My precious sisters in Christ,

MANY, MANY of you are dating or engaged to men who are unbelievers.  I know that you love your man.  I know you want to see him come to Christ.  Maybe he is even promising you that he will consider Christ “later” or that he will go to church with you and maybe you think that will be enough to prove that he is interested in God. Maybe you are convinced that you can change him.

  • A man going to church with you does NOT equal – a man is a Christian.
  • A man saying, “I’m a Christian” does NOT necessarily mean that he is a Christian.
  • A man saying, “I’ll do that later” is not a man who is serious about Christ.
  • A man who says, “I’ll ‘convert’ so I can be with you” is not a man who is seeking Christ first.
  • You do not have the power to change anyone.  Only God can do that. Please do not believe that you can change a man.  You cannot!

I cannot begin to tell you the heartbreak that Christian women experience when they marry men who are not believers.  I see it every day on www.peacefulwife.com.  It is a VERY PAINFUL thing for a believing woman to marry a man who does not submit himself to Christ or to His Word and then to try to honor his leadership and raise children together with him. Keep in mind that no matter whom you marry, God commands that you respect him and biblically submit yourself to his leadership once you are married to him. Be sure you choose a man you can truly respect and trust!

God’s will is for believers in Christ to marry other believers. That is what His Word clearly says. (I Corinthians 7)

If you are with a man who does not live for Christ and desire to obey God’s Word on his own without any prodding from you, if you are with an ungodly man who doesn’t seek to please God – that is not ok .

If you are with a guy who says he is a Christian but you are not sure about the depth of his commitment to Christ, let’s talk about it together.  There are people who claim Christ but don’t live in obedience to Him.

Jesus said, “Anyone who loves Me will obey Me… if anyone does not obey Me, he does not love Me.” John 14:22,24

  • First, be sure YOU are living in total submission to Christ and putting Him first in your life and that your motives in life are to please, honor and obey God and to bless/love other people.  All the other motives have to go.

YES, it is difficult to find genuine believers many times.  But please do not stay with an unbeliever.  It is infinitely better to be alone and close to God than to be married to an unbeliever who will try to drag you away from Christ.

Do not expect a man to change for the better after you get married.  Be sure you can accept him and respect him right now as he is.

The greatest joy comes when we walk in obedience to Christ and His Word and are full of His Spirit.  I want God’s will for your life!  I don’t want you to regret the choices that you have made.

  • Only date men who live out their faith in Christ and exhibit godly fruit in their lives (Galatians 5:22-23, I Corinthians 13:4-8).
  • Focus on becoming a godly woman and ask God to make your life full of His fruit. Be sure YOU are walking in obedience to Christ and His Word and that your primary focus in life is to seek God’s will and His glory, no matter what that may mean for you.
  • If you are dating an unbeliever or a man who says he is a believer but clearly does not live for Christ and has no qualms about having sin in his life and no remorse for ungodly behavior – it is time to break up with that guy and set your eyes fully on Christ. (If you don’t know if he is a real believer or not, talk to a godly father or brother or mentoring wife or let’s talk about it here.)
  • If you break up with him and he suddenly wants to change and start reading his Bible or going to church. Awesome.  But – don’t buy it – not immediately.  Don’t get back with him until you see REAL evidence of God working in his life for a significant period of time – that is my suggestion, at least, for whatever that is worth.
  • Don’t casually date unbelievers while you wait for a godly man to come along.  That is extremely unwise!

An unbeliever will not have the power of God in his life to love you.  He will be controlled by the sinful nature. He will not submit himself to God’s authority, realizing that he answers to God for how he leads you and loves you and treats you and your children. He may even get upset when you try to raise your children to know and love God. He may not see any problem with using porn or going to strip clubs or having an affair. Why would he care if he sins if He isn’t living for God?

ALL women desire a Christlike husband once they are married. But the only way to have a Christlike husband is to have a man who is full of God’s Spirit and who is living for Christ.  Choose WISELY and CAREFULLY, my sisters!  I am not saying a godly man will be perfect. He won’t be. But he will be:

  • humble, able to apologize when he sins
  • seeking to obey Christ in all things
  • more interested in your soul than in your body
  • concerned about the things of God
  • generally ethical and moral
  • kind
  • gentle – not given to violence against you
  • patient (a man with an uncontrollable temper is going to be VERY, VERY difficult to live with)
  • seeking God’s wisdom above his own
  • seeking God’s will more than his own will

Being with a godly guy does not mean he will do everything you want him to do – or that you will always “feel loved” or that you will always agree with him.  It doesn’t even necessarily mean that he will pray with you a lot. It doesn’t mean he won’t battle with temptations of lust. Sometimes we have expectations of men to be “godly leaders” that are unrealistic.

Remember God’s design for marriage is that the husband is to represent Christ and the wife is to represent the church. That is how things work best. An ungodly man makes his wife’s assignment to respect him and biblically submit to his leadership EXTREMELY painful and difficult.

PLEASE, PLEASE – seek God’s will and His wisdom and seek to honor Him in every aspect of how you live.  You will never regret obeying God.

Focus on becoming the woman God desires you to be, submitting yourself fully to Christ, making Him your first concern and priority. Seek to please Him and obey Him with your life.  Seek to bring glory to His Name no matter what the personal cost to yourself!



From a wife who DID marry an unbeliever, “My Secret Idol”

Understand that God does not give you the option to divorce your husband for being an unbeliever (I Corinthians 7) – here is what God requires of a believing wife with an unbelieving husband http://wp.me/p28uul-YC

If you marry an unbeliever, here is another post about your responsibilities to show the overwhelming love, mercy and grace of Christ even if that person never accepts Christ

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