A guest post by Olivia. May her words be a great blessing, my dear sisters!
The Muck and Mire Which Was My Life
I am a 30 year old single woman, who has been single for almost 2 years now. May I mention that these 2 years marks the first time in my 20s that I have been single. From age of 19, I have always been in relationships. Looking back I defined and placed value on myself by my relationships. Always having boyfriends and not letting more then probably 3 months between being single and finding another boyfriend.
I was always looking for this ideal relationship dream, where the guy would love to do the things I love: he would love to travel, we would go on great adventures, him being this charming guy. Oh, and he needed to be “Christian” as I was “Christian” (I place these in quotation marks as at that time I did not lead a truly repentant obedient christian life and I believe I did not even have a personal relationship with Christ).
I mean my lifestyle was other then holy.
I slept with my boyfriends, albeit experiencing much guilt. Still I continued because I did not want to disappoint my guys and in my mind, “That’s what adults do.” My life looked polished and “holy” from the outside. But inside it was rotten and I had no relationship and walk with Christ even though in some weird way I thought I was saved just because:
- I went to church
- I was very giving/self sacrificing
- I was so pious
- I was kind to others
- In my own eyes, I was a “good person.” Maybe even better then others.
I was so self righteous. Really I was a mess without even knowing it. I was lost and in this state I set out to find the guy I would marry. I was now ready to find that person that would become my husband and start my family. The nerve I had, making my plans, little did I know I could make my plans, however the Lord directed my steps.
I was in for a surprise and a very humbling experience.
I Made My Plans, but the Lord Had Other Plans
I met a wonderful guy. He satisfied all the points on my list.
- He loved travelling, and he wanted to take me everywhere.
- We had our adventures.
- He wanted to marry me after 9 months together.
Everything was a fairytale, if I only ignored the times he had very abusive anger outbursts, or terrified me with his obsessive jealousy (almost once driving us into oncoming traffic cause of jealous rage). He proposed, I said, “Yes,” and so we moved in together.
The terror started, he was so abusive towards me.
There was not a day in the last 3 months we were together that I did not cry my eyes out. One night he forced himself on me. Nothing was good enough for him and I tried my utmost best to please him. In about 3 months, I was a shell of a person. I was terrified of his outbursts. I would hide my laptop if I heard his footsteps coming upstairs, cause if he caught me watching a movie or doing anything “pleasing” he would have a fit of rage. I was terrified and even tried to please him more.
I did not want the humiliation of having my wedding cancelled. I tried to hold onto him, seeing he was so displeased with me, made me more desperate. He told me he was going, I broke down, and tried to have him stay. I was really sick of mind and desperate. Thank God this man’s heart turned cold towards me and he kept with his word and left.
The LORD Allowed Pain in Order to Draw Me and, in Time, to Save Me
I was broken. How could he just leave? How would I tell my family that not only the wedding was cancelled but that the groom up and left? I grieved so much. I felt as I have always felt – rejected, not good enough, and now this humiliation was too much to bear. Through this relationship I had alienated most of my friends and family and I was alone. I contemplated suicide cause I just could not face the world with this embarrassing thing that happened to me. I was at my end.
Just to keep afloat and not listen to the damning thoughts of suicide, I made a last ditch effort to keep my mind from racing by listening to self love affirming meditation videos on Youtube. I listened to these 24 hours a day at work, at home, during sleep. This was just to silence the pain of rejection. I was so far away from the Lord, I did not even think to call out to Him for help, for comfort or peace. My heart was so hardened against God. It was my sin, it was my rebellion that drove me so far from the Lord.
However the Lord is so wonderful and gracious to me. He arranged that a friend invite me to a women’s weekend somewhere in the woods. This friend fasted with other friends for me (I did not know at that time). I just went with the intention to get away, but our Lord had other plans. He called me to Himself. He saved me that weekend. Through His grace, I surrendered my life unto the Lord. I said,
“Lord, even though I don’t know what surrendering entails completely, please help me, I want to walk with You. I never want to be without You ever again. I never want my heart to be so hardened again.”
Healing and Walking with Christ
So began my true walk with the Lord. He brought to light all that was broken inside me and He administered healing. One thing that I discovered is that I suffered from rejection since my dad “ran” away and my mother left me at my grandma. Since that time I always viewed myself as “not good enough.” I grew up without a father figure, and this contributed to me being this woman who always tried to please men, have them accept me, and not disappoint them. I linked my value to whether men accepted me. I was valuable when men accepted, liked me or gave attention to me. The Lord has taught me so much these two years and also healed and busy healing so many hurts inside me.
Dear women, our value is in Christ.
The most important relationship we can have is with Christ Jesus. He alone can bring true joy and peace. Many young women make relationships, boyfriends and marriage idols. I sure had a huge idol “seeking approval of men” that the Lord pointed out. We are only made right in ourselves when we are right with God. He alone should be our centre of being. Yes I want to be a wife, and a mother, and a friend. But what is that worth when we don’t know the One who gives all things?
Our purpose in life is to give glory to God first and foremost and everything else flows out of that.
Many days are still a struggle. However everyday I need to place that days needs before the Lord and trust that He works out all things for His good and for His glory. I live alone, meaning most nights I eat alone, fix my car when it breaks down alone, solve all my household problems alone. Sometimes it gets tough and draining, but the Lord has granted and does grant us the strength to overcome and handle these situations. He also sends us helpers along the way. He truly is faithful. I know the Lord is teaching me total dependence upon Him. What a beautiful gift.
In two weeks, Olivia is going to share her wisdom with us about how to be a godly Christian single woman in today’s world. I’m so thankful for her transparency and willingness to share with us today.