"Do I Use Men Instead of Loving Them in a Godly Way?"|Peaceful Single Girl

This is an email from the woman who wrote to me about the married man she became involved with a few weeks ago. It is a continuation of our conversation. I am so glad she is allowing me to share this with my other sisters in Christ. I believe there is much for many women to learn from this experience our sister had.

FROM MY SISTER IN CHRIST:

Thanks for your reply.

The anger has gone now from my heart towards that man, as I now realise – cringe – all the points where I could’ve stopped the whole thing and said no. I could’ve said no from the beginning – he gave me the opportunity.

He warned me what kind of man he was – he didn’t want me to be under any illusions about him.
He told me twice he was emotionally cold and unromantic.
He said it was just a bit of fun, and it would have to end if there was any attachment.

He laid it down fair and square. It wasn’t his fault, as my sister pointed out, if I went on to have romantic notions about him.

He did keep hinting that he was trying hard not to get attached… Saying, ‘I’m trying hard not to get attached,’ is NOT the same as saying, ‘I really cherish and value you.’

I realise I used him too, for my own ends. I even told him in a letter I wrote to him, ending it, that I used him too, so he knows that. I told him I only did it because I needed to feel wanted and as a distraction from thinking about another man I was hung up on. (I was very depressed over another man at work from last year).

I was just as selfish as he was, really. I wanted the romance thing, but I didn’t want HIM.
I would’ve freaked out if he’d fallen for me and wanted to leave his family. I’d have dumped him just like that.

It seems odd to want romance, but not the person you’re supposedly seeking it from! But this has been a pattern all my life. I crave things from men, like to be wanted and romanced, but I don’t see them really as PEOPLE, and I certainly don’t want them in my life, or to learn to love them as they are. I don’t even know if I’m truly capable of love. I want to love people, but I can’t.

After this email, I won’t mention the man again, as it’s time to move on. I just need to forgive him and myself now, and since I can see I was as much to blame, it should be easier. I thought I was ready to forgive, but I wasn’t.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Now my new friend is seeing her own sin, her idolatry (of romance), lust, rebellion against God’s Word, lack of love and owning it.

This sister of mine had a really difficult childhood. She didn’t have a dad at all growing up. I believe that she doesn’t know how to love or how to trust a man or how to not just “use” a man to try to feel loved, to feel wanted, to experience a romantic fantasy.

These are incredibly important topics. I believe that many of my readers may be struggling with similar issues.

I think there are a number of discussions we may need to have together, and we may individually need to have with God.

Am I capable of love? Do I know what God’s love is? Have I experienced God’s love, REAL love?
Is my perspective all about me? Or do I have compassion on others? Am I thinking about what God wants and what would honor God? Am I thinking about what is best for other people, including the men around me?
Is romantic love a game to me?
What have I learned about love, romance and marriage that is worldly and ungodly and destructive?
What am I missing about who God is and who I am?
Do I understand God’s love for people?
Do I have God’s love for people?
Have I really received Christ as my Savior and Lord?
What wisdom of God am I missing that I need to study and learn about?
Is romance an idol for me? If so, how do I tear that idol down? (Breaking the Romance Addiction)
Do I use men? Do I just want what I want from them – attention, sex, romance, a ring, a wedding, marriage, children – but not care about them as people? That is NOT ok!
Do I understand that men are people of value and great worth – they are image bearers of God. They are not objects to be used to get what I want?
Do I know what godly femininity is?
Do I know what godly masculinity is?
Do I know how to have a healthy relationship with a guy?
What scars and wounds do I need to heal from?

One thing I want to focus on today is – if a man tells you things about himself – negative things – PLEASE BELIEVE HIM.

Don’t think you can change him. Don’t think that he is just joking. He is probably being totally upfront with you. These are your warning signs to get away.

If a man says things like:

I don’t want commitment
I don’t want to get married
I don’t want to settle down
I am not romantic, I just want sex
I’m married, but let’s have a good time together
Don’t get attached to me
I just want to have a little fun with you, nothing serious
I’m not into God
I just go to church to pick up girls
I’ll hurt you/disappoint if you get too close to me (emotionally)
I’m a bad guy/I’m not a good guy
I always get my way with women

Believe him. In most cases, it would probably be wise to bow out of the relationship ASAP!

If a guy is saying good things, but is living another way – believe his actions over his words!

If a man is trying to get you sexually/physically involved with him in a casual way – don’t give an explanation. Just RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, GIRL! A little romance and tingly butterflies in your stomach is NOT worth the price here!

God’s design for sex is only in marriage. Indulging in sex in any other way is sin and it is destructive spiritually, emotionally and physically to us and to the men we are involved with.

ANOTHER THING I WANT TO FOCUS ON TODAY:

When there is a temptation, God always provides a way out from the temptation. Notice how this girl had opportunities to see the disaster that was coming and to get out. But she didn’t.

A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences. Proverbs 22:3 NLT

Be alert. Stay close to God. Be in His Word. Be humble before Him. Repent of all known sin as soon as you recognize it. Surrender yourself fully to Christ each day. Live for His will and His glory. Surround yourself with godly friends. Have a godly, wise mentoring woman in your life if possible! Have godly accountability partners. Seek your parents’ wisdom, especially if they are believers. But even if they aren’t believers, they can often see disaster coming and warn you about it.

Am I Responsible for My Own Sin?

David Platt’s “Biblical Manhood and Womanhood”

A follow up blog “Using VS. Loving”

A Peacefulwife Youtube Video – Using Men VS. Loving Men