This is not going to be popular. But it may save your life and spare you from untold pain.
My goal here is to point women to Christ, to God’s Word and to the abundant life of peace and joy He has designed for you. My goal is to help you find the most amazing life possible, with as few regrets as possible. You may not like what I am going to say. That’s ok. Please pray about this stuff and read God’s Word and seek His will. This is about your intimacy with God and about the intimacy of your future marriage, it’s not about me. I want to spare you as much pain and lead you to as much joy and as many blessings as possible. Obeying God’s Word ALWAYS leads to joy and blessings. Sin always leads to pain, destruction and death on many levels.
WHAT SHOULD CHILDHOOD BE LIKE?
Ideally, girls would grow up in a healthy family with an intact, vibrant, loving, respectful and godly marriage where the parents were completely committed to Christ and to each other. Ideally, girls would have a strong, godly, loving Daddy who leads his family in the way God desires him to, who teaches them His Word and who demonstrates the love of Christ to his wife and family. And the Daddy would faithfully demonstrate a Spirit-filled life and what godly masculinity, fatherhood and being a husband is all about every day for 20+ years. Ideally, girls would have a godly, strong, loving Mama who cooperates joyfully and willingly with her husband’s leadership and who trusts God’s sovereignty to lead her and her family through her husband. And the Mama would teach the children God’s ways, His wisdom, His Word and live out a beautiful example of godly femininity, submission and respect. She would be Spirit-filled and portray God’s beautiful design for motherhood and being a wife and marriage.
This gives children the ability to understand the very great mystery between Christ and the church. Having a godly dad teaches them about what God is like and that they can trust Him and love Him. Having a godly mom teaches children how people are to respond in adoration, reverence, love and cooperation to Christ. The parents prepare children for godliness by their own faith and by their marriage and how they love, nurture and discipline their children.
Godly fathers are charged with the responsibility of protecting, leading, providing, teaching, instructing and answering to God for their leadership in marriage and in the family. A godly dad would understand that it is his responsibility and duty to protect the sexual purity, virginity, chastity and minds of his children. He would enforce rules to prevent them from falling prey to temptation with regard to sex, alcohol, pornography, drugs and any addictions or ungodly idols or sins.
Most girls do not grow up with godly parents like this today. Many girls have been abused, neglected, and shown DREADFUL examples of marriage. Most girls have only seen disrespectful and controlling women or weak doormat women. Most girls have only seen passive, weak men or cruel, tyrants.
There is a LOT of healing that needs to be done when a person has abuse, molestation, rape, and ungodly examples every day for thousands of days as they were growing up. We all revert to what we were taught and what we lived. Our parents and our culture program us to believe that the way they do things is normal.
It takes strength, courage, faith in God, determination and the power of God to reprogram our hearts and minds with His truth – to surgically remove the old, stony, selfish, sinful heart and replace our heart with a soft, yielded, obedient heart from Him.
LIVING WITH MEN
If you had a godly dad – he would NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER allow you to spend one night in a house with a man alone. (My Daddy didn’t! AND I THANK GOD FOR HIM!) It would just not happen. In fact, he may not even allow you to be alone in a room in the house alone even if he was in another room in the house. That sounds strict, right? But if your goal is to maintain your intimacy with Christ and to save your chastity, your virginity, your sexual purity and virtue for your husband – it takes going to extreme measures to protect that priceless treasure. AND IT IS SO WORTH IT! (You will thank your dad later!)
Living with men other than your dad or brother (maybe your step-dad and/or step-brothers) is DANGEROUS for several reasons:
- It gives the appearance of evil. Other people will ASSUME things are going on between you and other men. This does not honor Christ and may cause people to stumble when they observe your life and you claim that Christ is your Lord, but you are living with men in a potentially sexual relationship.
- You are not under the protection of your dad or any kind of mentor or accountability partner.
- The men you are living with may have sexual and sinful designs on you without you realizing it.
- You are a sinner, just like all of us. NO ONE is above any sin. If we are isolated enough from other believers and Christ and we are tempted enough, we will ALL cave to sin. If I think I am above a certain sin – that is PRIDE. And pride always comes before a fall.
- You can’t depend on your own self-control and willpower. It will fail you, or the men could overpower you.
- There will be temptation. It is practically inevitable.
- Unfortunately, even dads, brothers, step-dads and step-brothers and other male relatives, friends and acquaintances sometimes are not trustworthy. Sometimes they molest girls and women. And it can be impossible to predict which men might do this. I wish every girl had a godly dad and godly brothers and NEVER was unsafe in her own home. But I have heard from enough wives who were molested and sexually abused in their own homes growing up that I know what reality is today. There is an increasing risk of molestation and rape when you are not biologically related to the men you are living with.
- If there is alcohol/drug use – and your inhibitions are gone – this is a recipe for having sex with these guys, or for them taking advantage of or molesting/raping you.
AVOIDING TEMPTATION IN MARRIAGE
Proverbs 3-7 teaches men to avoid adultery, but many of the principles also apply to avoiding sex before marriage (fornication). The biggest piece of wisdom Solomon offered to his sons was to not even go down the street that led to the house of the adulteress. STAYING FAR AWAY from sexual temptation is the only wise way to handle it. You don’t go hang out on the married guy’s porch. You don’t accept his invitation to come in and have tea. You don’t take a tour of his bedroom. You don’t try out his bed. You don’t decide to cuddle on the bed together. You don’t let him touch you. You don’t flirt with him. At all. You don’t ride in a car alone with him. You don’t meet with him in private somewhere. You don’t send him private text messages or private emails. These are the standards I have with other men now. My goal is to never be alone with a man, never send private messages, never ride in a car alone with a man, never have a secret friendship, never turn to a man as a confidante or even think of men as being my “friends.”
You know why I do that? Because I have had emotional affairs in the past. I have become infatuated with other men earlier in my marriage. I know how easy it is to develop feelings for other men and I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE. I have also seen men fall for me, and I didn’t realize it, and then it was a MESS trying to deal with the fall out of that years ago. Satan wants to take me down. He wants to take all of us down, but especially those who want to follow Christ. I have also witnessed many marriages go through full blown affairs and I have seen the catastrophic damage of sin. I do NOT EVER want to go down that path. God wants me to honor Him completely in everything. It is only by God’s grace and His Spirit filling me that I can be holy and pure.
So when a man offers me a ride to a meeting we are both going to, I politely say, “No thanks.” I don’t want to even give the appearance of evil. I don’t want to get close to the edge of the cliff. Most people who commit adultery NEVER intend to. It happens slowly. It starts as friendship and flirting and maybe takes months or years to turn into something more. Then, when one or both of the “friends” are discouraged in their own marriages there is a convenient friend of the opposite sex who is so understanding and compassionate. That is where things usually go wrong. How do you prevent that? Only by staying FAR, FAR away from it. If you have time sometime, read about Billy Graham and the extreme lengths he went to in order to protect the reputation of Christ and avoid the appearance of evil. We need to do the same thing!
AVOIDING SEXUAL TEMPTATION BEFORE MARRIAGE (with guys or your boyfriend/fiance)
Many of those same guidelines are going to apply even when you are dating and or engaged. The best way to avoid having sex outside of marriage is to flee from temptation. (There SHOULD be temptation to want to have sex if you are going to be getting married – if you don’t struggle with lust, that is a HUGE RED FLAG). This is the stuff I will be teaching to my daughter (and my son, but from a guy’s perspective!).
You flee from sexual temptation:
- You don’t go places alone with a guy.
- You don’t park in an abandoned area in the car by yourselves.
- You don’t stay in a house alone together.
- You don’t live with guys.
- You dress modestly in front of men all the time. They are very visual – they have vivid imaginations already. They don’t need an invitation to lust. You can dress beautifully and femininely, but modestly and that will help attract the right kind of godly men and not attract the kind of men who only want to use your body.
- Ideally, I would recommend not living in a co-ed dorm that had guys on the same floor even. It would be better to be in separate buildings, in my view!
- You don’t spend the night together.
- You don’t go to a bedroom together.
- You don’t lie down on a couch, the floor or a bed together.
- You don’t remove any clothing.
- You don’t start with heavy petting. Your bodies and hormones are made so that once you start to awaken your sexual desire for each other, your bodies will NOT want to stop. Those hormonal drives are STRONG. It is like taking a drug! You are NOT strong enough to resist all of that.
- You don’t feed your mind with sexual thoughts/ideas in music, movies, tv programs, the internet.
- You avoid pornography like the plague and seek a man who will not use pornography and who will be accountable not to use it.
- You have strong believing friends who hold you accountable and who are godly influences on you.
- You have at least one godly older wife mentor who meets with you and holds you accountable.
- You stay in God’s Word daily and pray fervently every day and seek His face more than ANYTHING.
- You repent IMMEDIATELY when you detect an impure or sinful thought.
There may be times you have to be in a house with a guy – please be sure there are other godly people there, girls or more mature adult chaperone types. And be VERY careful not to spend much time alone with your man in a compromising situation. As soon as you realize that you are being tempted – get out of the room immediately! Maybe even out of the house.
THE WORLD IS LYING
The world tells you that you have to have sex, or at least oral sex (which is sex!) with a guy to “keep him.”
God did not design guys to work like that. Sex does bond a man to you in marriage. Yes. But before marriage, sex does not bond a man to a woman. Just look at how guys react after one night stands. Do they call the girl again? No. Are they attracted to her anymore after they have conquered her? No. They just want to get rid of her.
What bonds him to her is that she is hard to get. She is not “easy.” She is valuable and priceless. He has to work to attain her. He can’t have her easily and without effort. He knows he has to wait to have sex with her until marriage. Being with her over time and seeing that he has to earn her love and trust makes him bond to her. Having sex too quickly makes him want to leave.
THE KIND OF GUY YOU MARRY IS REALLY IMPORTANT! CHOOSE WISELY!
The guy YOU want is a guy who loves Jesus MUCH more than he loves you. He is a man of integrity, sexual purity, honesty, faithfulness, godly character and he wants to protect your sexuality and purity. Once women get married, we ALL want and need our husbands to be as Christlike as possible. Well, to have a husband who is loving, forgiving, merciful, generous, patient, peaceful, gentle, kind, faithful, full of self-control and godly –you need a guy who is full of God’s Spirit. (Galatians 5:22)
Men who don’t put Christ first are living by the sinful nature. It is SCARY and PAINFUL to respect and submit to a man who is living by the sinful nature. “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Galatians 5:19-21
Now – if you marry a worldly Christian who is living in disobedience to God’s Word or you marry an unbeliever – you may not experience EVERY single thing on that list in your marriage, but you will experience a lot of them. That is what your marriage will be like. It’s guarantee.
Marriage is created by God to represent the very great mystery about the relationship between Christ and the church. The husband represents Christ – he is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for it. The wife represents the church. She is to respect her husband and submit to his leadership (honor and cooperate with his leadership) as the church cooperates with Christ.
Trying to respect a sinful man is REALLY hard. The more sinful, the harder it is to respect him. Trying to submit to a sinful man is just plain terrifying. The more sinful, the more absolutely terrifying it is. By the power of God working in us, we are able to respect and submit, even to very sinful husbands. Of course, you are ultimately submitting to Christ and trusting Him to lead your husband. But it is infinitely easier to trust Christ and follow your husband when your husband wants to honor Christ and cares what God thinks. But why put yourself through unnecessary pain, trials and torture by marrying an ungodly guy?
YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN! Only marry a man you can respect as is and trust right now. Marriage won’t change him. You can’t change him. Only God can change a man, and your role is to accept your man.d
SATAN’S PLANS FOR YOUR SEX LIFE
Satan knows that if he can destroy your innocence, he can destroy some of God’s greatest plans for you, your future relationship with Christ, your future marriage and even your future children.
One of his primary strategies is to get you to give up your virginity and sexuality before marriage. If he can get you to do that, he can probably paralyze you in the kingdom of God and destroy many parts of your life.
Sex outside of marriage is deadly. It kills us spiritually. It kills us emotionally. And it can kill us physically with disease, or bring unwanted pregnancy and then we have even more consequences and often more sin to deal with.
God created sex to be ONLY in marriage. Sex is like fire. Fire is AWESOME in the fireplace. But it is destructive on the carpet in the living room. That is exactly how sex is. It will destroy your life when you don’t keep it in the confines of marriage.
GOD’S PLANS FOR YOUR SEX LIFE
God created sex. IT IS VERY, VERY GOOD! He intends it to be your wedding gift to you and your husband on your wedding night. He intends it to bring you more pleasure than almost anything on earth! He intends sex to be the glue that holds you and your husband together for life, that smooths out the rough edges and keeps your marriage humming beautifully. Sex creates physical, emotional and spiritual intimacy. We are uniting our bodies, hearts and souls together when we have sex. To do that with someone outside of marriage will knit you to that person, but then part of you will be torn to shreds when that person leaves. Sex communicates, “We will be together for life.”
It is a sacred act that demonstrates the church worshipping Christ. We invite Him into our souls. He never forces us. He fills us up with His power. There is fruit from our spiritual union with Christ in our lives, and then there are also baby Christians born from the power of His Spirit working in us. We long for His presence. We long for His Spirit in us. It is so beautiful!
So we save sex for marriage because that honors Christ and that is His good and beautiful design. We also don’t want to sin against our Lord in any way, because sin separates us from Christ, and we don’t want to be separated from Him and His power!
Please let me know if you have concerns, issues or questions! I am praying for God’s greatest glory and His perfect will in your life!