We girls make this SO much more complicated than it really is. I think that is because we don’t understand our femininity or the power that we have as women in our romantic relationships. Dr. Laura Schlessinger reports that “Men are really very simple creatures.” When we give them attention, affection and acceptance they are generally VERY motivated to make us happy.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING HE WANTS MORE THAN ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE!
Most of us have no idea what guys value most — feeling powerful (Bob Grant). When a man is with a girl who makes him feel like a winner, like he is amazing, intelligent, capable, competent, desirable and accepted – it is one of the most intoxicating feelings he has ever experienced. This gives him a rush of endorphins (“feel good” hormones in his brain) – like a high from a drug – but MUCH BETTER! And he will do practically ANYTHING to keep that wonderful feeling going. His girl’s admiration, confidence, trust and faith inspire him to become his very best self. He wants to help her maintain her faith in him, to prove her RIGHT about what a great guy she thinks he is.
Most men judge the success of their relationship by the happiness of their girlfriend/fiancé/wife. So guys are extremely internally motivated to see us be happy. When my man sees me light up with delight because of something he did for me – he feels successful, powerful, masculine, and like he is my hero.
WHAT DOESN’T WORK
Unfortunately, most of us have learned to try to get what we want by whining, nagging, complaining, criticizing, trying to control, manipulating, guilt-tripping, arguing or steam rolling other people. These are successful tactics for small children with wimpy parents. They are NOT successful tactics for godly ladies to use with men. Not only do these negative methods NOT work to get us what we want – they turn us into women without dignity, loaded down with guilt, shame and regret. And these negative vibes, attitudes, complaints and words REPEL MEN and are sinful.
SOME THINGS ARE PROBABLY BEST NOT TO ASK IN MY VIEW
- When are you going to propose to me?
- Are we boyfriend/girlfriend?
- Do you love me?
- I want a ring! Have you bought me a ring yet? It better be big!
- Tell me you love me! I need to hear you love me RIGHT NOW! Are you SURE you love me?
- Where were you every second of the day today? You didn’t answer my 86 texts and 47 phone calls!
- Why don’t you spend time with me anymore? You care more about your job than you care about me, don’t you!?
- You don’t love me anymore, do you?
These kinds of things make you sound like you are desperate, needy, insecure, demanding or pushy – guys HATE that! These qualities send off alarms in a guy’s head that THIS GIRL IS DANGEROUS AND UNSTABLE – DO NOT COMMIT TO HER! And your guy wants to run far, far away!
He will tell you he loves you when he’s ready. REALLY. He’ll be ready MUCH sooner if you don’t push him! He’ll ask you to marry him when he’s ready. He’ll doubt his love for you if you act needy, insecure or like you are stalking him. His love for you is pretty constant – unless he is avoiding you for days or weeks, or quits calling you, or drops off the face of the earth – if he is there and happy to be with you – he probably loves you. HIS ACTIONS ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS WORDS! Go by what he DOES more than by what he SAYS if you aren’t sure what he really thinks or if his words and actions don’t seem to match. Actions weigh much more than words in a man’s world.
A few of my personal suggestions about asking your guy for things (if it is a big request, TRY to ask in person!):
- Make sure your request is reasonable, that you are not asking something that is impossible for him to do.
- Be considerate and thoughtful of your guy – don’t ask him to do something you know he hates or that will make him feel humiliated.
- BE SURE HE IS IN A DECENT MOOD – not tired, hungry, really stressed, watching his favorite sports game or sick! Timing is IMPORTANT!
- SMILE AND LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
- BE BRIEF. (1-3 sentences or so is my suggestion)
- ASK ONCE.
- USE A PLEASANT, FRIENDLY, HAPPY, SWEET TONE OF VOICE.
- If possible and appropriate (depending on the stage of your relationship), TOUCH HIS HAND, ARM, KNEE OR SHOULDER LIGHTLY OR GIVE HIM A HUG AS YOU ASK.
- SMILE AND HOLD HIS GAZE FOR A FEW SECONDS AFTER YOU ASK.
- DON’T EXPECT AN ANSWER RIGHT AWAY.
- SOMETIMES IT IS EVEN GOOD TO COME IN AND ASK VERY CASUALLY AND THEN GO ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN ANOTHER ROOM AND LEAVE HIM WITH THE THOUGHT OF YOUR BRILLIANT SMILE AND YOUR SWEET REQUEST – with NO pressure.
- BE CONTENT WITH THE OUTCOME NO MATTER WHAT HE DECIDES OR WHEN. Don’t tie your love for him to his answer!
If he was looking at you, he heard you. He will think about your request and it might take him some time to decide what to do. If you just sweep into the room, sweetly ask for something in a nonchalant manner, then go do something else pleasantly – it can help him feel less pressure to make a quick decision.
If you sit there staring at him, waiting for his answer, tapping your fingers with impatience, THAT will get on his nerves and make him feel pressured. Then you are unlikely to receive what you desire. He needs time to process things, especially if it is emotional, it might take days or weeks. That’s ok! He will be thinking about your desire. This is good practice for learning to wait patiently on God and on your man. You’ll need this skill OFTEN in marriage! And just like God says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 – if you are delighting in your relationship, admiring and trusting your guy – he will want to give you the desires of your heart as well – unless he truly believes what you are asking for is not what is best for you or he is not able to give that thing to you at this time.
For girls, it doesn’t make sense to us to only ask once. We think that if he doesn’t mention something for a week or more, he has clearly completely forgotten and doesn’t love us or care about us. NOT TRUE, my dear girl! Guys are VERY different from girls! He IS thinking about what you want. He WANTS to give you what you want if you are treating him well. If you repeat your request multiple times or start to pressure him, he will begin to feel nagged, smothered and forced and he will start to resist you just because of your methods and your lack of understanding about how his mind works.
You can ask for things via email, the phone or texting. But it is more effective when he can actually see your beautiful smiling face or at least hear the gorgeous smile in your voice. The more senses you can involve, the better! But the same principles still apply with requests over the phone/email/texts. Keep it brief. Guys like the bottom line – NOT long explanations. Use a smiley face or your happy sounding voice. Don’t pressure him. If he does say “No” right away – be gracious about it. If you handle your disappointment with maturity, he might even change his mind later – you don’t even have to ask again! Depending on what you are asking, if he doesn’t answer right away – be prepared to change the subject and give him time to think about how to best be your hero in this situation.
SOME GREAT WAYS TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED
I’m going to write out some random examples as templates for you to use (I am writing to girls who are in a committed relationship in this post – although many of these principles apply to guys you are getting to know or interested in dating). Some keys are to use simple, positive, brief phrases about how you feel and what you want. You can modify things or change up the words, but what I hope to do is to give you some concrete examples so that you can see a godly feminine spirit at work and begin to emulate that:
- (walk into the room where he is – if he is not concentrating on something important – rub his shoulders, smile and say) “Hey, Sweetie! I just found out that my favorite singer is going to be in concert in town on June 12th! I want to go!” (smile, then go about your business of getting ready or cleaning up the dishes or whatever.)
- “I feel so sad that you might take that job out of state. I am happy for you to have this opportunity. But I REALLY want to be near you.” (And that might be all you need to say to get him thinking about what he can do to make sure you are near him – like propose? or get a different job nearby? The choices are up to him. You told him your feelings in a way that lets him know your heart but also lets him be the hero. And you are NOT making him a villain or telling him he’s wrong or he’s hurting you. Give him time to decide what he wants to do and work things out behind the scenes before he tells you one way or the other.)
- “It’s such a glorious day! I want to go for a walk with you!”
- “Hey, Baby! My car needs some repairs. Would you please pick me up on Friday and take me to work?”
- “My office is having a Christmas party next Saturday. I’d love for you to take me!”
- “This couch is too heavy for me to move. Would you please help me?”
- “I want some flowers for the front yard sometime.”
- “Would you please take the trash out for me sometime today? Thanks!”
- “I’m feeling lonely. Would you please hold me for a few minutes?” (You don’t have to walk away for that one! But if he seems disinterested or busy, you may want to quietly, respectfully slip to another room – but NOT in a pouty way!) – OR, you can just go stand by him and lay your head on his shoulder and not say anything until he asks you what’s wrong. Then you can say, “I want to be with you.” “I am lonely.” “I want to feel you close to me right now.” (Bob Grant)
- “I miss you!!! I want to spend some time with you soon!”
- “I’m feeling sad. Would you please listen to me talk for 10 minutes? I know that would help me feel so much better.”
- “I’m feeling really hormonal. Would you please hug me and help me see things from your wise perspective?”
- “I’m feeling confused about X. I want to hear your advice and wisdom about this. I admire you so much.”
- “I want to do something together one night this week.”
- “I want to take a day trip to the beach this summer!”
- “I feel scared about X.”
- “I feel angry about Y.”
- “I want to cook a delicious supper for you tonight. What time would you like to come over?”
WHEN HE DOESN’T SAY YES:
It’s really important that even if he turns down your request, you don’t punish him, sulk, pout, cry, whine, argue or try to make him do what you want. If you resort to these methods, you are practically guaranteeing he will NOT do what you want! Or if he does do it, he will begin to pull away from you emotionally. Guys REALLY, REALLY hate being told what to do or being coerced.
Try to let his “no” answer not be a big deal. If he tells you no, say something like
- “Alright.” (and maybe a little sad face… then move on to something else)
- “Ok. That makes me feel sad, but I respect your decision.”
- “Thanks for thinking about it and doing what you think is best. I trust you.”
If it is a big request, he may need days or weeks to think about it. Just let it sit. Pray about it. Ask God for His will. Trust that God is big enough to handle this without you losing dignity over this issue or without you trying to take control to force your way. This is practice for developing a beautiful feminine “gentle and peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear” that is so beautiful to God and to our guys! Trust that God is doing what is best for you, even when it is not what you want to hear at the time.
HE WILL NOTICE when you leave things up to him and trust him and he will feel compelled to try even harder to make you happy. HE LOVES TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE!
IF HE DOES SAY “YES”
- say “THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! You’re the BEST!”
- hug him!
- SMILE at him!
- Act excited and happy.
- REWARD HIM by praising him and being grateful.
Your guy loves and needs ALL of your emotions. When you tell him how you are feeling (but not complaining or arguing), he is able to make the best decisions, become your hero and learn how to best meet your needs and please you! Then you BOTH become more and more like the people God wants you to be!