A guest post by a 30 something Christian single woman:
What if it makes me uncomfortable? What if it causes me pain? What if I am asked to give up my pleasant lifestyle? What if I have to bend until I feel like I am going to break? What are we willing to embrace and sacrifice for Christ?
Have you had something stirring in your heart that you cannot explain? I have for months. I could not really talk about it, even to my mentors, because I honestly did not know exactly what He was calling me to do.
I waited. I waited a lot. I prayed. I prayed a lot. This has been the first time in my life that I have been praying, hard, for something that I didn’t understand. I did not know what I was praying for. All that was on my heart to pray was for God to have His way in my life.
I have battled in prayer for months, begging God to have His way, but feeling like He has been silent. I felt like He was still speaking. He was still molding me, revealing sin, healing wounds, loving on me, and asking me to do things. But, He was silent about this. This one thing that was so frustrating for me.
I was praying and didn’t understand what to pray. I was pleading with God for an answer to an unknown question. God was staying silent. He was very much active in my heart and in my life. He was giving me specific instructions on certain things. He was rocking my world with His Word. He was meeting me in the middle of worship.
I became broken. I no longer had the ability to write, even in my journal. This is huge for me. I would have moments of intense conversation with friends, but only about very special topics. Otherwise, I was a bit withdrawn. I went on a vacation to a place I love and felt distant. I longed for home when I was away, but felt such a draw to this place. Each face I met, each light that caught my eye at night, each breathtaking view will be forever in my heart. I was in my favorite place on earth, having a wonderful time, but I wanted my connection to home. I felt torn.
I realized on the long (9.5 hour) flight home that this torn feeling had become my life. It seemed I was in a constant battle of longing for more, yet loving where I was. I have been in this in-between stage for months.
I became used to the tug-of-war on my life, not wanting to leave things, yet wanting to embrace new things. Then I realized that my spiritual life has a profound effect on my whole life. My life had become a representation of what my spiritual life was. I wasn’t battling self; I was battling God, all the while begging Him to give me the answer. He was the answer!
I asked Him to change my heart and for me to see others through His eyes. He wrecked my world for the needs and wounds of others and I battled to stay naïve to some things. I asked Him to let me love unconditionally. He asked me to love someone, fully and completely, with no reciprocation in sight. I asked Him to tear idols from my heart. He asked me to give money and time that I had designated for personal wants.
The question in my heart wasn’t unknown; I was just blind to it. The question was simply, “Do I truly want to go deeper?” The battles were all molding me. He had to break some walls, reveal some things, and restore some things before I could step into what He is calling me to do. And, He had to prepare me to give up some things.
God is calling me to a new journey in my life. I am pretty sure He is asking me to give up something that I have loved for years and something that has been a big part of my life. He is asking me to step into something that is new territory for me. He is asking me do something that terrifies me, if I actually stop and think about it. But, He has cultivated a deep love for this new journey. He has given me excitement about stepping into the role.
Has God ever called you to more in a way that didn’t make sense until it was revealed?