The gentlemen are welcome to comment on this post in ways that will edify the ladies by helping us to better understand a masculine perspective on this issue. 🙂
This is a post I wrote for www.peacefulwife.com. in the summer of 2012.
I think that there is a lot here for the single women, too. Be sure you choose a man who loves Jesus more than anything else in the world and who is fully committed to Him as Lord. Be sure YOU are also fully committed to Christ and that you love Him more than anything else in this world! Be sure you can respect this man as he is right now even if he never changes before you commit to marriage.
Do NOT marry a man thinking you need to change him! If you think you need to change him – examine your motives and seek godly counsel, please!
Once you marry him, this is the perspective I believe you’ll need to have about him for the rest of your life.
I have the vision to see the hero deep inside of my husband – the man God desires him to be and created him to be – and how, by God’s power working in me (and in him) and my respect and cooperation, he can fully become that hero of a man.
Everyone else may just see a normal guy. But I know better!
I don’t know about you, but Lois Lane got on my nerves in the Superman movies with Christopher Reeve. It was hard for me to see exactly what he saw in her – of course, I was only 7 years old at the time. I had the biggest crush on Superman – and I really thought he deserved better. (
(I am going to use this character as an example for those who have seen these movies already. I am not endorsing the Superman movies as honoring to Christ. There is plenty of ungodliness in them. If you have already seen these films, the example of the characters may be helpful.)
But she can still illustrate my point nicely. Think about how differently Lois acted when she thought she was with “Clark.” She was exasperated. She was “above” him. She really didn’t want to be around him. She used the tone of voice of an angry teacher. She practically ignored him. She cut him down. She bossed him around. She clearly did NOT respect him AT ALL.
Of course, he was acting differently, too. He seemed insecure, lacking confidence, a bit socially awkward. But what if she had taken the time to really see deep into his soul and see who he really was? All those little annoying Clark habits would have suddenly disappeared!
Wasn’t that what he really longed for her to see – the hero he really was deep down inside?
When he was Superman, she looked at him so differently – with awe, respect, faith, trust and adoration. She spoke respectfully to him. She admired his ideas, his intelligence, his abilities, his powers. She accepted him. She didn’t belittle him, criticize him or condemn him. She looked up to him. She was honored just to be in his presence. She probably reverenced him – so aware of his power, strength, dignity and masculinity… and all of his super powers, of course. That faith, awe, respect and adoration drew him to her like a magnet.
You may think your husband needs to act like Superman and then you can treat him more like Superman. But that is backwards!
First, you begin to see the hero in your man, and then he will become more and more that hero. Then God’s vision for him (and for you) can become reality for both of you. He will likely rise to the level of faith you show in his masculinity, leadership and abilities.
Your most potent tools for good are your radiant smile, your trust, your gentleness, loyalty, your delight, your joy and your adoring eyes. When you communicate that you are on “his team” no matter what and that you stand behind him in total support of the man that he is – that is powerful stuff! A guy would do practically ANYTHING to get another “hit” like that from you. To most men, this kind of treatment from a woman is the greatest reward in the world! It’s what most men spend their whole lives searching for. And when they find it, they will CHERISH, LOVE and ADORE a woman who treats them like this! (Unless they have deep issues of their own.)
I MUST MUST MUST remember that I CAN’T change my man. God changes people. I can influence my husband. I can obey God. I can make it easier for my husband to come near to God and to me.
Changing my husband is NOT my role – that is God’s role alone.
A TWIST IN THE PLOT
I discovered that my tongue was made of kryptonite. So many words I said, so many attitudes I had were sucking the strength and life out of my hero. I was destroying my man with my negativity, disrespect, self-righteousness, pride and my exasperation with his “lack of leadership.” And without even knowing that I was doing anything wrong, my tongue was becoming lethal to my husband, sapping him of the very things I once respected most.
Thankfully, God was able to remove my evil tongue and replace it with one that could be life-giving to my man! He empowered me to use my words to build my man up, to show my faith in him, to show my admiration and respect.
A HERO MAKER
A wise, respectful, godly woman can see the incredible hero potential in a man and knows how to slowly, carefully, methodically draw the hero out of him. She does this with her husband, she does this with her sons and she can teach other women to do the same with their men. What an exciting, rewarding, incredibly critical job!
A godly wife will continue doing what she knows God wants her to do regardless of her husband’s response or lack of response. (There are extreme situations – drug/alcohol abuse, infidelity, physical abuse – where doing what is best for him may involve removing herself and their children for a time – please seek godly help ASAP if there are serious issues like this in your marriage!).
In the power of God’s Spirit, she is patient. She is untiring. She takes slow, thoughtful, careful, deliberate steps. Nothing – including her husband – can deter her or cause her to alter her course. She knows what her roles are, where her power is and exactly how to do her job. She does not need affirmation from her man. While affirmation from her husband would be great, she is seeking affirmation primarily from God. If there are setbacks, she abides in Christ and continues to have total faith in God and to stay on track, keeping the goal in her mind at all times. She has unshakable faith that her partnership with God can bring the inner hero of her man to the surface, revealing a godly, Christlike, generous, selfless, faithful, wise, kind, loving, wonderful hero of a husband – in God’s timing, by His power for His ultimate glory.
A HUSBAND’S COMMENTS (from the post on www.peacefulwife.com)
Powerfully true!! This can be taken a step further. It was Lois Lane who gave him the name Superman. It was the newspaper writings that influenced public opinion about Superman. In Superman Returns, Lois writes an article, “Why The World Doesn’t Need Superman.” A wife has the ability to influence public opinion about her husband.
I’m prayerfully waiting for my kryptonite to be removed.
Great article!! What kryptonite is to Superman, man bashing is to men. I share with you a good Bible verse about talking. “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Ephesians 4:29
A godly, wise woman understands masculinity, understands God’s heart for men and can see into the soul of her man. She can see the hurt and pain that make him react in anger or make him close himself off to the world – she knows the subtle signs that he is feeling disrespected. She sees the way he clenches his jaws if someone makes fun of him in front of others. She notices the way he backs away emotionally when he is lectured, criticized or insulted.
She can identify the disrespect that is his kryptonite and tenderly, carefully remove each splinter of it from their relationship. She knows his true identity and has a vision of his ultimate destiny! She builds him up.
She fuels and energizes him with her genuine respect and admiration. She knows that when she removes all of the kryptonite that weakens him, showers him with her feminine faith and trust, and allows him to lead – he will be free to rise up and fly! He’ll bring great glory to God and amaze the world for Christ!
One day, the wise wife will see the fruits of her labor. For some, they see it in a few months, others in a few years, for others it takes decades. Occasionally, she may not see the fruit of what she has done for God in her marriage until she enters the gates of heaven. But there is nothing more incredible than having a front row seat to watching God bring the hidden hero out of my husband and allowing Him to use me in part of the process.
How I pray that every wife will see the Superman in her husband and will take the time to learn how God allows wives to have unbelievable power in marriage to bring out the best in their husbands. Then she can have the blessing, privilege and joy of seeing her man soar on wings like eagles for the glory of God! And he will be happy to take her in his arms and allow her to enjoy the spectacular view with him!