By my precious sister in Christ, Vinodhini – thank you so much for sharing your story!
I’ve been on this blog (www.peacefulwife.com) since January, and I’ve found PEACE which had been missing in my life for a long time. April with her RIGHT questions helped me get back to a right relationship with Christ which in-turn helped me make the right amendments in not just my relationship with my husband but also with others around me. I’ve been married for four years to a person I loved for more than seven long years, we have a three year old daughter and I will turn 27 this year.
I’m the first born of two daughters to a financially struggling Indian couple; however my parents gave us the gift of education and introduced us to the Bible and a protestant church – the BEST thing parents could afford for us! My childhood was not good, my mom comes from a very big educated Christian family and my dad comes from a rural atheist background. The combination conveniently made my mom the leader and my dad the follower; however this did not work well because it is against God’s sovereign plan for marriage.
- Even today, my parents are deep down brutally scarred – an unloved wife and a disrespected husband.
I fell in love at the age of 14 to a boy in my church who comes from a badly broken family – his father a busy musician (just like my husband) and his mom a worldly perfectionist who wanted to have her way in every area of life, she left the family before 15-20 years to lead a lonely life.
My journey of chasing shadows began from the time I fell in love. I was badly addicted to this person. You can call it infatuation, blind love, or the teenage problem; I forgot my first love JESUS. Before that I was quite a good kid you see 😉
My eyes would search for him in the church, I acted as if I prayed to see if he saw me, I would long to get a glimpse of him.. A fleeting shadow and worse, I kept praying God remove his thoughts from my mind hahah. 🙂 Another interesting thing is Satan is very clever to even turn the right things into wrong. When I was in my school, I had a dream that I would marry the boy and it was like a vision and I believe it definitely was God’s plan for me. But Satan turned Gods plan into my IDOL… In Indian culture, girls are not so much outgoing and dating is not a word used in our culture. So when I say I fell in love it means he was on my mind and only my mind and infact he never knew that I loved him so much!
I carried him in my heart, my mind and thoughts for years only and never knew his personally. After 5-6 years I actually got to interact with him for a Bible study which was organized by him. This is the period of time, I got really really addicted to him. However during one of our conversation he indirectly told me he was already in a relationship and I should not have any feelings apart from friendship!!! Well, that CRASHED into me and I spent a year crying unable to take rejection. It was during those time that the devil drilled in thoughts like I was not very pretty and he wanted a beautiful fair girl (Indians have a big problem with complexion). All of this, added to my wounded, abused childhood leaving me scarred with negative thoughts. The devil took control of me. For a year between 2007-2008 tears were my only company.
- However, in 2009 he proposed me and wanted to marry me and I was happy instantly.
The happiness didn’t last long, I had unrealistic expectations from him. The world, media, the culture portrays a lot about romance which I had believed… and I was always defeated, and the negativity started building up!
Our marriage went off very well, with acceptance from our parents and elders in the family. In three months of marriage, the accusing voices against my husband in my head were stronger and clearer…
- I chased his time, while I chose not to remember the times he spent with me.
- I chased his love, while I chose to not understand his love language
- I chased his mistakes and chose not to see the good in him
- I chased his past and chose not to live in my present
- I chased being wanted while I chose not to accept him as himself
- I chased being his priority and chose not to understand him
- I chased negativity and chose to forget the positives in my life
- I chased to control him and chose unknowingly to disrespect him
- I chased unhappiness and chose to hurt and wound him and make him feel less a man
- I even chased to wound him and chose unknowingly to hate him
- I chased regret and chose not to see God’s many blessings
- I chased MY UGLY SELFWILL and chose to let down God’s will!
I chased all the wrong things for the last four years!!
On the verge of all the negativity and bitterness and scars, I decided DIVORCE was the only solution. I threatened my husband with divorce time and again and finally one day he gave up. He said in Oct 2013, if all you need is DIVORCE go ahead!!!
- When I was threatening him to divorce, my sinful mind thought that he would fall to his knees asking me forgiveness and give all that I chased for!
I’m glad he didn’t do that, he showed me he was a man! He refused to give me what I was chasing after! Good because had he done that, I would have never found God, I would have been satisfied with shadows!! Since Oct 2013, I’ve been taking time to quiet my soul spend time in reading the Bible and prayer but not consistently and God showed me a way in JAN 2014! The answer to my search ended at PEACEFULWIFE BLOG!!! Then, I had a series of mails with April… Read a whole lot of stuff from the blog and:
I realized that all I need is CHRIST and nothing else!! HE is the bread of life, the living water and he alone can give me PEACE!!
Nothing has changed, my husband is still the same busy, unromantic, not interested in sex, deos not spend as much time as I would like to, my life is still the same! But I’ve learned to direct my thoughts, my boiling temper, and my frustrations and my hurts, my pain to God and not my husband!! I still get angry, frustrated but I now am able to hold myself in light of God’s word. I now understand, I can’t expect my husband to be PERFECT when I myself was full of PRIDE, SELFFISHNESS, SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS, GREED, ANGER, and MALICE and many more…
I’m the worst SINNER and I thank God that his GRACE saved me and in all my WEAKNESSES His GRACE is SUFFICEINT!!!
A few things in order which I did to shut down those voices…
1) Since Feb 2013 I was in the process of identifying my sins (Idolatry, pride, self righteous, identifying myself as the spiritual leader etc) Though I confessed them, though I started practicing to control my anger, my tone and the voices in my head I failed miserably and my husband was ready for separation.
2) My husband asked me to change myself before I destroy relationships. He CAUTIONED me. He told me clearly that I should change while I always felt HE should change.
3) I was not convinced about my need for change, but since he kept himself away from me I started missing him. That’s when I began to think how can I bring back life into marriage.
4) One day while doing a simple google search I found April’s blog in Jan 2014 and the post was something like number of things wives do to make their husbands go away. That struck the chord… I REALIZED I WAS doing just that…. I almost spent close to 20 hours in two days to read popular posts in this blog.
5) I wrote my story and the mess I was in to April and the QUESTIONS she asked me made the difference to me!!!!!
6) I had a clear understanding about my IDOLS, the IDOL was my HUSBAND AND MYSELF. I wanted things my way… keeping ME above everything else. I had to purge my thoughts and my actions. It was hard. It wasn’t easy but soon I felt lighter.
7) The most important question which made THE difference in my life was – WHAT IS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST???
Ahhh… this was my Ahhaaaa moment!!!… Where was Christ in my life, If I had Christ in His rightful place… If my relationship with him would be right… Everything will be right!
My eyes were now open to see my HUSBAND as my HEAD appointed by Christ. And I began to see him as a co-runner in this race of life. And I understood my role as his HELPER. I understood that he is weak, sinful and needs CHRIST. But I was doing everything wrong by CRIBBING, DISRESPECTING, SHOUTING, LISTENING TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD, SATISFYING MY DIRTY FLESH etc… And I was not being the HELPER God wants me to me. I started giving CHRIST the rightful place.
Everything is not ALRIGHT now.
- My husband still is the same… He does what he used to do before.. BUT I no longer REACT to his actions… I still hear the accusing voices against him in my head. But the moment I hear them, I say, “Jesus, can You see what’s happening? Did you see how my husband hurt me?? But I submit to You” And when I go to him I find PEACE!!!!
8) Now I know how SIGNIFICANT GOD is and how INSIGNIFICANT I am… I’m far from being perfect, my storms in life have not reduced, I have too many problems to handle.
I am WEAK, but HIS GRACE is truly SUFFICIENT in everything!!!!!