...the process of learning to trust and love God, understanding who God is and becoming a godly woman and preparing to be a godly wife will be much more difficult for you.
There are VERY deep scars and wounds in your heart, my precious girl!
If you had a loving father around – you would have been able to understand about God’s love for you, His acceptance of you, who God is, godly masculinity, godly femininity and godly marriage so much more clearly. You would have seen that balance of incredible masculine power and love all wrapped into one person and you would have had 20+ years of relating to him on a daily basis and having your mind programed beautifully according to God’s design. That is where we get our basic understanding of who God is – from our fathers.
When a father dies, leaves or is ungodly – it messes up a child’s ability to understand who God is and it greatly impacts a daughter’s ability to have successful romantic relationships/marriage, too.
So – you will probably have to throw out everything you think you know about God and about yourself and dig all the way down to Christ and begin to build your identity and God’s identity from scratch based on God’s Word.
I would love for you to read Rick Johnson’s book “How to Talk so Your Husband will Listen, and Listen so Your Husband Will Talk.” He has a fantastic chapter on what authentic godly masculinity is. Johnson describes to women what men should be like and how to choose a good man. He describes how to have a healthy relationship with and understand men. I HIGHLY recommend this book for all my Christian single sisters.
I would also suggest “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn to help you understand men better.
Nina Roesner “Author of The Respect Dare” recommends “The Emotionally Destructive Relationship” by Leslie Vernick (I have not read it myself.)
And I would love for you to listen to David Platt’s sermon “Who is God,” “Biblical Manhood and Womanhood” and as many other of his sermons, Tim Keller’s sermons and John Piper’s sermons as you can. You can get podcasts and listen while you work, maybe? The sermons about biblical manhood and womanhood are ones you will want to listen to over and over – maybe every month for many months to try to reprogram your mind and soul about what God’s design is for you as a woman, for men, for family and for marriage.
Please – seek help, healing and God’s truth and love! Don’t stay in this place of pain and devastation. There is healing available for you my precious sister!