I would like to invite the gentlemen to comment respectfully on this post, if you would like to share your perspective on this particular issue. I think it is important for our sisters in Christ to realize exactly what they are communicating to men when they do and say certain things.
From a reader:
On Saturday night, I met a guy. We hung out last night and he told me that although I was a virgin, I come off as available, (i.e.: desperate and needy) because when we met I kept insisting that he call me. He said I acted like there were no other guys out there but him. He said I acted like I had a two week program to score a boyfriend. (Which I do. So when he said it, I laughed so hard!) I asked him multiple times, “Are you gonna actually call me, or are you like other guys who wait three days before calling me?” He told me I seem very available and that I am really focused on marriage.
Well… let’s talk about this together! I have a feeling that this sister of ours isn’t the only one having these same issues. This post is for the ladies who want to rush guys into a relationship, who are determined to find “Mr. Right” and get married as soon as possible.
First of all, I am not sure that it is wise to divulge one’s virginity status a few days into knowing a man. There are ungodly men who will take that piece of information as a challenge and who know all kinds of words to say and endearing things to do to seduce a virgin just to put another notch on their belt. If you have only known a guy for 2-3 days, you probably don’t know him well enough to know his true character and intentions. I personally want to see my sisters (and brothers) protecting your virginity and chastity and saving your bodies and sexuality for marriage so that you can experience the most joy and least amount of heartache and pain AND most of all so that you can most glorify God in your life!
(If you have already had sex outside of marriage, please repent. Ask God to forgive you. Agree with Him that sex outside of marriage is sin and dishonors Him and is destructive. Ask God to give you His power to pursue purity and holiness. Seek Christ far above everything else. Ask Him to change your heart and mind and to make you more and more like Jesus. Commit to sexual purity from this point on. Admit you are vulnerable to temptation and ask God to help you guard your heart and walk in obedience to Him. God offers us all grace through Jesus. He paid for our sins on the cross, absorbing all of God’s wrath against sin. We can receive His gift of forgiveness and then live our lives in His debt, making Him our LORD. He can make us right with God and He can give us a new heart and a new mind and a new life!!! We may have earthly consequences of sin, still. But no matter what we have done, Jesus is able to make us right with God if we are willing to turn from our sin and turn to Jesus and live for Him. What GOOD NEWS!!!!)
When a girl pressures a guy and keeps demanding that he call her – and soon – that can be a huge red flag to a man. This man actually gave our sister here quite a treasure trove of information. He told her what she was doing that is repelling men. He explained it very clearly. He told her how she is coming across and what messages she is sending. Now, if our sister is wise, she will learn from his wisdom and stop sending these messages to guys. She will put her eyes on Jesus and her trust fully in Him. She will find contentment in Him even if her circumstances don’t change. She will not set time frames and limits on finding a relationship. She will seek to prepare to be a godly wife but she will lay her dream of marriage before Jesus and wait on Him and His timing as she seeks to know Him more and to love Him with all her heart.
My personal suggestions are to:
- Be friendly
- Use discretion. Don’t go after any guy who is interested. Be sure that it is a guy who is very committed to Christ (or that there is a good possibility that he is) before you begin to think any thoughts of him being boyfriend material!
- Hold off on talking about sex until much later – like, maybe until you are in a committed relationship, at least!
- Keep the virginity thing a secret for awhile. I am not saying to lie and say you have had sex with 14 guys. But, it is not a casual acquaintance’s business to know whether you are a virgin or not!!! Not appropriate conversation. If sex is what a man wants to talk to you about in the first few days when you just met him, it is not a good indicator, most likely, of godly character. If a guy claims to be a Christian and starts talking about all the girls he has slept with in the past year or two like he is proud of himself, scripture tells us to not associate with such a man. This is not a man who is truly committed to Christ. A man who is comfortable with living in unrepentant sin like this either does not know Christ or is very far from God and is under discipline by God. Now, if a guy talks about that he used to sleep around, but God convicted him and he is committed to sexual purity now, you may be able to hang around to see if his life bears the fruit of repentance. But don’t be alone with him. Don’t give your heart to him for awhile. Wait and be sure you see that his actions match his words. Words can be cheap to some men. What matters most is not what he says but what he does. If his sin truly grieves his heart and he longs to obey God now, he will be willing to wait until marriage to have sex and he will seek to treat you with honor, respect and dignity. If he starts talking about that you must be sexually frustrated and how you should really have sex with him, cut communication with him. He is looking to sexually conquer you. He is not seeking to live for Christ. It is easy for someone to say he is a Christian. But you need to see real fruit in His life. Galatians 5:18-21 should NOT be the main substance of his life, or your life. Both of you should have a lot of Galatians 5:22-23 fruit in your life on a daily basis if you are following Jesus.
- If you ask him to call you – please only do so one time! And really, hopefully, he will ask you for your number if he is interested. And he will call you when he is ready, generally. Of course, there can be some exceptions, if a guy has been your friend for a long time and doesn’t know you are interested in him now, you may need to be more direct about your feelings. Or if a guy is very shy or hasn’t ever dated before and is nervous, there may be times to be the one who calls first. Maybe once or twice. But then, things generally work best when you let him decide how much to talk and how much to get together.
- The more you pressure him and talk talk talk to him about wanting him to call you – the more you seem to be “needy and desperate.”
- Guys don’t want desperate girls. Even ungodly guys don’t want desperate girls. The only men who want desperate girls are probably very desperate themselves, and that is not a good thing. Even worldly men want confident girls who know they are valuable and who know there are lots of men out there and who are relaxed and willing to savor the journey and the moment and not rush things. Godly men are looking for girls who have great faith in Christ who are not trying to force things to work out for themselves and are not trying to take over and lead a guy against his will into a committed relationship and marriage. If you are trusting fully in Christ and submitting completely to Him – you have confidence and peace in Him. You don’t have to be desperate or needy because you are trusting God to work all things for your ultimate good and His glory in your life! (Romans 8:28-29)
have a “two week plan to score a boyfriend.” If you are in a hurry to make a man fall for you, you are going to push him away. Take your time. Don’t have a detailed plan. Don’t put time constraints on yourself. Hold this dream loosely and allow God to work out the timing and details. Be sensitive to His Spirit each day and in each situation.
- Don’t talk poorly about “other guys.” If you tell a man you just met how horribly other men have treated you, they are probably going to assume you deserve and expect to be treated that way. Not good! He will also be concerned that you will speak poorly of him later, as well.
- Please realize that guys are on a different time frame from girls. It is much longer. That is just how it is, most of the time. You want him to call you that night. He may call you sometime later in the week. That is not wrong. It is probably normal. And it is a good test to see if you will trust God to work or if you will try to take control and make things happen faster yourself. There may be times to call a guy first, but those would probably be exceptions, not the normal thing to do.
- Please do not immediately text a guy to tell him you were glad to meet him. Let him initiate contact generally. If you are pushy and won’t give him time to pursue you, and you try to pursue him, you will probably make him want to run far away.
Let’s all just calm down. Breathe. And be willing to take things slowly, trusting God and trusting Him to work out the timing instead of trying to control and force things to go on our time table which is usually – I want this RIGHT NOW!
Use the time to evaluate a man’s character and to get to know his soul and priorities and to see what his relationship is with Christ. Don’t give your heart away until you can carefully watch a man in public in a variety of situations and hopefully even see how he acts when he is sick, tired, angry, frustrated and hurt. That is invaluable information to have before you commit to a guy! And remember, he is watching you, if he is a godly guy, to see if you are going to treat him with honor, respect, cooperation and godliness. He is going to watch you when you don’t get your way and when he makes a decision you don’t like. How do you handle things when plans don’t work out or you don’t get to see him as much as you would like? He will be watching to see if you are content in Christ or if you fall apart. If you get really upset when you don’t get your way, he will probably back off.
I would love for each of you to have godly parents or a godly mentoring older woman in your life who you could talk with about these things and find wisdom so that you don’t rush yourself right out of a great relationship. Let the guy set the pace. Let him call you, generally. It’s ok to let him know you are interested in him – in a calm way. Once. But mostly, just smile. Be friendly. Enjoy him. Let him lead. Wait for God and for the guy. Enjoy God. Stay in His Word. Stay in prayer. Live your life to glorify Jesus. Seek to bless those around you. See each day as a gift. Savor the journey and don’t try to rush to the end. The journey is where all the delicious little moments are. If you rush, you will forfeit a man’s ability to romance you and surprise you! NOT WORTH IT!