Confessions and Lessons of Year One
by Crystal A. Blount
Hello Newlyweds, Soon-to-Be’s, and Married Folk!
It’s truly a blessing and honor to be able to share my reflections with you in this blog. This blog was initially my idea of a way to join with my husband in a hobby that we might both take interest in. I’m more of the blogging type, and for reasons mentioned below…you’ve heard mainly from me. However, my husband Nick’s leadership and guidance has been an undercurrent throughout this process, and I am grateful to have his support as I express myself through the written word.
The Lord led me to a quiet place of soul-searching, and so I have not blogged in almost 2 months. The last two months have been life-changing, full of hard work, and yet very healing for me as I’ve begun to allow God to go deeper into my heart in my efforts to trust
Him fully. I can see promises of God being fulfilled now and in the future for my wonderful Husband and me as we approach our ONE-year Anniversary!
But before I can really get excited about our 25 year anniversary, or any others, I have to come clean about my struggles so you all can truly see my heart in this blog and be blessed by God. We bring our pain and sin to God, and he can make it something beautiful.
I have never fully trusted God, my Husband, or any man in my entire life.
This time of revelation, stillness, and correction has been fruitful, emotional, and trying. I’ve realized I have an issue with control. It was a defense mechanism I’d put in place to avoid becoming vulnerable to attack or betrayal when I had to escape the mental, emotional, and physical effects of abusive situations throughout my life and multiple instances of sexual assault and rape. I struggle with needing to feel in control, protecting myself by not letting people in close enough to hurt me, and avoid ever feeling powerless like I did in those past situations. I tend to manipulate others with my emotions to control the outcome of the relationship, not realizing that this actually pushes people away from me. It’s caused me to face a lot of feelings of guilt and even shame in how I’ve dealt with previous relationships, how all of this plays into my union and intimacy with my Husband, and to address the ways that I’ve hurt him by carrying this type of behavior into our marriage. I wanted my husband to rescue me from all the “bad men that hurt me”, but I never really gave him the chance to be who he is because my responses to his attempts at loving me were always guided by fear. This year has been challenging, but it has been incredibly fruitful for me as an individual, and helped to build a stronger foundation for our marriage.
I am grateful to God for dealing graciously, and mercifully with me on this issue, and for supplying my loving Husband with the patience
, courage, and wisdom to face these issues alongside me and remain steadfast in his determination to get what God has for us. My husband’s willingness to submit to God and put his foot down despite my controlling and manipulative behavior (.ie pouting, shouting, cursing, leaving, snooping, attitudes etc.) has closed the door on my idolatry of a Man to fill my voids and protect me, and pushed me right into the arms of Jesus. I’m so grateful that he is a Man of God, and I am so proud of him for having the courage and the integrity to stand up to me, for me, and with me…even when I haven’t believed in myself at all. I’m also learning to be a better listener to my husband, and in doing so, I have received a bountiful blessing of wisdom and direction through my husband. I believe more now than ever that God uses my husband to speak directly to me at times, and when I am willing to listen, I can receive great blessing in his love, encouragement, correction, and sharing.
The greatest lesson I’ve learned is that honesty, vulnerability, and trust are really about letting go of the wheel. It’s about putting yourself, your fears, your insecurities, your dreams, your hopes, in God’s hands. When we realize what we’re doing is not working or causing us to repeat cycles in life, we have to be willing to say to God, “search my heart”, and be brave enough to face the truth about ourselves. We deserve to live truly happy and fulfilled lives, not lives filled with fear, sadness, stress, and anger. However, nothing can change if we wont first look in the mirror and face our sin.
The fruits of the Holy Spirit such as joy, peace, love, self-control… will blossom and ripen in our lives when we can pull up the weeds of sin, face our wrongdoing and repent, forgive others, and let God into our hearts. Seek God and his truth, and it will set you free. I feel it happening in my spirit now, and I pray the same for all of you in all of his Richness and Glory that your lives may be filled with all the wonders of his joy and peace and love!
May God add a blessing to this confession and encourage a heart somewhere that growth, freedom, and a harvest lies beyond the toil and trial.
Amen, and thanks to all of you for your support and encouragement as we continue to be transparent about the love and lessons Our Heavenly Father shares with us as a married couple.
Warmly and Sincerely,
Crystal A. Blount