Guys Do Not Like "Drama"

Jun 27, 2013 | a guy's perspective, conflict, Dating/Courting, femininity, growing in Christ, hormones, marriage roles, masculinity, respect, submission

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  • What is “drama” to a man in a romantic relationship?
  • How do men respond to “drama” from their girlfriend/fiance/wife?
  • How can women avoid creating unnecessary drama?
HERE IS ONE CHRISTIAN SINGLE MAN’S TAKE ON THESE ISSUES:
WHAT IS DRAMA?
I don’t know what your operational definition of “drama” is, but I’ll go off of what I think you mean by that. 
“Drama” is the deliberate creation of conflict (often minor) in order to feel something. 
I’ve observed in women that most all of them get addicted on emotions and feelings and need to feel *something*.    So they generate conflicts in order to not be bored and have some relational challenge to overcome.  Or they generate conflicts out of insecurity in the relationship (her anxiousness or frustration) or to “test” their boyfriends/husbands.   One of the most interesting things I’ve heard from married couples is that the majority of the most heated arguments that they have is over the smallest (even inconsequential) things.  I’ve noticed this tendency often floats into the selection of guys by women, too.  They tend to select the “less boring” guys in order to generate conflict for themselves in trying to “change” a man, generate grief in finally having enough, and then repeat the cycle again.

“Drama” in a woman is really contentiousness by Scriptural definition.  Given what I’ve seen in Scripture and other places, “drama” seems to be a hard-wired part of the sin nature of a woman (Genesis 3:16).  From things I’ve read elsewhere, every woman comes with some degree of “drama” that will exist at some time or another for some reason or another. 

The extent of that drama depends on how submissive to the Spirit she happens to be.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE

I do believe that we as women rely heavily on our  feelings and emotions – sometimes much too heavily.  And we don’t always realize when our emotions are steering us wrong. (Check out these posts on PMS part 1 and part 2).  I don’t know that women purposely or consciously try to generate conflicts to alleviate boredom.  I suppose it is possible.  I think it may be more out of attempting to have some kind of emotional connection, or because we are feeling unloved, neglected or ignored.  I believe the idea that we generate conflict out of insecurity in the relationship or in ourselves is probably often true.  This is partly why it is SO important that we find our security, our identity, our acceptance, our being loved, our purpose and our strength in Christ alone!  Then we can be unshaken no matter what our man is doing or not doing.  

I also believe that there are some women who have never experienced a relationship without lots of conflict, so they may feel uncomfortable if things are too “peaceful/quiet” just because they are used to conflict.  So, subconsciously, I believe it is possible for women to create conflict because getting negative attention may seem better than no attention, or because they can’t accept that things could truly be peaceful in a romantic relationship – “something must be going on that she is not aware of” – it can’t be “this easy.”

I agree that drama is hardwired into our sin nature and flesh as women – particularly with our cyclical hormonal issues, like PMS.  That definitely makes things MUCH worse at certain times – for us and our men.  Unfortunately, the men we love the most become our prime targets when we are irrational and emotional.

I also agree that it is part of our sin nature to want to have control ourselves.  When God’s design is for the man to be the leader – it is certainly drama when we try to take charge ourselves.  I have heard it said, “The only thing worse than a man you can’t control – is a man you CAN control.”  Women think we want control.  But if we had it, we would despise our men.  If we are in control, we can’t respect our men.  We must choose between control and intimacy as women.  We can’t have both! (Laura Doyla, The Surrendered Wife – not necessarily a Christian perspective, weigh any human author’s words carefully against scripture!)

And YES!  When God’s Spirit is in control instead of our sinful nature,  flesh and hormones – He can give us victory and we can have a gentle, peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear.  THIS IS THE KEY!!!

DRAMA IS A LACK OF RESPECT

Ultimately, “drama” is simply a lack of respect, a literal challenging of the authority of the guy involved (as husband, but also his own self-respect). 

This makes it important for him to be able to be centered on following Christ and being centered in himself and not placating the woman involved. 

“Drama” is in fact a test placed against him.  In responding to “drama”, which is usually in the form of a request she makes, he needs to be able to determine whether the woman is acting calm and rationally or emotionally and irrationally in making her request and then respond accordingly while keeping his proper godly leadership frame (i.e. in a proper Biblical marriage, the husband does not submit to the wife, but can grant reasonable requests out of grace).  He determines if her request is reasonable and if her request is made in a reasonable way and if both are the case, he can grant it.  Otherwise he does not. 

He is the head, and should act like it – seeing the difference between “drama” and reality is perhaps the most important skill a man can have in dealing with a woman.  He should also realize that “drama” begets “drama” and should give it no place.  This helps her out as well since it makes a woman feel *more* insecure when the guy doesn’t “stand up” to her test.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE
I agree – being contentious and challenging a man’s authority in the relationship and being disrespectful all fit in my definition of “drama” in a relationship.  I also agree that women do test men.  We test their love.   To us, a man’s love seems like something that could be easily lost.  We want lots of reassurance.  Most men don’t understand that – so we come across as needy and insecure when we do that.  We don’t understand how stable a godly man’s love really is.  If we did, we wouldn’t have to constantly want to see and hear proof.   We also test their leadership.  We test their authority.  We want to know that they know what to do and how to lead.  We want to know we are safe.  If a man doesn’t seem to know what to do, then we will feel totally justified, many times, in trying to take over ourselves.  Big mistake.  
I completely agree that as a wife, I feel MUCH more secure when my husband gently and firmly sets limits and boundaries – especially when my emotions are irrational.  I NEED his leadership.  I need him to make wise decisions.  Yes my feelings are important, and I want him to take them into consideration.  But then I trust him to do what is right before God – even if I do not agree at the time.  

It is the BIGGEST weight off of my shoulders and relief to know that my husband is primarily seeking to please and honor and obey Christ – NOT ME.

I believe that when a man does not allow his girlfriend/wife to disrespect him – and gently, but firmly says something like, “I care about your feelings.  But please do not speak to me like that.  I’m glad to listen.  But there is not going to be any yelling” – it is a relief to her.  He doesn’t have to be hateful.  He doesn’t have to raise his voice.  But seeing that he knows what to do and how to handle her stormy emotions and just walk right to the center of the storm, embrace her, sit down with her, hold her hand and say, “Peace.  Be still.”  “That’s enough, Babe.  I hear you.  I hear your emotions and the pain you are feeling right now.  Everything is going to be ok.  Let me pray with you.  You are going to feel better soon.  I’m right here.  We’re ok.  I’m not going anywhere.  I love you.”  It is something that we as women need in our men!  We respect that kind of godly leadership.  Then we can find refuge on the solid ground – our guys can be a safe haven when our emotions are a raging storm.  Men have SO MUCH POWER to calm that storm.  Many of them just don’t realize it!
MEN WANT PEACE
It could be said that “drama” is the biggest cause of breakups and divorces.  Men very much like peace in their lives, and if they keep proper godly leadership frame, they will drop women that create a whole lot of “drama” /entitlement in their lives if they are not married to them.  Men with a proper (perspective) will see a woman that is “high drama” is one who is not emotionally mature , one who is ruled by her emotions.  If married, a man will literally will fear and dread having to deal with his wife and ignore her in order to avoid the “drama”.  A woman who is “high drama”, even in the face of a man who has forfeited his leadership position in the relationship should keep this in mind:
The fear [or respect] of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul.  It is an honour for a man to cease from strife: but every fool will be meddling. (Proverbs 20:2-3)
Even the most docile lion will turn and maul something that pokes, prods, and taunts it enough.
A PEACEFUL WOMAN
As you write: “a peaceful and quiet spirit that does not give way to fear”.  She should trust in the Lord and lean not on her own understanding.   She should learn to recognize her tendency to create rough waters in her relationships by generating artificial (or unnecessary) conflicts.  While this could be applied to all manner of relationships, you’ve written a good amount of material on what it means to be a wife who submits to her husband as to the Lord.  That is really the material issue at hand.

A foolish woman is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing. (Proverbs 9:13)

As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion. (Proverbs 11:22)

It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. (Proverbs 21:9)

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. (Proverbs 21:19)

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. (Proverbs 25:24)

A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike. Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his right hand, which bewrayeth itself. (Proverbs 27:15-16)

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