I am continuing to address FAQs that I get on this blog and on my blog www.peacefulwife.com.
There are a number of reasons why we may feel lonely as we seek to become the godly women Jesus desires us to be.
- Being a godly woman goes completely against the world’s wisdom, our culture’s wisdom, our friends’ and family’s wisdom. There will not be a lot of support for women who make this journey, even among most professing Christians. Unfortunately, many people who claim Christ today do not live in obedience to His Word, do not live with Him as Lord and are not living in the power of God’s Spirit – but in the power of the sinful nature. Finding godly mentoring wives who actually do respect their husbands and honor their husbands’ leadership can be very difficult even in many churches.
If you start talking about respecting your husband-to-be, some people will get upset – particularly other women. And if you actually talk about biblical submission or honoring your husband-to-be’s God-given leadership – or even say something like, “I need to check with my husband/fiancé/boyfriend and then I’ll get back with you” – there are women, even in the church, who will insult you, get very angry, verbally attack you, ridicule you, say that you have joined a “cult” and will pile contempt on you.
We aren’t used to being persecuted as disciples of Christ in western culture today. I believe that will be changing in the coming years. Part of the reason we aren’t persecuted much is because our “Christianity” has been watered down by so many ungodly influences and worldly ideas that many of us don’t live like Jesus did and don’t obey much of what He has instructed us to do. A lot of people who claim Christ live just like the world. 🙁 We won’t be persecuted when we act just like the world.
But when you begin to submit to Christ in everything, including how you treat your husband-to-be and how you honor his authority – you will be VERY DIFFERENT. You may well be a target of verbal persecution, maybe even more than verbal persecution. That’s ok. Jesus said we will be persecuted in this world. He sure was! If we think we are living for Christ and no one ever attacks us for the way we live – something is probably very wrong.
The world does not understand God’s design for marriage – but the world is drawn to Christ when we live out God’s design for marriage! (Titus 2:5) The gospel of Jesus is glorified when we cooperate with our husband’s/fiancé’s leadership and respect him.
- If you are like me – I took several big steps back from almost everyone in my life when I began this journey. I realized that there was so much sin in my heart and it was spewing out of my mouth constantly. I didn’t want to say something sinful to anyone anymore now that I saw it all. So during my “Frustrating Quiet Phase” I became quiet not just with my husband, but with everyone.
I needed to learn God’s wisdom and discretion. I didn’t trust myself to talk because I knew something disrespectful of my husband would come out if I tried to talk at all with my family and friends. Ideally, you will have a godly mentoring wife you can meet with, pray with and learn from. If you don’t – that is why I write this blog. I didn’t have a mentor either. It was just me, Jesus, God’s Word, prayer and 30 books about godly femininity and godly marriage in 2 years.
- This journey is also lonely at first because you have to give up your desire to “feel loved” by your man, to be in a committed relationship, to get married, to have “romance” and all of the idols that are in your heart. If you are already in a relationship with a man, suddenly, you aren’t sharing every thought you have with your guy. You aren’t sure what to share and what not to share. I am assuming you are only dating a godly man who submits his life fully to Christ and to God’s Word. If your man is close to God, you may be able to share some of what you are learning – but in the early stages, it is very easy for what we are learning to come across disrespectfully – so we have to be SUPER CAREFUL!
Whatever you do, PLEASE do NOT say things like,
– “So, I am learning that I have to respect you even when I think your ideas are really stupid.”
– “I am going to try to trust you now even though you have given me so many reasons why trusting you is a ridiculous and foolish thing for me to do.”
– “The Bible says I have to respect you even though you totally don’t deserve my respect at all.”
– “I guess I have to let you be the leader now – but I know you’ll just mess everything up.”
It is better – MUCH BETTER – if we are not sure what is respectful and disrespectful at first – that we not say anything than to say something even more damaging like these statements above.
- At first, you haven’t learned yet how to find all of your contentment in Christ – so there is a time of figuring out how to do that, and before you get to that point, it can feel lonely.
- You begin to see the disrespect in other marriages and relationships and in your friends’ conversations. You start to see how almost all the other women around you bash their husbands/boyfriends/exes, put them down, criticize them constantly, disrespect them blatantly, make jokes at their expense, treat their men like they are stupid idiots – and you realize – “I can’t be as close to these friends/coworkers/church members as I have been. They are an ungodly influence on me.” Man-bashing and having a judgmental, critical spirit is very contagious. We cannot afford to closely associate with women who encourage us to disrespect our men.
In time, you have incredible fellowship with God – which more than makes up for the loneliness with others, in my view. And, in time, most likely you will also have much closer fellowship with your guy – which is way better than having a lot of women friends, anyway, in my book. And then, in more time – God may give you a ministry to other women. Pray that God may give you godly friends you can enjoy.