There are a few very important issues I want to address, ladies.
I am seeing SO MANY broken marriages over on www.peacefulwife.com that are hurting because of very serious scars that developed way before the couple ever met or said, “I do.”
YOUR HISTORY AND HIS HISTORY MATTER!
History is not everything – thankfully! God is certainly more important and His work is more important than someone’s past.
But, please understand – your history – your sexual history, your history of any abuse, your history of addictions, your parents’ marriage(s)/relationships and your past sexual/romantic relationships all contribute GREATLY to your future marriage.
And, your future husband’s sexual history, history of any abuse, of addictions, his parents’ marriage(s)/relationships and his past sexual/romantic relationships all also contribute GREATLY to your future marriage.
It is God’s will for children to grow up with loving, respectful, godly parents who follow His design for submitting to Christ, worshipping and loving Him with all their hearts, souls, minds and strength and for them to teach their children by example and by their words and actions what it means to be a godly man or a godly woman and what godly marriage is supposed to be about.
It is God’s will for children to be loved, well-cared for, safe, innocent, protected, cherished, disciplined and taught the wisdom of God’s Word from the time they are small.
It is God’s will for people to save sex for marriage.
GOD CAN HEAL, RIGHT?
Of course! Yes, God can heal people. THANK YOU, GOD, that you are able to heal the broken and wounded and bind their wounds and make them new.
BUT WE – YOU AND I – CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE.
We can influence people. We can pray for them.
The thing I want you to understand, my precious sister in Christ, is that
YOU cannot change anyone.
God changes people.
God heals people.
If you get involved with a guy who has a history of being sexually abused by men as a child, or whose parents had a violent or ungodly marriage, or a history of many sexual partners and/or bi-sexual relationships in his youth – you cannot heal him from that.
Being with you doesn’t “fix” him. Your love doesn’t make all of those incredibly deep wounds disappear.
A man with a history like that is going to bring severe dysfunction into the marriage bed and into the rest of the marriage unless and until God heals him. God may heal him. It may take many years. Or, this man may not be healed. There are no guarantees about that. It is important to work through these issues with a very godly mentor or experienced godly counselor BEFORE marriage.
A woman with a history of parents with a very ungodly marriage, or being sexually abused, or being bi-sexual or being promiscuous is going to bring severe dysfunction into the marriage bed and into the marriage.
- Being married does not magically fix all of the scars and wounds and baggage from earlier in your life.
- Being married exposes the degree of woundedness and sinfulness in your heart. It gives God the chance to purify and refine you and make you more like Christ if you can look at it that way. But go into marriage understanding that you are going to have severe challenges because of your past. You will need God’s wisdom and His design and His Spirit even more than ever.
Can God heal?
But we don’t get to decide when God heals or if He does. If you are considering entering a marriage covenant “till death do us part” with a man who was severely mistreated as a child, sexually abused and has a history of sexual promiscuity, major pornography addiction, compulsive masturbation, bi-sexuality, homo-sexuality – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE slow down!
Slow down and receive wise and godly counsel.
People do not heal just because they get married. Marriage doesn’t automatically “fix” people. In fact, marriage arguably exposes our sin more than any other relationship.
You cannot meet your husband’s deepest needs. God can. Your husband cannot be God to you – don’t allow anyone to become more important than Jesus in your heart and life!
- If you marry a man who is this broken and scarred – expect that there may be great difficulty in the area of sexual intimacy in your future marriage. Be sure you are prepared for that and what it is going to mean.
- Be ready to give grace, to be patient, to be gentle, to be understanding and flexible with ANY man you choose to marry.
Please seek godly counsel! Do not rush into marriage. Be sure that you are both going into any commitment to marriage with your eyes wide open about just how much damage each of you carries from the past and working together with an experienced, godly counselor to find healing and to tear down the lies and destructive ideas and to build firmly on the foundation of Christ and God’s Word alone. That is important for EVERY Christian couple who is considering marriage!
- BE SURE that you can respect your man exactly as he is.
- DO NOT go into marriage planning to “change him” or expecting marriage to change him.
I desire each of you to be prepared to be godly wives and for each of you to find a godly husband – if it is God’s will – that you may bring great glory and honor to Christ!
A Wife’s New Understanding of the Red Flags She Missed before Marriage – by the Satisfied Wife
Learn from My Mistakes about Ignoring Red Flags – a guest post by the Satisfied Wife