Sometimes when we women are upset, we may feel so hurt that we think things like:

  • I want him to hurt as much as I hurt.
  • I want him to show that he is upset, too.
  • He doesn’t look as upset as I feel, so I am going to push him to be as angry as I am right now.
  • If he cared, he would be as upset as I am. I’m going to try to make him care as much as I do by blasting him.
  • I’m going to try to get him to physically hurt me.

Of course, this is a bad idea, ladies!

If you find yourself thinking things like this, wanting to hurt your man or wanting to purposely rile him up to upset him as much as possible. Stop. Ask for time to cool down. Get yourself on your face before God and examine your motives!

This kind of thinking that I described above is called, “malice.” defines malice as:

Malice – a desire to inflict injury, harm, or suffering on another, either because of a hostile impulse or out of deep-seated meanness.

Sin is progressive. First we take offense. Or we are hurt. Then we have righteous anger sometimes, and other times, our anger is unrighteous from the start. Righteous anger is where I have legitimately been sinned against or I am upset about sin against someone else. But righteous anger can quickly turn to unrighteous anger as I hold onto it for very long in my heart.

  • “Be angry, yet do not sin.” Do not let the sun set upon your anger, and do not give the devil a foothold. Eph. 4:26-27

As I continue on in unrighteous anger, it becomes un-forgiveness. Un-forgiveness ferments into bitterness and resentment. Bitterness and resentment continue to morph into greater sins including hatred and malice. When hatred and malice are left to grow unchecked, they lead to rage, violence, and ultimately, to murder.

As believers we are not to have un-forgiveness, bitterness, resentment, malice, rage, hatred, violence, or murder in our hearts or thoughts at all.

These things are all fruit of the sinful flesh and are completely against everything God stands for. Here are some verses to meditate upon, perhaps in your quiet time today. Invite God to help cleanse you of anything that is of the flesh and invite His Spirit to completely fill, control, and indwell you. He can empower you to walk in holiness and love so that you have victory over malice! What wonderful news!

  • At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. (Titus 3:3-7)
  • Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God….Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator…Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col. 3:1-14)
  • Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:29-32)


A bullfighter provokes a bull to try to get it to attack him. He attempts to make the bull angry in order to get him to charge at him.

It is very disrespectful for me to try to provoke someone else into anger, rage, or violence. If I do this, I am cooperating with Satan to try to tempt and entice someone into sin against God and against me. Not to mention, it is just plain foolish. Why would I try to convince someone to fly into a rage against me? It doesn’t make sense! defines “provoke” as:

  • to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.

It is unwise and un-Christlike to try to purposely provoke anyone. Unfortunately, about 11% of women on my other blog answered on a survey I did two years ago that they have tried to get their husbands to hit them at some point in the marriage. Sisters! This should not be! There is never a time when it is wise to taunt a man and to scream things like:

  • Come on! Hit me! Do it! If you are a real man, punch me in the face! I want to see you try it!
  • I want to see you get upset, too! I want you to hurt like I do! If you are any kind of man, you’d yell at me right now. You’d throw something in anger. What’s wrong with you?!?! Why are you just sitting there like that. Get up! Do something! Get angry!

A man should never punch a woman, even if she tries to provoke him. And a woman should never punch a man, even if he tries to provoke her. The only time I can think of when punching someone or hitting someone would be okay would be if someone was trying to defend himself/herself against an attack. But there is never a good reason to try to incite a man, or anyone, to violence against us. I hope that makes sense.

We are to be overflowing with the fruit of God’s Spirit – which includes peace, gentleness, patience, and self-control. If we are hurting, we can respectfully share our pain with our men. If we feel our men have failed us, we can certainly take our pain to God. He will help us to heal and give us the wisdom and discernment we need to deal with being sinned against if we are being wronged. We don’t get a free pass to sin just because we are hurting.

Let’s take responsibility for our own character and yield ourselves to God to be instruments of goodness and life rather than to yield our mouths to Satan to be instruments of destruction and death.

  • We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love each other. Anyone who does not love remains in death. Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him. (1 John 3:14-15)
  • We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 John 4:19-21)

Keep in mind, too, that men DO have feelings. Just because they don’t express them verbally or you can’t see that he is upset doesn’t mean that he isn’t hurting. He can hurt and not say anything and not look hurt sometimes. Things said in anger will only make things much worse. And just because he doesn’t act angry or lose control verbally doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It may mean he has self-control. That is a good thing!


How to Not Respond Negatively in the Moment

Dying to Self

Is Anger Ever Okay?

Instead of Reacting in Anger



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