guy.
- If you think you can handle being close friends with this married guy/unbeliever/carnal Christian and it’s no big deal.
- If you think you are above sexual sin or having an affair.
- If you think you can keep things secret and handle temptation and you won’t fall.
- If you find yourself drifting away from the Lord.
- If you allow yourself to fantasize about this guy.
- If you convince yourself that you are the only one who can witness to him effectively for Christ.
VERSES ABOUT AVOIDING SEXUAL SIN
- Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, Gal. 5:19
- Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. 1 Cor. 6:18
- Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Heb. 13:4
- For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 1 Thess. 4:3-5
- But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matt. 5:28
- For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. Eph. 5:4
- I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people—not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. 1 Cor. 5:9-11
This passage, Prov. 5:3-9 is from Solomon for his sons, but the principles apply to us, as well, as women:
3 Though the lips of the forbidden woman drip honey
and her words are smoother than oil,
4 in the end she’s as bitter as wormwood
and as sharp as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps head straight for Sheol.
6 She doesn’t consider the path of life;
she doesn’t know that her ways are unstable…
8 Keep your way far from her.
Don’t go near the door of her house.
9 Otherwise, you will give up your vitality to others
and your years to someone cruel;
What wisdom have you learned about handling difficult situations like this that may be a blessing? Or do you have a struggle you would like to share?
A Heads Up for the Ladies about Respecting Guys and Dressing Modestly – by Lee Ann (men will treat you differently when you begin to to this, so please be prepared)