This is an email I received from a wife who is 3 weeks into learning to respect and submit to her husband out of reverence for Christ. It has been quite a battle for her. I am SO thankful she agreed to let me share this email with you. PLEASE listen so that you don’t make the same mistakes, precious sisters in Christ!FROM A WIFE:I am finding that I am dealing with a lot of regrets right now…. since learning there is a better way to have a relationship. I am just kicking myself that I wasted so much time. And my eyes have been opened to the fact that I totally handled our whole dating period wrong!
- I started out with Steve (not his real name) aggressively from the very beginning.
- The first time he kissed me…. I rushed him into doing it….
- the first time that I love you was said…. you guessed it, it was me….
- even getting engaged was handled by my in-charge personality…. I have always wondered why Steve didn’t propose to me in a more traditional sense…. well, I would not let him! He took me to look at rings and I showed him what I wanted, he paid for it and that was about it. Why would he have thought I wanted anything else when I had handled our whole relationship in a very pushy manner?I realize that I can’t go back but this makes me sad… It makes me feel like I actually ‘stole’ some very precious moments from myself…. and that was just before we married… who knows how many sweet moments I have missed out on since we were married?A worse regret still is the fact that we have not modeled marriage correctly in front of our children. It could have been a lot worse- probably the worst they ever witnessed was Steve raising his voice at me, me raising my voice at him and crying but still…I feel terrible about that! I always did my best to keep our disagreements hidden from our children but there were times that I know they weren’t hidden. Our children more than likely have a very different picture of marriage than they should have.… and our son is 16 and our daughter is 11. I just wish I would have known how to do marriage God’s way sooner so that we could have gave them a different picture to have in their minds….From PEACEFULWIFE:This is exactly why I write Peaceful Single Girl! I do NOT want those of you who are still single to have these kinds of regrets. I pray that you might learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before you and who did things our culture’s way and then realized too late what a steep price there was to pay for it. The generations before mine DROPPED THE BALL in some really destructive ways and handed my generation a mess. I pray that God might use my generation to put the pieces of the puzzle back together and hand you His beautiful wisdom and His glorious design for you as a godly woman.LET HIM LEADThis is why I advocate FIERCELY for you to allow the guy to lead in the relationship. You may slow things down. But please, please, please do not push a man or rush him! (Be sure you have a GODLY man who loves Jesus way more than he loves you.)
- SAVOR each step of the journey.
- Let him initiate the relationship.
- Let him ask you out.
- Let him call you first.
- Let him say, “I love you” first.
- Let him decide when you are “officially dating” or courting.
- Let him decide when to propose without ANY pressure from you.
THAT is how you achieve romance, ladies – by HIM being in control, not you!When you are in control – there will not be intimacy and romance. It just doesn’t work that way. How can he surprise you with something romantic if you are dictating the itinerary every time you are together, and you are deciding where to go and how much to spend and insisting on paying half and demanding that he do what you want?When you trust God to lead you to a man in His time and you put Christ first in your life – you can hold yourself back and be patient and wait without having to try to force your way.I KNOW. Waiting is HARD. But the alternative is for you to try to force yourself on a guy. That will not work! It doesn’t work well before marriage, and it is a DISASTER after marriage if you try to run the show. Being in control and disrespecting your man go together. Men need respect as much as women need love.God designed this whole romance and marriage thing. His wisdom is REALLY critical here. Read Ephesians 5:22-33 when you get a chance. It is the BEST foundation for a strong, godly relationship.BE HARD TO GET, NOT “EASY”The world says have sex as soon as possible to “bond” a man to you. That is NOT how men work biologically, emotionally or spiritually. Having sex too soon is a recipe for disaster and a completely torn up soul, heart and body. Men bond gradually over time. And men value things (and women) they have to earn and work for. If you are too “easy” to get – men will see you as worthless and cheap. NOT what we want, ladies!Holding yourself back (not giving of yourself sexually until marriage, dressing modestly, being sure you are not alone with your guy in a tempting situation), having moral standards that line up with God’s Word, only being available sometimes and having a full life outside of any guy you are dating – THESE kinds of things make you seem more valuable to men. These behaviors show that you respect God, that you respect yourself, that you respect your sexuality and virginity and purity. A godly woman creates a deep desire in a man for him to protect her – even from himself.Having accountability – godly parents or a godly mentor to be sure you are not giving in to temptation with guys is REALLY IMPORTANT!Make sure YOU love Christ more than you want any man or anything else in life. That is where abundant life is! If you put other things ahead of God, they are idols – and they will destroy you.MY DESIRE FOR YOU – MY SISTERS IN CHRISTI want you to have as much romance, adventure, excitement, butterflies, joy and peace as possible! Question the world and its’ ways. Question the values and norms of our culture about women, working, career, motherhood, being a wife, femininity, faith in Christ – EVERYTHING. Do things God’s way as much as you can, and you will live a life without regrets and full of the riches of heaven – joy, peace, faith, contentment, hope, love and you will bring great glory to God!