NIV: “ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.“
5 Questions given at the start for us to answer, mark each statement as:COM = Commanded, IMP = Implied, NOM = Not mandated
1. After the marriage, the man is commanded to prioritize his family.
COM, it is clear in the Bible.
2. After the marriage, the woman is commanded to prioritize her family over the original family.
3. God expects marriage to last forever ideally.
4. A man and woman in a marriage relationship moves as one entity.
5. During marriage, the man and the woman are expected to be happy.
**What to learn from Nelson Mandela’s first failed marriage:
Her wife did not move towards being as one entity:
3 mistakes = focus on career, rejected faith, gave up on the marriage
5 GUIDELINES that “WE” need to know before marriage
1. It is a long journey from ME to WE. – The average span of time that the shift occurs for a couple is 15 years or longer for some. The reason why the Bible commands us to “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
**A study by neuroscientists shows that lab mice tend to form habits through time and same with humans, we need TIME to shift the “single” brain to a “married” brain, our reward is the approval of our spouse, this can be a complex process, so the reason not to give up!Example: For 25 years, a woman’s response while living with her family about the house keys:
Dad: Where is the house key and where did you put it again?
Daughter (angry tone) : I don’t know!! Why do you always accuse me of loosing the house keys?!
When she married:
Hubby: Where is the house keys? (intention, simply asking where..)
Daughter now Wife (same angry tone): I don’t know!! Why do you always accuse me of loosing the house keys?!
Lesson: It takes time to adjust that our spouse is most of the time different from what we are used to people we respond for a long time! 🙂
2. A relationship is never found. A relationship is BUILT.
3. There are traits to look for in someone to make a marriage strong and has the potential to last long.
A. Learning to be humble/teacheable spirit: it does not mean being submissive to all things, this presents weakness, not humility. There is strength in humility.
Ex. Muhammad Ali’s pride and arrogance,
“I am the greatest!”/”It’s hard to be humble, when you’re as great as I am”
After 3 failed marriages, the fourth one lasted 27 years until now, and due to Parkinson’s disease..he was able to say:
“God gave me this illness to remind me that I’m not number One; He is”
Humility means not letting his strength occupy his mind and having the attitude that life is not all about himself.
Question: Are you willing to wait for 21 years for your spouse to learn humility?
B. Knows how to handle conflict well.
Things to take note:
*Refuses to talk, not a good sign.
*Gets physically violent, run as fast as you can!
*Talks your negative aspect to others = shows no loyalty
**Talks to you and tries to resolve the conflict.
**If still difficult to resolve between you, considers to go for counselling.
– A person who refuses to go to counselling is like a man buying for a car and over time, as the car breaks down would still refuse to have the car checked by the mechanic.
C. Look for someone that you LIKE. You cannot submit/respect to someone you don’t like. It is never a good thing to say, “I don’t like him/her but I know over time of the marriage, I can change him/her to fit me.” (From Peacefulwife – you CAN submit to someone you don’t like, and you can decide to respect him, but – it is wise to marry a godly man you can respect who you do like!)
Frozen video: shows 3 things, that marriage is not for them
1. “We finish each other’s sentences!” : life is not about this!
2. “Who thinks so much like me” : thinking the same can be helpful but not always, since who you will balance you if you have the same thoughts about everything
3. Proposing marriage the time they only met.
You should NOT change the person. Personality never changes, yes, the Holy Spirit can bring DEPTH to a person but personality remains the same. A person who likes being at home, stays that way, a person who likes to travel, always will find a way to travel..etc..:)
D. Look for someone who really wants to know you and you also like knowing him, not to impress you only.
Spending time does not equate to being purposive with the time. This is not a time for always telling jokes, but a time for meaningful conversations since future life is not always about laughing. Know each other deeper.
If you are repulsed by your boyfriend/girlfriend now, then you will be more repulsed by him or her after the marriage. It is better to be repulsed now than later.
E. Look for someone who is not selfish. Look on not how he/she is tolerant of you but of others. How he/she deals with other people in times of crises. We all have a certain amount of selfishness and pride but over time, this should lessen.
Remember that there is person who is: A beautiful selfish person, a responsible selfish person, a financially secure selfish person, so on and so forth…
4. Don’t consider marriage to that person until you are no longer captivated to that person. Through time, we change physically and everything else changes, and there is no person here on earth that can make you captivated all the time in your life.
5. Ask his or her concept and expectation of marriage.
**There are many styles of marriage, 3 examples:
1. The good fit = a pastor would like to find a spouse who can help him in his ministry, a business man, a prince..
2. The romantic idealist = mostly women, I like him since he always sends me flowers, surprises me with sweet notes!
3. Family first = would like to talk about sharing household chores, who changes the diapers etc…
Ex. Engagement interview of Prince Charles and Princess Diana
Interviewer: I suppose in love?
Prin. Diana : Of course!! (Romantic idealist)
Prince Charles: Whatever in love means…(Good fit, pressured to have a wife and have an heir to the throne)
Pastor’s wife: Dear, please help me with these chores and will you change the baby’s diapers.. (Family first)
Pastor (replies righteously): Can we do it later, I still have to pray… (the Good fit)
Lesson: There would always be a conflict if you have different expectations on marriage.
We are reminded to 3 things as a woman too:
The day you will be married, your Community will surround over your husband and you need to have the Calling that will come from your Creator and serve Him by both of you.
We ended with this short video, for in the end, when life becomes burdensome, it is easy to look on the externals, having a better house, a new car, more money, but in the end…life is much more important and the relationships we have!
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