Proverbs has several verses about how horrible it is to live with a contentious wife. It is like torture, it is better to live on the corner of the roof, it is better to live in the desert, restraining her is like restraining the wind. A contentious woman appears to have no external cure according to Proverbs.
A woman who is contentious and argumentative:
- believes she is “always right.”
- believes she “knows better” than other people, maybe even better than God! I would never have said that or thought it consciously, but that is where I lived every day for 15+ years of marriage.
- has to have the last word.
- cannot just let an issue rest, must try to make other people change their minds.
- believes she has the weight and responsibility of herself, those around her and maybe the whole world on her shoulders.
- is often stressed out and overwhelmed from trying to be responsible for way more than God ever actually assigned to her.
- has very little grace, mercy or forgiveness – for others, but probably also for herself. She probably treats herself very harshly too. I would say, based on my own personal experience, that she treats herself WORSE than she treats other people.
- doesn’t know any other way to be.
- thinks there is power in arguing and that she can get her way by force.
- doesn’t know the power in gentleness.
- doesn’t experience God’s peace.
- has a noisy, clamoring, restless spirit – does not know how to be still and wait on God and her man.
- is willing to lose out in relationships to win a single battle or many battles, maybe even every battle.
- believes her man is the enemy.
- has her focus off of the greatness and sovereignty of God and may be proclaiming herself to be sovereign and in charge instead of God. I did! That is idolatry – and it is a VERY serious sin.
- doesn’t see her own mountains of pride.
- may have a critical spirit toward herself and others.
- may have a HARD time forgiving others and herself.
- doesn’t know what godly femininity is, how to acheive it or where her power is as a woman.
- is full of bitterness, anger, un-forgiveness, strongholds of Satan, resentment and sin.
- needs the love, mercy and grace of Jesus on a deep heart level!
- can be miraculously changed by the Word and Spirit of God! I THANK AND PRAISE HIM EVERY DAY THAT HE BROUGHT ME OUT OF THIS AWFUL, STRESSFUL, LONELY, DEPRESSING, ANXIETY-FILLED WAY OF LIFE!!!!!!!
ARGUING IS COMPLETELY UNECESSARY AND UNFEMININE!
There are MUCH more powerful ways for a godly woman to get her feelings, message and desires across to her man and to other people than by raising her voice, shooting verbal bullets, trying to inflict as much damage as possible to the other person and acting like enemies!
YOUR OPINION IS IMPORTANT!
My opinion, feelings and thoughts are extremely vital to my man. My perspective is precious and unique and should be expressed and explored. Even if I disagree with him – my thoughts and feelings are important. My emotions act as a compass for him many times, helping him decide if he is doing a good job or not in the relationship. When I am in spiritual/emotional/physical pain, my husband wants to make things better and will do anything to see me smile again. A man who feels greatly respected reacts by wanting to serve the woman he loves and wanting to help her when she is sad, hurt, afraid or upset.
My joy tells my guy he is succeeding, my anger/disappointment tells him he is failing in his relationship with me. Men like to feel like winners! They stay where they feel wanted, admired and heroic. Men HATE to lose. They will find other places to be if the relationship is all about the girl being upset with them!
THE POWER OF GODLY, PEACEFUL, RESPECTFUL FEMININITY
There are ways for me to say things in a calm, respectful, gentle tone of voice – maybe even a whisper – that get me HEARD. Yelling, name calling, character assassination, dredging up years of past failures and faults, criticizing, blaming, demanding, scolding, manipulating, following him from room to room or forcing myself on him GETS MY MAN TO TUNE ME OUT. He will rightly not respect me when I approach him with disrespect – and he won’t care about my hurt feelings if I am treating him with contempt!
If I want to be a person who can influence my man, I must approach him with great respect, gentleness and a peaceful, still, calm spirit that does not give way to fear (I Peter 3:1-2). I need to be full of God’s Spirit to do this!
- I use a quiet, gentle, peaceful tone of voice.
- I use pleasant facial expressions.
- I tell him my pure feelings and desires (“The Surrendered Wife” and “The Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle). I say things like: I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel happy. I feel afraid. And I say things like: I want this, I don’t want that.
- I just leave my feelings and desires with my man and allow him some time to think and process what I said. Sometimes it takes a guy hours or days to think about things. I don’t need to repeat myself. If he heard me – he is thinking about what I said,
- I wait patiently.
- If my man is behaving badly toward me – I say I don’t like the behavior calmly and then if he doesn’t immediately change I give him A LOT OF TIME AND SPACE until he does change and repent. Bob Grant says, “Words are for women. Men respond to pain and distance.”
THIS is how a woman influences her man in a godly way! Arguing is “beneath us” as Bob Grant says. This is how we are beautiful in God’s sight and in the sight of our men!