It’s not necessarily wrong to want to find out information from your boyfriend or fiancé. But the way you approach him makes a big difference!
Guys love relationships with girls who are friendly, fun, peaceful, and pleasant. They want to be a hero and a good guy in the story of your relationship.
The problem with asking why
Instead of “why” questions, think about rewording things so that you don’t come across as questioning his motives and intentions. Sometimes asking “why,” implies you think he’s stupid.
- Why did you take that road?
- Why did you do that?
- Why didn’t you think of this?
- Why do you talk to your friends so much?
- Why don’t you come to see me more often?
The worst part is, asking a bunch of “why” questions can deflate his romantic spirit toward you. Behind a lot of “whys” is an assumption. Often an assumption of wrong motives on his part.
- Why did you get me ice cream?
- You want me to get fat, don’t you?
- Why didn’t you take me out to eat tonight?
- You don’t love me, do you?
- Why did you take that road?
- When obviously, this one I thought of is better. You aren’t a very good driver.
- Why do you work so late?
- It’s because you don’t want to be with me, isn’t it?
When we approach our men with wrong assumptions, we can really throw a whole truckload of unnecessary drama into the relationship.
Assuming he doesn’t love you without any evidence is not fair to him. It’s demeaning. And sometimes when we continually throw unjustified accusations at our men, understandably, they eventually decide they aren’t very interested.
If you believe you really do need more information, approach your guy respectfully
There are times it is important to ask about things if you don’t understand or you think you may not agree with something.
- Hmm… I think I’m confused. Would you mind sharing some of your thoughts on this?
- That was surprising! I’d love to hear more about your perspective on this issue.
- I would really like to understand this situation better. I think it would help me if I could know a bit more about your thought processes.
- Your perspective is really different from mine. I’d like to try to get a better understanding of your viewpoint.
Sometimes questions are not helpful or necessary
Other times, we may not need to ask anything at all. Especially if it is something that isn’t really your business like:
- Why he chose a certain road rather than another one.
- Why he ate what he did for breakfast.
- Why he didn’t shave that day.
- Why he brushes his teeth in the morning before eating.
If we ask about every little thing, it can feel like an uncomfortable interrogation from a guy’s perspective. Feeling like he is being questioned constantly doesn’t make him want to share his heart and deepest thoughts. It tells him there is a red flag.
It makes him feel like it is an irritated mother/naughty little son relationship. That feels icky. Not romantic.
Real vulnerability and emotional connection in the relationship is a lot harder when our men feel like we are mothering them or constantly questioning their motives and decisions. We may love them, but we feel very prickly in those moments and our approach repels our men.
When you have a good guy, treat him like one
I personally had to learn to take a few big steps back and give my husband more space and room to breathe and make his own decisions. Turns out, his motives are usually good. He just has a very different way of thinking than I do.
For me, it works a whole lot better when I give my man the benefit of the doubt. I found I don’t really need to question him on about 80-90% of the things I used to.
And if I do need to ask questions, I have found that a friendly approach and a desire to understand him and his thought process works a lot better than a critical spirit on my part.
NOTE: Most adults and even teens do better when they don’t feel interrogated in a relationship, including women, too.
Much love!
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Have you learned more productive ways to ask your guy questions that you think may be a blessing to the other ladies? You’re welcome to share!
PS
If you have a guy who clearly has evil motives and who is trying to hurt or abuse you, that is a totally different situation. In the case where he is cheating, abusing you, constantly lying, hiding a lot of important things, or has uncontrolled mental health issues—please reach out for experienced help in your area.
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