When a man has confidence – it is appealing to us, as women. But we must be careful, ladies! Arrogance is a VERY different thing than godly confidence in Christ. We want to look for godly leaders in the men we choose to date/court/marry not men who are empowered by the flesh. Pride is the root of every other sin. And, as Andrew Murray says in his book, Humility, godly humility, is the root of every other virtue.
UNGODLY LEADERSHIP HAS AT LEAST SOME OF THESE CHARACTERISTICS:
- self is god and is on the throne in his life
- selfishness – “It’s all about me”
- demands his way
- never apologizes
- emotionally/verbally abusive
- sometimes ungodly leadership is passive and unplugged refusing to make decisions or take any responsibility
- tries to take personhood and free-will away from others
- disrespectful to others, especially others who aren’t “useful” to him
- calls people names
- lack of love and compassion
- doesn’t see with God’s eyes
- cherishes sin in his heart but justifies or is blind to his sin
- wants a woman to put him above God in her heart
- puts a woman, self, or other things above Christ in his own heart
- may be a bully
- pushes a woman to sin
- may be violent
- calls evil good and good evil
- involved in unrepentant addiction(s)
- takes the easy way even if it is morally or ethically questionable
- complains a lot
- seeks to get what he can from others
Keep in mind that a dominating ungodly guy may be charming, especially at first.
He may be good with words. But stand back. Watch his character. Watch his life. Don’t fall for charm that has no godly substance. That is not Christ-honoring leadership. Don’t date a man who doesn’t obviously know and love Christ. He may say he is a Christian. That might not mean anything. Anyone can claim to be a Christian but God commands believers only to marry someone who is “in the Lord.” (I Cor. 7) What is the fruit of his life?
We don’t change people. God changes people. Be sure you choose to date/marry a man who is already in the process of being transformed by Christ. Your love can influence a man, but a woman’s love doesn’t change a man.
NOTE – these things would be sinful for a woman in her relationships, too. Ask God to help you examine your own heart for these characteristics. Female domination and male domination are sinful distortions of godly femininity and godly masculinity. It is also a sinful distortion of femininity and masculinity when someone is a very passive doormat who gives up his/her personhood and contributes nothing to the relationship, expecting the other person to make 100% of the decisions and contributions.
GODLY LEADERSHIP HAS MANY OF THESE KINDS OF QUALITIES:
- seeks God’s will above his own will
- longs to obey God with all his heart
- It’s all about God
- seeks to avoid the sinful extremes of passivity and control
- grieves over his sin, hates sin and wants to get rid of it as soon as he sees it
- has control over his words and seldom blurts out insults or hurtful words
- respects God, himself, and others
- encourages a woman to honor Christ far above all else
- cares about the needs of others, not just self
- slow to anger
- knows how to express appropriate, righteous anger in God-honoring ways
- not violent
- healthy boundaries – knows what he is responsible for and what he is not responsible for in relationships
- willing to listen to other people’s ideas
- does not tolerate sin in his life and is willing to confront sin lovingly but firmly in others
- willing to admit wrong and repent of it
- seeks to see the good God may want to bring about in difficulties
- is not shaken by difficult circumstances
- desires to have the eyes, heart, and mind of Christ
- holds to solid doctrine, handles God’s Word correctly
- demonstrates the agape love of Christ to all others, even those who mistreat him
- wants to see all people come to Christ
- willing to make sacrifices to be a godly man
- desires God’s approval and pleasure far above all else
- not willing to be pushed around or controlled
- stands up for what is right
- does not compromise
- has integrity
- values chastity and virtue
- seeks to inspire and bless others
NOTE – these would be godly qualities in a woman, as well, that we all should be praying for God to develop in us.
A godly man may not have the charm that a worldly man may have. He may not have all the right words and he may not be like a romantic Hollywood movie. Charm is deceitful and looks are vain! (Prov. 31) Hollywood style romance is generally written by women. It is not the goal – and really – it is often very unrealistic and does not portray how godly men think accurately.
A godly man has depth of character and the power of the Holy Spirit. As you watch his life over time, you will see consistent Christlikeness and growth without any prompting from you. Remember that what a man does is more important than what he says about his walk with Christ.
Also, remember to give grace to your guy. He will not be perfect. He is still learning. So are you! The main thing is that both of you are seeking Christ wholeheartedly and that you both want to grow and put Jesus first.
Qualifications for Christian Leadership in the Church – 1 Timothy 3, these are also the kinds of qualities for Christian women to look for in their men, and we want to cultivate these qualities in our own lives, as well. (Additional reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, Galatians 5:18-25)