- Genuinely respect and admire your guy. Praise him for everything you see that is good about him. Guys THRIVE on respect, praise, admiration and feeling like a winner and like a success with a girl. When you are meeting his deepest masculine needs, he won’t want to let you get away!
- Keep criticisms to a minimum. Having a scolding, negative, critical, angry “mother” figure around does NOT attract guys – it makes them want to bolt. Read I Corinthians 13:4-8 and Galatians 5:22-23, those are the qualities God wants to instill in your character.
- Empathize with his perspective. Realize he will be more concerned about finances and income than you probably will. God made him that way and he is wired to think about how he can provide for you – and that is IMPORTANT! If one or both of you are still in college, he may have some very legitimate financial concerns and he may feel compelled to wait until he has graduated or you both have graduated before he feels he can responsibly propose marriage to you. Or if he has some extenuating circumstance in his life, a very sick close relative, a military assignment oversees coming up, a job opportunity out of town – he may feel more reluctant or unable to commit himself to marrying you. He wants to offer you a good life, and he may be afraid that he can’t offer you the life you deserve. So before you decide he just doesn’t love you or you’ll only give him 3 more months and then you’ll leave, look carefully at both of your circumstances. There may be some practical things preventing him from proposing right now.
- Be easy to please and delight – not critical and complaining. Whenever he does something for you, buys you anything, or makes any effort to please you – reward him with your dazzling smile and your delight. That will make him want to please you even more! And it makes him LOVE being around you! Your happiness and joy are intoxicating to him!
- Wait patiently. Be self-controlled, poised and calm. For the most part, don’t bring up marriage or engagement or rings. If HE brings it up and is excited about the subject – then discuss it with him! But if YOU bring it up, he may feel pushed, smothered and controlled. If you are in a committed relationship and are old enough to get married, he will be thinking about this subject already. Rushing him will make him resist you. Give him time to think and work through his emotions (Guys take a lot longer to do this than girls do, generally), and let him have the gift of being able to set the pace (unless you want to go slower than he does – then that is your perogative). THIS IS GOOD PRACTICE FOR MARRIAGE when you will submit to his godly leadership and you will do A TON of waiting on your husband’s timetable and God’s timetable!
- Have a peaceful, gentle, quiet spirit (not quiet personality, but a calm spirit) that does not give way to fear. You do this by trusting in God with all your heart and leaning on His love and sovereignty over your life. This is one of the most beautiful feminine qualities there is to God and to our men. If you can’t wait, and you have to jump in and take over – your relationship will be a very rocky one once you are married. An anxious, worried, freaked-out girl is NOT attractive!
- Evaluate your boyfriend’s spiritual character. Make sure he loves God more than anything in his life and that he desires to obey God in everything. The time to really scrutinize your man’s character is BEFORE you commit to him! Marriage WILL magnify his sinfulness and weaknesses – and yours! Be sure you are looking at him clearly and that you understand his strengths and can accept his weaknesses.
- Make sure YOU are becoming the woman of God’s dreams and focusing on allowing God to transform your heart, mind and soul to be more and more like Christ.
- Do NOT give yourself to him sexually until marriage. Many women make this mistake and don’t realize that for a guy, living with him or being sexual with him can make it seem like he doesn’t need to rush to get married. This is not a sound way to begin a godly marriage, either. I know it is unpopular, but saving your virginity for your wedding night will bring you so much joy and spare you an incredible amount of suffering and heartache!
- Be sure you actually, really, genuinely do respect him right now even if he never changed at all! Go into marraiage with your eyes wide open to reality. If you have spent at least 6 months together, and seen him when he’s sick and when he doesn’t get his way and how he handles anger – he has shown you his true character. Your job is to BELIEVE him. Do not think you are going to change him with your love! Accept him just the way he is or you are in for a very difficult marriage.
- Pray and seek God’s will and His best for you and trust His timing! God’s wisdom is higher than our own. His ways are higher than our ways. Forcing things to go the way you want shows a serious lack of faith in God and in your man. Rest in your guy’s love. Rest in God’s love. Be still and savor the gifts you have right now.
WHAT IF HE TRULY IS WAITING TOO LONG AND “WASTING MY TIME”?
If you are both old enough to be married and have been dating well over a year or two and he is not talking about marriage, check a few things. If you are living together or giving yourself sexually to him, he may not feel the need to marry you because you are already his in the ways that matter most to him. I pray that you are dating a godly guy who respects your virginity and sexual purity, but if you are giving yourself sexually to your guy – you may be causing him not to feel any need to propose. If this is the case – I would suggest that you to move out, stop giving yourself to him and honor God with your body and sexuality by saving it for marriage. Repent and ask God to forgive you and to help you be sexually pure. Find a godly older woman or couple (for both of you) to mentor you and help you through this process. You may need to break contact with your man for awhile to get your bearings straight with God. Then if he is still interested in you, you will both need accountability partners and committment to sexual purity as you decide about your future together. Make your relationship with God your first priority!
If he no longer has access to your body, he may be a lot more willing to commit. If you already had a sexual relationship – be sure you very seriously pray about if this man is truly God’s will for you. You need a godly, Spirit-filled husband!! And you need to be a godly, Spirit-filled wife! Of course God can forgive sexual sin – thank goodness! There is hope, healing and restoration available. But your relationship got started on very shaky ground. You’ll need true repentance and godly counsel to rebuild it on the foundation of Christ and obedience to God’s Word.
So many girls make the mistake of giving themselves sexually to their boyfriends, thinking that will bond the guy to her. Sex bonds us best to our men in marriage. God commands us to save sex for marriage because sex is such a powerful force and it will destroy our relationships, our bodies and our souls outside of the safe walls of marriage.
WORDS ARE FOR WOMEN (Bob Grant)
You don’t have to make demands or have an intimidating, threatening, emotionally charged talk. Guys don’t respond to words like girls do!!!!!! Bob Grant says, “Men respond to distance and pain, not words.” If you distance yourself, that can actually attract your man to you. This works even after marriage! I have seen it in my own marriage! If he feels the pain of not having your wonderful presence around, that will attract him back to you. And when he does see you – be pleasant and friendly, but detached. If you are hateful and mean, he’ll be glad you aren’t around!
NO EASY ANSWERS
I don’t think there are any pat formulas about what exactly to do. Each situation is unique. I pray that God will give you wisdom with your man and that you can exhibit spiritual maturity during this time of waiting. Be sure you are drawing nearer and nearer to Christ and that He is your constant priority over your boyfriend. And be sure to date/court only very godly young men who love Jesus MUCH more than they love you! I pray that God will lead you to just the right guy and I trust that He will lead you to marriage in His perfect timing, too!